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Author: Calixa Story: Another Diaper, My Dear? Rating: Teens Setting: Pre-HBP Status: Completed Reviews: 27 Words: 11,741
A/N: The homestretch. I hope you had fun - I certainly did. Special thanks to Majick, who helped me 'Hagrid-ize' some of the dialogue in this chapter. (**Whortle: a magical healing plant that relieves fever – or so I'm told.) – Oh Merlin, don't think about piss... The spell Harry had cast with Ron's wand turned out to be some bizarre reverse cheering charm, which immediately turned Hermione into a weepy, depressed maniac. She threw things and almost knocked Ron out with a platter before he managed to snatch her wand out of her pocket and restrain her. It worked for a moment– she sunk to the floor and gave a few weak sniffs. Then she got up and lunged at him. Ron panicked and nearly hexed her. Then he realised she was just doing what she always did when she got upset– using him like a handkerchief. Ron sighed deeply. To recap: Hermione was now sobbing nonstop into his shoulder, two-year-old Harry was trying to crawl out of the makeshift cot of blankets Ron had made him, and Ginny seemed to be trying to drag Harry into the space beneath his bed. Ron tried to pull himself out of Hermione's death-grip, but she held on tight. Ginny was starting to whack Harry with a Sneakoscope she had somehow laid hands on, as though attempting to knock him out in order to make her task of stuffing him into the dark space easier. Ron could not fathom why she was doing so, until it occurred to him that he had seen her do the same thing at home when they were little. As a child Ginny had a habit of hiding things she liked in strange places. "No Ginny!" he said, wrenching himself out of Hermione's arms. She started sobbing even harder, falling against the wall. Ron winced apologetically, but he had to stop Ginny, who was now wrapping the rest of the blankets tightly around Harry's head, giggling as she did so. "You're suffocating him!" From inside the mass of blankets Ron could hear Harry's muffled giggles. Quickly, he freed Harry from the woolly cocoon. Harry grinned up at him, newly sporting a missing front tooth. "I don't believe this," he said hoarsely to himself, absently wondering when that particular tooth had fallen out. Even when he'd been teething he'd had front teeth. "They're having fun." He did the one thing any sane person would have done in that situation. He Stunned Hermione and lay her down on the bed. Fervently hoping no one would accidentally stumble into the room while she was still unconscious, Ron carried Harry and Ginny out into the labyrinth that was Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in search of the Hospital Wing, one in each arm and both tucked under the Invisibility Cloak. It had gone out of his depth. He would have to seek authority. He figured he might be suspended for this, but he could not stand another minute of it. Besides, Harry and Ginny were getting younger so quickly that he feared they would pop out of existence any second now. Moreover, he was quite certain Mum would kill him if she found out he'd accidentally killed his best friend and younger sister by reverting them into embryos. He was halfway there when an arm reached out and grabbed his shoulder, pulling him back into a little nook. Ron literally jumped a foot, and was about to do a move he liked to call the 'Agonizer', which had been devised and perfected on Fred and George many summers ago, a complex series of leg movements that almost always ended up with his foe on the ground, rolling in agony and clutching his – well, bits. "Ron!" It was Neville. Again. Ron lowered his knee, breathing hard, but he kept his arms pressed against Neville's chest, pinning him to the wall, and the babies in between them. "Don't ever creep up on me like that!" he snapped. Neville let go of his shoulders, looking sheepish, but determined to find out what was going on. "What are you doing, Ron?" "Nothing," said Ron furtively. It was a bit strange that Neville hadn't noticed that he was holding two invisible bundles in his arms, but then again, it was kind of hard for Neville to actually look down at his chest while Ron's knuckles were pressed up against his throat, forcing his head back against the stone wall. "You haven't been to class all day!" said Neville, taking a deep, shuddering breath, "And neither has Harry. Hermione showed up for Transfiguration, but I haven't seen her since– I just want to know what's going on. Don't lie to me, Ron, I know you three are up to something, and Ginny's probably in on it, too, isn't she? I haven't seen her all day, either!" Ron stared at Neville as though seeing him in a whole new light. He let go of Neville, taking a step back, and