"NOT THE BANANAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Harry, terrified. "You can have my socks, but I need the bananas for Dobby's surprise party."
"When is the party?" asked Ginny, being deliberately obtuse because she wanted to take Harry's socks.
"Actually, I'm not sure I want everyone to know about it yet," said Harry mysteriously. "I mean, it's far too early to be sure that we'll actually have a party. I want a big swimming pool with a diving board and waterfall!"
"Me, too!" Dobby shouted, appearing instantly. He was wearing a pair of purple trousers with hearts and flowers and holding an inflatable sea horse that sang merrily when you sat on it.
"Dobby, you shouldn't have come here," said Harry, riding the sun-crazed Hippogriff.
"Oh, shut up," said Ginny, slapping Ron across the mouth with surprising energy, considering she hadn't been to exercise class in two hours.
"Ginny! What the hell are you doing with my tartan boxers and matching tube socks? I was saving them for Hermione's tenth bowling party in Gryffindor Tower. After all, we had to get new socks for us to wipe that look off Voldie's snake-like face, because it is irritating to behold and absolutely impossible to clean."
However, in the sack of bananas, Harry found a great, big watermelon covered by erotically-shaped seeds. Harry blushed at the understanding of the erotically-shaped seeds. Glancing towards Ginny, he moved towards her and said softly, "This inside-out watermelon reminds me of a horribly mangled ice cream soda. It makes me want to hurl a futon at Ferret Boy's head!"
"Oh, Harry," said Ginny, "why fight the moonlight? Outrageous! Let's harass Ferret Boy!" Ginny bit her lip to stifle the wail rising from her mouth. Finally, she shrieked, "Let's hurt Ferret Boy!"
So they all went and began taunting, torturing, and tormenting the weasel-faced git. "Ow!" said Ferret-Face, being pummeled into the ground. "That really hurts. Ghosts shouldn't be abused like this!"
"Sometimes I think you're only a nightmare, but then I remember the kiss I shared with a special ferret . . . er . . . person, and I wake up and I realize that it was my mother's birthday."
"Hee hee hee!"
"What's so funny?" asked Dead Draco.
"Just the fact that my tartan boxers itch. I need a new pair, especially since these are Harry's," said Filch, popping up, lacking the proper attire to be playing "tea party."
"Filch!" said McGonagall. "Get some clothes! Fifty points from whatever house you stole that leotard from!"
"Pretty, pretty women in leotards, dancing the night away while I eat green cheese on top of this potted plant!" Filch giggled, twirling around in a lopsided circle, almost toppling over a baby Basilisk. "POTTER! YOU AND WEASLEY! STAND ON YOUR HEADS UNTIL YOU TURN BEET RED AND THINK YOU'RE LITTLE DUCKIES!"
"Define standing on your head?" asked Harry.
"Well, why not?" replied McGonagall. "Standing on your head is the act of all true members of the Little Duckies Appreciation Society. Now, stand on each other's shoulders and whistle the theme from 'Animaniacs.'"
"There's bologna in your bag," said Ron. "We're not going to help you with your twisted desires. We will leave three muffins for Santa because he asked us to, and enjoys large milkshakes." Hermione shrieked, "Get this great book, or I will find a potion to turn you into a small, green, furry mouse!"
"In the Forbidden Forest, there is a dark secret known only by the Centaurs. Harry, you must learn to eat malted milk balls and turn into a Swedish Shortsnout; otherwise, Lord Voldemort will find a new basketball named Wilson," said Filch.
"Okay," said Harry. "The dancing banana will be knighted shortly, but first tell me more."
"Okay, there is a mysterious ghost who enjoys giving toast to unsuspecting Harry/Hermione shippers, because they need to keep their toasty buns together! For another time, I will tell you a tale about a Hufflepuff with a big nose like Dumbledore's, and a tiny bunny named Fancypants that hops about making everyone happy."
"I know Fancypants! He looks like my cousin Gary."
"Gary is Hermione's human hosepipe. He doesn't particularly like macaroni with ketchup with potato skins," said Ron.
"You should really jump on the bandwagon, Ron," said Hermione.
"Which bandwagon?" asked Dumbledore. "Would you like to explain why you ate a Canary Cream that now feels as though it burst into flame, just like Fawkes?"
Ron replied, "My Cleansweep was stolen by the next door neighbor, and the Canary Creams were eaten by Crabbe and Goyle."
Harry and Ginny looked at Ron and saw what happened when they started snogging again. Draco Malfoy said, "Potter snogging Weasley?! How perfectly horrid! I think I'll throw up now."
