---

1: I Feel Pretty

I'm baaack! Sigh. It has been a delightful respite; enjoying a new book, movie, and era of fanfic is really so refreshing for an author on hiatus. But, alas, the prodigal lass has returned in full swing and ready for more! As such, I feel it is time for something new and bold and controversial all wrapped in one.

Without further ado, I give you our main attraction, the little bombshell himself… Lucius Malfoy and the Azkaban Jets! Take it away, Luci, with, "I Feel Pretty!"

         

        
The spotlight shines on an empty stage.  One man emerges, cloaked in black with his head tipped down.  The orchestra ignites, and with it, the heartbeat of everyone listening.  A saucy little tango reverberates while the man begins to tap his foot.  He feels the tempo driving his very being, and must sing to the world how he feels. His hair, glistening in the stage light, is tamed by a velvet ribbon to match the shroud.  Four others appear from the darkness, each dressed similarly.  They're acknowledged, and Lucius Malfoy finally expresses what he's felt all these years.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.
I feel  pretty, and witty, and bright!
And I pity any blonde who isn't me tonight.

The four others clap a Latin rhythm and sashay to Lucius' irresistible beat.

I feel handsome, oh so handsome
It's worth ransom, how handsome I feel!
And so charming, that I hardly can contain my squeal.

Everyone giggles with glee.

Who's that dashing man in that mirror there?
Who can that attractive chap be?
Such a pretty cloak
Such a pretty bow
Such a pretty sneer
Such a pretty me!

The others are now dancing and swishing their skirts, er, I mean cloaks, around.

I feel thrilling, and like flexing
Feel like killing and hexing with wands!
For I see such a pretty wonderful blonde!

The remaining singers reveal themselves to be Bellatrix, Wormtail, Narcissa, and Snape.

They begin circling around Lucius and singing in perfect harmony.

Have you met arrogant Lucius?
The owner of a crazy elf?
You'll know him the minute you see him
He's the one so in love with looking at himself!

Narcissa: He loves his own hair

Wormtail: He loves his blue orbs

Bellatrix: He should have dark hair!

Snape: But he's self-absorbed!

Naricssa: It must be the dye
Bellatrix: Or Azkaban time
Snape: Or not playing spy
Wormtail: Or why he's so sly!

Keep away from him
Send for Master
This is the feared
Blonde disaster

Haughty and pure
Well-dressed in design
Skilled in Dark Arts
Yet out of his mind!

Lucius ignores their comments; he knows they envy his flaxen locks and the world must hear his song!

I feel so blonde
Oh natural blonde
That old Tom he should give me his wand
All will respond
To the control I hold in a bond.

Others: Fa la la la la la la la!

I feel risky, I feel haughty
I feel frisky and naughty, I shine!
And so brawny
That Lord Voldemort can just resign.

Narcissa: Fa la la la la la la la la la la!

See that handsome lad in that looking glass

Bellatrix: More like "that lass!"

Who can that delightful face be?

Snape: Whom does he see?

Such a pleasing wand
Such a pleasing grin
Such a pleasing hue
Such a pretty me!

Wormtail: Such a pretty he!

I feel charming, and entrapping
Like disarming and zapping with wands
For I love
Me: this natural, talented blonde!

The music ends to outrageous applause. Lucius sighs and looks off into the distance, a faint smile gracing his finely carved features. 

Bellatrix: If that's a natural blonde, then I'm a psychopathic killer!
Snape: billows!
Narcissa: stares vacantly. But you are a psychopathic killer, Bella.
Bellatrix: uhhh…
Wormtail: bows and blows kisses while catching Lucius' roses.

          

Ah yes, *clears throat*
Fin!