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Author: Lady Chi Story: With All My Love Rating: Teens Setting: Pre-HBP Status: Completed Reviews: 4 Words: 60,540
It was a good thing, Lily decided, that the common room was often abandoned at this late hour. Shed managed to get through the rest of that day with her sanity intact, but only by sheer determination. Later, she kept promising herself, she would find the time to be alone to sort it all out or to break down whichever the situation demanded. As the shadows of midnight crept across the room and danced with the crackling fire, Lily sat on the window seat and looked out onto the dark Hogwarts grounds. During the day, it was a sight she enjoyed, a calming reminder that no matter what happened in the Muggle world, she always had a home at Hogwarts. When there was enough light, she could see the Quidditch pitch looming in the distance. James would be flying in some preset pattern, yelling instructions to his teammates concerning a difficult play. If she listened really closely, she could hear James and then, after a little while, Sirius mouthing off to him. There was no mean-spiritedness there, just a comfortable amount of pleasure taken from making his best friends life difficult. Remus would be there too, sitting in the bleachers with a book in his hand. Constant absences made it difficult for James to justify actually having him on the team, but Remus would make a point to be there for at least some of the practices, just to enjoy the sunshine and watch the action. She could almost hear the noise of practice now. Grunts and shouts and loud cracks as Beaters hit Bludgers across the pitch with fantastic precision. Lily had always had a secret yearning to play Quidditch, but she felt in her heart of hearts that she would never be good enough. Not good enough. Thats what she felt right now. She didnt deserve to have all this unwanted attention thrown her way. She hadnt asked for either one of them, James or Remus, to look at her as anything other than a friend. Yet, here she was, forced to face the fact that both of them did look at her that way. The question was, apparently, how did she feel about them? Lily felt like cursing. Aloud. She knew some vile and filthy words. Hanging around James and his friends had taught her some really good ones. Though she would never develop their unique talent for profanity, she had a feeling that on this particular occasion, she might be able to hold her own. Perhaps it would do her some good to use them. Apparently that vented frustration for some people. As she was opening her mouth, she abruptly shut it. What if someone came in? Theyd think she was crazy. Crazy. Remus had to be crazy. There was no other word for it. There was nothing about her to attract him. She knew that. After all, she looked in the mirror every day, didnt she? Certainly she wasnt anywhere near pretty. If Remus were the type of boy to look beyond the exterior (which he was), he wouldnt find much else to like, either. She knew that sometimes she could be scathing, sarcastic and mean. And James. Well, everyone just sort of took for granted that James was crazy, but shed never honestly thought he was serious when he was trying to get her attention. She had just thought that he was bored and needed a challenge to hold his interest. Since she had no intention of giving in to him only to have him move on as soon as she did, the arrangement they had seemed satisfying for everyone involved, at least from her point of view, until Remus had said something. Remus. What did she really feel about Remus? She drew in a deep breath and thought of her friend. His eyes really grabbed a person. They were so sad. Not in a melodramatic, on-the-brink-of-tears, Muggle-soap-opera sad sort of way, but in a weary, watching-the-world sort of way. It was like, she mused, he constantly walked on eggshells to avoid getting hurt. She very desperately didnt want to hurt him. What would happen if she pulled away from him now? What would happen if she didnt? James James was an enigma to her. A puzzle she wanted to work out, but one that she knew she would never fully solve. She had begun to realize that James wasnt crazy, he was merely quicksilver, able to adjust to a variety of situations by simply bringing out the part of his personality that best suited whatever was happening. He could be, by turns, a leader, a mischief-maker, a companion, a conspirator, a friend and possibly more? Youre thinking so loudly I can hear you from over here. The voice made Lily turn suddenly, and when she saw who it belonged to, she was even more surprised. Sirius? Its a little bit different late at night, isnt it? What? The school. The way it looks. The way everything looks. Are you up late often? I mean, how do you know all that? I had a rough year I guess you could call it last year, and I found that sitting down here by myself helped me think things through. Yes. My thoughts keep going round in circles. I dont really seem to be getting anywhere. Maybe you can use me as a sounding board. Tell me what