Characters Owned by J. K. Rowling and Warner Bros.
and are used without permission or intent to make a profit.
Rating: G for Granger's Audience, I mean, General Audience
It was a perfectly ordinary morning when a perfectly normal barn owl delivered what looked like a perfectly normal letter to Ron Weasley's wife. Ron poured his morning tea as he studied Hermione's face. He knew that smile. She'd just done something exceptionally clever and was feeling pleased with herself.
"Who's that from?" he asked casually as he buttered his toast.
"Hm? Oh, it's from Argus," Hermione replied absently. She sipped her tea and smiled as she reread the letter. "Argus?" Ron questioned. He couldn't remember any Argus, offhand.
"Argus Filch," Hermione elaborated.
Ron's eyes went wide. "Argus… Filch?"
"You remember, the caretaker at Hogwarts!" Hermione said a trifle impatiently.
"I know who you mean," Ron said, holding up his hands to stop her from saying any more. "I just can't believe that Filch wrote to you. What's he writing about?" He held out his hand for the letter.
Hermione grinned mischievously and held the letter out of reach. "Jealous?"
Ron snorted. "Of course not. I mean, if a champion seeker like Krum can't turn your head, I doubt that Filch will be able to. I'm curious, that's all. I'm surprised he even remembers you." The look on Hermione's face made him amend that hastily. "I mean, I'm surprised that he remembers any one particular student."
Hermione raised an eyebrow and gave him an ironic look. "He just wanted to thank me for the carpet sweeper. I sent him last week."
"Carpet sweeper?" Ron asked blankly.
"It's a Muggle device used to remove dust and debris from floors," Hermione explained. "Muggles used them before the invention of vacuum cleaners."
Hermione sighed. "Honestly, Ron, you and your father have dissected enough of my parents' household appliances; you should remember what a vacuum cleaner is. Anyway, carpet sweepers don't use electricity like vacuum cleaners do, so Argus can use them in the castle…"
"Why did you send Filch a carpet sweeper?" demanded Ron.
"Well, he said that students had been using Weasley Sparkle Wands in the library and that it was hard to get the glitter up. Naturally, I sent him something…"
"What! You mean to tell me that Filch decided that since Fred and George are your brothers-in-law that means he could pester you about the fallout of their…"
Hermione tutted. "Of course not, he just mentioned the Sparkle Wands in passing. I'm the one who decided that I should do something about it. It's not fair to make the poor man's work harder…"
"Mentioned in passing?" Ron's voice went up a notch. "Mentioned when?"
"In one of his letters," Hermione said, becoming more exasperated by the moment.
"This isn't the first letter he sent you?" Ron's voice went up a little more.
"Obviously not," Hermione replied. "We've written many times."
"You write to Filch!?"
Hermione's patience was fast evaporating. "I try to keep in touch with all of my friends, even the single, solitary friend that I had in Muggle school!"
"You write to FILCH!?"
"Speaking of keeping in touch," she added peevishly. "Harry wants to know who chopped your hands off. He says you haven't owled him in ages."
"You WRITE to FILCH!?"
"Well, I don't find making friends to be easy, so I've got to hang on to the ones that I have," Hermione scowled. "There, happy? I admit that there's something I'm bad at besides Divination."
"Yes, I mean, no, I mean, I think you're, well, I guess, I just never thought of Filch as being a friend!"
Hermione rolled her eyes and shoved away from the table. "Honestly, Ron! This is ridiculous. I'm going to my study to answer my mail. I suggest you start answering your mail before you start losing friends!"
"I…" Ron did actually recognize warning signs. He didn't always heed them, but this time he decided to quit arguing. He shook his head, sighed, and threw up his hands. "Fine, whatever. Do as you please." He snorted. "Next thing I know, you'll be telling me that you're corresponding with Snape."
Hermione almost answered that, but stopped herself and headed for her study. She made a mental note to warn Severus to stop putting his return address on his envelopes. There were some things Ron was simply better off not knowing.
End Notes: This story was inspired by the excellent Filch stories by Ozma. Check out her Squib chronicles at or to find out why.