I like where your story is going, but I have a question. It's been a while since I last read, so what exactly does Hermione and Ginny do for the Ministry again?
My second question is: How could Harry and Ron hear Ginny's scream from the Leaky Cauldron? I don't want to be mean in saying this, but according to the diagram the HP-Lexicon drew up the two buildings aren't exactly next to each other. In fact, Madam Malkin's shop is at least a block away from the Leaky Cauldron. Besides that, even on a slow day the Leaky Cauldron isn't exactly silent enough to hear a scream from outside the building that isn't within a fifty foot perimeter. There are stone/brick walls to contend with!
Of course, you can't alter that now, but you should look into small details like that next time. I know my beta-reader gets on my back about Canon issues such as those.
Also, I had a hard time getting through this paragraph:
Fred and George took care of Ginny and Hermione’s purchase, then grabbed everyone’s new clothes and led the group to their flat. Once inside, Hermione laid in Ron’s lap on the couch and Ginny grabbed some ice to put on Harry’s hand. Fred and George handed out Butterbeers to everyone. Just then, the Floo fire started spewing people into the main room. First came Mrs. Weasley, followed by Mr. Granger, Mrs. Granger, and then Mr. Weasley.
It would probably read better if certain words were changed and if more commas were added. I notice that you want to get straight to the immediate action, and that's fine, but perhaps some more detail is required in order to better illustrate the scene.
Grrr, I almost want to hit myself because I don't want to sound pratty!
I think it's because I like your story so much and it has a great direction that I'm looking so deeply into it. That, and my beta reader Arnel is starting to have an affect on me!! Please don't get annoyed with me. I really just want to help you. | 