youre thinking. Sometimes it helps to have people listen to whats going on who arent involved. Or, at least, are only slightly involved. Its just this mess with Remus and James and me, Lily confessed, feeling a dam break somewhere inside of her. How am I supposed to know what to do about this? I really dont want to think about having to choose one or the other. I dont want to have to make a choice. No matter what happens, someones going to get hurt. Sirius nodded, resting his head on his palms. Theyve both put you in kind of a rough spot. I didnt think it would ever come to this, you know? I was hoping that James and I had settled into this comfortable relationship and things wouldnt have to change for a while. I was just getting used to liking him. And please dont ask me what I think about Remus. Sometimes I think that there might be a little bit of something there, you know. Sometimes. Theres this comfortable warm feeling when he accidentally touches my hand, or a little bit of a blush when he looks at me a certain way, but Sirius turned his gaze directly into Lilys eyes. But theres James, right? Yes, theres James. Theres nothing comfortable about the feeling I get when he touches my hand, and I know he does it on purpose. Everything he says irritates me, and when he looks at me that certain way Her voice trailed off, and she moved her eyes back to the windowsill. Hes not the same as he used to be. No, hes not. He feels responsible. More so than he ever has before. Responsible for what? Lily asked. Us, Sirius said wearily. All the Marauders. Hes always sort of been the de facto leader, but now he really feels it. Maybe he just decided it was time to grow up. Its sort of sad, isnt it? Blinking away tears, Lily turned to Sirius. That we have to grow up? Oh yes, definitely. Sirius chuckled low in his throat, but his heart wasnt in it. Life was so much simpler when it was all about Dungbombs and avoiding the caretaker during late-night runs to the kitchen. Thank you, Sirius. For what? All I did was listen. Lily smiled warmly and patted his arm gently. Sometimes thats all you have to do to make a girl feel better. Sirius nodded. Ill keep that in mind. You do that. Well, this certainly looks cozy, Peter said as he trotted down the stairs from the boys dormitories. What are you two up to? Why do you need to know? Sirius snapped, feeling unreasonably irritable. Are you writing a book? We were just talking, Peter, Lily said calmly, and rose gracefully to her feet. Were done now. Its late enough that all of us should have been in bed a long time ago. Good night, boys. Good night, Lily, Sirius called after her as she ascended the steps to her private Head Girl room. Whats so special about her? Peter mumbled to himself grumpily. Shes not even that pretty. Sirius glared sharply at him. Do you want to repeat that? What? Do you like her too? Suddenly aware that he had stepped on someones toes, Peter shrunk down. No. No that way. Shes really the only girl who only thinks of me as a friend here. I like her. Shes different. But I wouldnt go out with her, and I dont like her that way. Why not? Youre curious all of a sudden, Sirius commented, and moved to go up the stairs. You know what? Ill tell you why not. Its because shes Jamess. Remus knows it, I know it. And you know it, now that Ive told you. All thats left is for them to figure it out. ** The next morning, Lily found herself unduly anxious over her choice of wardrobe. What did one wear when ones entire life had been turned on end? It had been so much easier when she could simply ignore the fact that she was inescapably attracted to James Potter. Now that the fact had been shoved in her face, Lily wasnt quite sure what to do. With a helpless shrug, she chose a red shirt to wear under her school sweater and her favorite skirt. After taking a bit of time to make sure her hair at least looked presentable, she considered, very briefly, applying some color to her lips. Deciding that was a bit too much for what would appear to everyone else to be an ordinary day, she headed downstairs towards the common room. When she got there, she was surprised to see James seated on one of the armchairs, absorbed in his Transfiguration textbook. Good morning, she called cheerfully. Instantly, his head popped out of the book and he grinned. Morning! You feeling better? Lily had the grace to blush. What? Last night, after we visited Remus, you didnt look too well, and you werent talking. It was Jamess turn to look sheepish. I just thought that you werent feeling well. James I was Suddenly wondering where all of her Gryffindor courage had abandoned her, Lily forced herself to complete the thought. I was wondering if we could just go for a walk. You know, instead of breakfast. James nodded. Of course. We can always grab something from the kitchens on the way to our first class. All right. Shyly, James opened the door for Lily. Off we go, then? Lily smiled, enjoying the vulnerability she was learning to appreciate in him. Yes, off we go. As they wandered the path from the main school buildings towards