gently set down the babies (who were still sleeping, miraculously) on the floor. Neville coughed and thumped himself on the chest. "Holy Mandrakes, Ron, did you have to press so hard?" Ron grabbed his arm roughly. Neville gave him a wary look. "Neville," said Ron slowly, licking his dry lips, "if I tell you something, can you promise to keep it a secret?" "Er–sure, Ron. Um, can you let go of my arm? It's starting to hurt." Ron released him. "You might want to sit down." Neville sat down, looking scared. Ron went down on all fours and felt around for the bundle. He found it, and pulled the Invisibility Cloak away, to reveal Harry and Ginny, both snoring peacefully, looking for all the world like innocent little angels. Neville's eyes bulged out of his head. He croaked, weakly, "Is that–?" "Yes," said Ron wearily. *** Ron explained everything in a rush, and didn't pause, not even to breathe. Neville listened, wide-eyed, nodding every now and then, and gasping at all the right parts. Ron felt slightly better after he'd cleared his chest, but he knew he was far from being free of trouble. The trouble was probably only starting. "So you've got to help me," he said desperately, once he'd finished. "Don't worry," said Neville bravely, steeling himself, "We'll get them to the Hospital Wing before they disappear forever..." They looked at each other. A minute's worth of silence passed. Then they both broke into a feverish run, Ron cussing, and Neville trying not to trip over his own robes. They rounded a corner, and found themselves in the hallway outside of the Transfiguration classroom, where Draco Malfoy and his two goons, Crabbe and Goyle, were skiving off class. Ron wondered how stupid you had to be before you thought standing outside a class you were skipping was a good idea. "Shit!" said Ron, under his breath. There was no time to think. He shoved the babies into Neville's arms, and dashed out into the hall, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy!" THUD. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle all keeled over, expressions of shock frozen on their faces. "Huh," said Ron to himself, looking down at the limp bodies lying by his feet, "I'm getting good at this." "What the Whortle–?" Neville appeared behind him, carrying the two sleeping babies and looking extremely confused. His eyes widened at the sight in the corridor. "Ron?" "I'm not taking any chances!" said Ron furiously, remembering his cause. He ignored the look of utter shock and awe on Neville's face. "Come on! We need to get them to the Hospital Wing before they become undifferentiated!" They continued running, pausing now and then so that Ron could stun anyone or anything that came across their path. Seamus never knew what hit him. Nor did poor little Professor Flitwick, who, in the middle of a tiring lesson with some second years learning Banishing Charms for the first time, had shot out of his classroom like a bullet, directly into Ron's path. Ron tried not to dwell on guilt. (Actually, he'd thought it was Peeves, ambushing him. It only occurred to him afterwards that he'd tried to stun a poltergeist, a feat which Ron wasn't even sure was physically possible.) But he didn't have much time to dwell upon guilt, anyway, because the next thing he knew, something hard came crashing down on the back of his head, and everything faded into darkness... ... He opened his eyes slowly, his head aching like someone had dropped a bag containing a ton of bricks on it. A hazy face shimmered in the light above him, and he could faintly make out a worried expression. "Mr. Weasley! You're awake!" It was Dumbledore's voice, and after a dizzy moment, Ron realised that he was lying on a sofa in Dumbledore's office. "Professor...? What... am I doing here? What... happened?" "We found you lying unconscious in the hall," explained Dumbledore. "Along with your friends, who seem to be rather younger than I remembered." Shit. "Next time," said Dumbledore calmly, "just owl me, Ronald. I understand that you thought you were running out of time, and I admire your will to keep your friends out of harm's way, but that's no excuse to be running about Stunning everyone you see." Shit shit shit. Ron gulped. "How did you know–?" "You left a trail of stunned victims in your wake, Mr.Weasley," said Dumbledore, chuckling. "It was only a matter of following your tracks. Excellent wand work, by the way– have you been practicing?" Ron shook his head. Then he stopped and counted the number of times he'd cast the Stunning charm in the last two days, and nodded. "I suppose I have..." "I'm glad to hear that," said Dumbledore, and his lips twitched slightly as he tried to look reprimanding. "But did you really have to stun Professor Flitwick as well?" Ron turned red, and mumbled