The others looked in their pockets for their cameras that they bought to take pictures of the historic Wal-Mart. "My foot is stuck in the biggest pile of dragon dung that it's ever seen," said Sirius.
"Your foot sees?" said Hermione.
"My foot sees everything," said Ron.
Ginny laughed at Ron's ominous comment. Sirius and Ron laughed, too, but Sirius attacked Bellatrix because Ron's foot smelled really bad, despite its omniscience. Hedwig hooted at Ron while he caught the Quaffle. "Wotcher!" said Tonks.
Dumbledore looked at his personal organizer, and he noticed that he had to teach a certain "Minister" how to say this: "I must not be so completely in denial about owning tartan boxers."
Meanwhile, Ron's foot looked up at the flying car that was swerving like a monkey's tail.
"What the story is all written on is the hide of a small bat. Hermione Granger loves to talk about Hogwarts, A History to Ron."
Then Hagrid burst though the stone wall with Fang behind him. "Firs' years! Come this way! Watch the squid! She'll pull yer into the abyss!!!" The Sorting Hat was in Hagrid's side cloak pocket.
"Why? Ask Umbridge."
No one asked. No one told, so no one knew.
"Umbridge! The Centaurs were feeling peckish and are coming to get you!" said Ron.
"Where?!" screamed Umbridge. Her pink hat went flying up to Ginny and landed at her feet. Ginny kicked it right onto Harry's head.
"How beautiful it looks on you, Harry, dear," said Figgy. "Can I wear your new hat, Harry?"
"No, because I want Hermione to try it on and then burn a CD for Colin."
Ron's bewildered expression spoke volumes about his sad, cold foot, because it felt lonely without its sockmate. "Poopsiekins, would you pass the mashed potatoes as soon as Hermione jumps up to kill Umbridge?" said Ron. "Ginny, willhermionegototheballwithmetonight?"
Ginny slapped Ron. "Ask her yourself and find out!!!!!!!!"
Harry asked Ginny if she liked swimming with dolphins while wearing a puppy costume.
"Holy yes!! I love . . . I love you, dolphins!" she exclaimed. "Lucky Charms are good!"
Harry looked puzzled, as usual.
"Umbridge is being chased. Some Skrewts joined with Hagrid, running like this!" demonstrated Peeves, dancing merrily on Umbridge's head.
Firenze said, "Mars is in the kitchen, so let's dance the hula with Buckbeak, wearing a big toupee!"
Dobby and his new hats made Remus want to hide under a cherry tree and weep. Harry then jumped out of his socks, causing Ginny to grab them and then run off with Buckbeak.
Harry shouted at Ginny, "Stop pinching my socks!!!!"
Ginny laughed and stuffed the socks in her pillow so she could wear them later, then ate ice cream.
Then Harry told Umbridge, "You COW!"
"Detention, Potter," said Umbridge.
But then, McGonagall arrived, looking furiously at Umbridge. "Detention for you!"
"You can't do the Hokey Pokey!"
"But I can!!!!" insisted Umbridge. "Watch!" She stuck her finger up her nose and shook it all about, then turned around. Or tried to . . . when all of a sudden, the Centaurs threw cough drops at her nose. She screamed and dropped her sunglasses. She sporked Wormtail in Dumbledore's hula-dancing outfit. "See! Hokey Pokey! That's what it's all about."
Everyone ran away from Umbridge's insanity. Harry asked Ginny, "What's up with that?"
Ginny answered, "Umbridge is very good at the being evil to half-breeds and quills."
"Prats don't get loonier!" Ron and Hermione shouted simultaneously. Meanwhile, Harry and Ginny stood staring at each other, then started to snog.
"Right!" shouted Kingsley. "That's the spirit!"
Tonks started to make catcalls and change her appearance to match the last Muggle she ate for dinner. The Muggle had a very large bottom, in which she'd played "tea party." And then Hermione began snogging Ron.
Kingsley again shouted, "Marvelous, just marvelous!"
"YEAH!" screamed Tonks.
As Mundungus said, "Where's the plot???" "There's no plot," said Hermione. She smiled and kissed Voldemort. Hermione then baked a cake with lots of stolen socks that smelled like feet, courtesy of Ginny.
"Hermione snogged Moldymort?" "Yes, I did," she said, between kissing Ron.
"Why?" asked Tonks.
"He wears tartan boxers."
Ron stared at Voldemort questioningly, then broke out a disco dance CD and brought down the house. Voldemort began to boogie. Harry pointed his wand at the ceiling and knocked over a liquor store, as Ginny shrieked, "PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!" Mr. Weasley wanted peanut butter jelly sandwiches, but Molly said, "You can't have chocolate for breakfast!"