the Hogwarts lake they occupied themselves with trivial topics, talking about classmates and professors and life in general with the ease of a long friendship. When they neared the edge of the water, though, the air turned tense. They didnt speak for a long minute. Remus can be pretty intense after his transformation, James finally dared to say. Lily nodded, clutching her robes closer across her chest against the sudden chill she felt. He said some things, when you left. They really made me think. James raised an eyebrow and decided on a simple, Oh? About you and me, and me and him. You and Remus? Suddenly crestfallen, James turned his attention to the water. Is there a you and Remus? Lily sighed. No, there never was, but apparently, Remus wished there was . Ah. I see, James muttered anxiously. That certainly explains a lot. He paused. Is there going to be a you and Remus? Lily sighed. No, I dont think there will be. When he was telling me all this it was like he was a different person. The Remus I know wouldnt have ever brought the subject up, Lily said helplessly. The Remus you know is the side he would rather you know, James said in a low tone, his voice thoughtful and his eyes sad. Theres a lot more to Remus than you would think. I mean, its obvious hes a pretty deep person, but most people dont have a real inkling of what hes like when hes surrounded by people he trusts. You know what they say about still waters running deep. Listen, after a transformation, some of his wards are down. He spends a lot of energy on getting well enough to survive the next month and not so much energy on controlling how others see him, which is part of the reason why he prefers to spend his recovery day away from people. Even us. Lily nodded. I can see why. It was almost frightening how intense he was. Yes, I imagine it could be. James paused, then looked over at her. What did he say about you and me? Once again, Lily blushed, feeling the heat of it crawl across her face. He was talking about how he wouldnt ever try to be with me, because you and I were so right for each other. Did he really? Yes, he did, Lily said quickly, and moved on so as to diffuse the frustration and embarrassment she saw on Jamess face, and he got me thinking. He got me thinking that that maybe hes right. The shock on Jamess face would have made her giggle in any other situation. Do you really think that? That hes right, I mean. Lily let out a short laugh but couldnt bring herself to look James directly in the eye. Yes, I think maybe hes right. You you were amazing after Mum died. How you would show up at all the right moments to comfort me or irritate me, anything to get my mind off of how miserable I was feeling. You listen to me. Sometimes, I think you know what Im thinking before I do. Yes, but all that makes me is a good friend. James sighed in frustration. Dont get confused because Remus ran you through an emotional meat grinder. Im not confused, Lily spat out. Dont lie to me and tell me that dont think we ought to be together when The blush that had already begun to spread burst into flame. When you touch me, okay? She whispered the last part softly and made him chuckle. This isnt funny. James shook his head. I know its not. Really, I do. Im just really, really relieved. I was wondering when you were going to work this out. Lily closed the distance theyd put between them and laid a hand on his cheek. Im sorry it took me so long. No, its probably for the best. My mum says everything happens in the right season. Shes a pretty smart lady. Unconsciously, he reached for a lock of her hair and was beginning to twist it around his finger. Unbidden, tears sprang in Lilys eyes. H-hey, dont start that on me! James protested. I know I shouldnt. Normally I wouldnt, Lily said, trying desperately to explain through the moisture swimming in her eyes. I just was up all night, and I couldnt think of anything else, and I was terrified that you didnt like me anymore . Feeling a tad bit uncomfortable, James reached an arm around her waist and drew her closer to him. Apparently that was the right thing to do, because she held on to him tightly and eventually calmed down. Until she did, he simply enjoyed the feel of her next to him, and the sense of rightness he had never felt holding anyone else. ** Authors Note: Thank you all so very much for continuing to read and review this story, even through my unintentional three-month hiatus. No, I havent died, and no, death threats dont encourage me to update. I havent left the fandom and I havent stopped writing. All of these rumors are untrue, and some of them even made me laugh. I realize parts of this read like a Harlequin Romance novel. I tried my best. Thanks, Anne and KC for being so patient and inquiring several times as to when I was going to update this story! It kept me on my toes. Readers should thank Carissa for pointing out that a confrontation feel to this chapter wasnt the best way to approach it. I like this version much better. Until next time, I remain LadyChi.
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