sheepishly, "I thought he was Peeves..." "Would you care to explain to me what exactly has happened in the last twenty-four hours?" asked Dumbledore, in that amiable tone of his, which actually made Ron even more nervous and guilty. Dumbledore shifted in his seat and smiled. "I'm rather keen on hearing your version of the story, since our only other participant – I'm assuming that Miss Granger also knew about this – is currently resisting the Enervate spell Madam Pomfrey has tried to use to wake her up. As a matter of fact, all of your victims are still out cold– that wand of yours needs a good cleaning, I daresay." I am so dead. Taking a deep breath, Ron recounted exactly everything that had happened, from the detention with Snape to the confusing fight in the broom cupboard to The Accident, and all else that had come in between and after. Ron lay down miserably after he was done, waiting for Dumbledore to hex him like he deserved, or tell him he was expelled on the spot. "Thank you," said Dumbledore simply. He stood up. Ron watched in puzzlement. "Aren't you going to expel me?" Dumbledore looked at him gravely. "No, Mr. Weasley, not today. But I do hope you realise what you've done." Ron nodded, unable to meet the elderly wizard's eyes. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. Dumbledore made to leave again, beckoning for Madam Pomfrey to join him. "Wait!" said Ron, suddenly remembering something else, "I want to know who knocked me out!" "Oh, that would be Mr. Longbottom," said Dumbledore, stepping aside to reveal a guilty-looking Neville standing behind him. "You!" gasped Ron. "Neville, how could you?!" Neville gulped. "I'm sorry, Ron – but you were going crazy – and then you Stunned those second-year girls playing hopscotch in the hall, I - I had to stop you – don't hurt me!" Ron had lunged off the sofa at Neville, who was now cowering behind Dumbledore's long, decorous sleeve. "Mr. Weasley, contain yourself! This is not Mr. Longbottom's fault!" He turned to Neville, and gestured to the door, "You may go." Ron glared at Neville's back as he departed, and sat down sulkily, rubbing the back of his head, where he could feel a giant lump forming. The world spun for a moment, then straightened itself up again. Ron shook his head to rid himself of the hazy, heady feeling. "Now," said Dumbledore briskly, rubbing his hands together, "where's Harry? He was just here a second ago –" They both peered about the room, which was littered with tiny silver instruments and portraits of snoozing people Ron didn't recognize. Former Headmasters, he thought. Rather fat lot, aren't they? He stood up and searched alongside Dumbledore, who found Ginny sleeping peacefully on the bottom shelf of a bookcase, sucking on her thumb. Ron looked under the desk. Surely enough, Harry was there. He grinned at Ron with his toothless little baby smile, and held out a sticky little hand, offering him a half-bitten Sherbet Lemon. "I've found him!" he said triumphantly, reaching out and scooping Harry up in his arms. "I think he found your Sherbet Lemon stash, sir." He swore Dumbledore's hand twitched over the back of Harry's head when Ron passed him over to the elderly wizard. "I'll buy you some more next time I go to Hogsmeade," Ron promised anxiously. Dumbledore's face twitched involuntarily again. "No need, Mr. Weasley. I have another bag right over... oh. I see." "He found that, too, eh?" Ron laughed weakly. "Sneaky little guy, isn't he?" "Yes," said Dumbledore, tightening his hold on Harry, who seemed to be playing a game that consisted of him yanking on Dumbledore's long beard, giggling, ducking his head beneath the white mass– with one eye peering out playfully at Ron – and repeating the process again. Ron tried not to smile too much and resisted the urge to shout, "Peek-a-boo! I see you!" "I'm glad to have found another soul as fond of Sherbet Lemons as I am, at any rate," said Dumbledore. "Strange that at sixteen, Harry doesn't seem to like them as much." "Yeah," said Ron, "Harry hates the things normally." An awkward silence ensued. Madam Pomfrey broke it by entering the room, looking frazzled and out of breath, as though she'd come running (which, from the looks of her wild hair and disheveled robes, she probably had). Immediately a scowl came across her face as she took in the state of Ron's robes. He thought she looked like she would faint when her gaze fell upon the two babies in Dumbledore's arms, one sleeping and the other tugging on the venerable Headmaster's beard. "Terrible, terrible," she muttered as she conjured up a set of scales with a flick of her wand, and set to weighing the babies as Ron and Dumbledore watched on. Ron wanted to know why they needed to weigh Harry and Ginny when they were just going to turn them back to normal anyway. "This is terrible! But, oh, the little darling, she's of normal weight – can you imagine, Headmaster, after all that, and she's –" Ron looked suspiciously at Madam Pomfrey. "What are you saying? My babies are fat?" She stared at him incredulously, as though he'd sprouted three new heads. "No, Mr. Weasley," she said coldly, "I didn't say that." Dumbledore cut in wisely, "I believe, Poppy, that Mr. Weasley is referring to the commonly held belief that saying a girl is of normal weight is tantamount to saying she is, indeed, actually overweight, merely in a more polite manner." Ron and Madam Pomfrey stared at him. Madam Pomfrey shook herself first. "She's perfectly fine, she's normal, she's healthy, and she needs to be this weight – Mr. Weasley, stop being ridiculous. The boy is a little on the skinny side, but he's always been like that. Besides, they're not your babies. They are your friend and sister." "That's as good as being my babies!" Ron shot back. "And Harry is not too skinny! He's the perfect weight for a Seeker!" Madam Pomfrey turned to Professor Dumbledore, shaking her head. "Nutters! The boy is stark raving mad!" "Now, now, Poppy," murmured Dumbledore, "Be gentle with the boy. Being a father is difficult, you know." Before Ron could retort scathingly, Hagrid burst onto the scene in a wild frenzy, looking like a mad giant on a rampage. He stomped right up to Ron and glared down at him impressively. Ron tried not to cower. It was hard but he thought he managed rather well. "What's the matter with you?" Hagrid shouted, waving his thick arms about, "'Arry coulda died!" "Excuse me?" snapped Ron, annoyed, "He would not have died! I can take care of two babies, easy!" "Yer got no righ'," roared Hagrid, spraying spit everywhere. "'Arry's like my son! Why didn'cha bring 'im to me?" "You would've sat on him!" spat Ron viciously. "I carried 'im outta the rubbish when his parents died!" said Hagrid, tearing up. "Oh yeah?" countered Ron, smacking the table furiously with his fist, "Well, he pissed in my face!" Everyone in the room turned and stared at him. "When I changed his nappy," Ron explained hastily. "Babies have really good aim." There came a sympathetic chorus of 'Ahhhh's (and a few 'Urghs', incidentally, but that's beside the point). Even Hagrid, who had been angry just moments ago, nodded in complete understanding. "Yeh, it's a hassle, ain't it? I remember when I firs' got Fang. Daf' dog'd go anywhere an' everywhere 'til I got 'im into nappies. Grand mess, that was. An' everybody knows that dog piss's three times as strong as humans. Ten times smellier, too!" Ron felt revolted and close to vomiting. "Thank you, Hagrid, for that positively enlightening tidbit of information," said Dumbledore, clearing his throat loudly. "Now, didn't you say you had a giant lizard to crossbreed?" Hagrid shuffled off, grumbling. Ron tried not to look too smug. "Right," said Dumbledore, pulling out his wand, a sight that Ron had never been so glad to see before. "Time to get down to business." *** A normal-sized Harry came to see Ron the next morning, sporting a slightly bruised cheek, but no other visible injuries. Harry had just been dispatched from the Hospital Wing, as was Ginny, but he informed Ron with a hint of wonder that there was still a rather large number of people currently residing in there. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you, Harry," interrupted Ron, changing the subject "I swear, I'll never hex you again as long as I live, you can snog Ginny as much as you want, I won't stop you –" Harry grinned. "Feeling guilty?" Ron laughed nervously. You have no idea. "Yeah – I mean, I'm just glad you're OK." "I'm fine," said Harry, still grinning. "It's not your fault, anyway – it was your wand." "Yeah," said Ron weakly. "I broke my glasses though, I suppose they cracked when I hit the ground – Ron, you're getting really good at Stunning people, you know?" "Er – yeah..." "I just don't know why my robes are all wrinkled," said Harry, and a faintly puzzled look crossed over his face. Ron coughed loudly. "Well, anyway, I'm going to go see if Ginny's awake yet," said Harry, patting Ron on the shoulder. "See you later." Harry bounded out of the room. Ron closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the empty patch on the back of Harry's head where no hair was present. I hope he doesn't find a mirror somewhere. "By the way, Ron –" said Harry, coming back into the room abruptly. Ron jerked awake. "Have you any idea why I woke up without any trousers on? I can't find the ones I wore the other night either," he added in a worried whisper. He stared at Harry for a moment. Harry stared back at him. Ron shook his head. "No idea."
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