[[SIZE=7]Okay, I did something really impulsive, and I'm having my regrets, but it's done. Now, I don't know if it's because confession is good for the soul or because I 'm hoping someone will tell me that I'm not totally wrong about sending an email that may really disrupt someone's life, but I'm sharing it with you bunch. I'm adopted. My birth mother and I are great friends. I found her when I was 18. She's now good friends with my mom too. I had to find my birth father first in order to find her. He and I are not friends. We haven't had any contact since 1980. I think I found someone on line who is most likely my half brother. I emailed him at his work address and told him I was doing genealogy and would like to compare family trees and thanked him for his time. My birth father had told me he had a son and a daughter back when I first found him in 1978, but wouldn't tell me their names. He said it was none of my business, and I shouldn't contact them. I decided that he just didn't want to admit to them that he was less than perfect, but I respected his wishes, for awhile. I waited 20 years and tried contacting him again. This time I got his ex-wife and found out their names. However, she wouldn't tell them about me without his consent, and he refused to give it. I've made no contact since. Until today. It's not like these are little kids, but I'm feeling really guilty for emailing my possible half-brother. I'm not looking for a family type relationship. I'm just intensely curious. By the way, his web site had his photo. We have the same nose.[SIZE]

these things are never, ever easy to deal with.

My mum had a first marrige with no kids. It didn't work out, and later on, she married my father, (he turned out to be a bad egg). I found out about Kurt, and when my Mum passed away, I googled her first husband to let him know that his first wife had passed.

We got to know one another, and later on in the year he was thrilled to meet me. He was saddened that a woman he deeply cared about was gone, but in a way both of us are grateful that something good had come of her defiant daughter not abiding by her Mum's wishes in the face of her passing. Today, I am good friends with Kurt. Indeed, I wish I had been able to have his advice while growing up.

However, my mother, during her lifetime, was set against myself going to meet Kurt, know anything about him, etc.etc. I often wondered why, and I asked my mother's sister about the situation. Many cups of tea later, I had my answer... my mother's life with Kurt was far and away a different lifetime from the life she had with my father. Not only did she have a very different life philosophy, she was a completely different person from the one I knew. She needed, according to my aunt, to keep these lives separate. Whether it was due to shame, or personal differences, or simply the fact that she was reborn into a new person, her life began the day my sister and I were born, and she made members of the family swear up and down that they would never reveal to us her past.

QUOTE

"My birth father had told me he had a son and a daughter back when I first found him in 1978, but wouldn't tell me their names. He said it was none of my business, and I shouldn't contact them."

now, that's 26 years ago. Certainly, you're not a child, and as you said, you have no designs on a family-type relationship - it's normal to be curious about where you come from. While it is 'none of your business' in his world, it is your business in your world. Taking it at face value, you have not respected his wishes. You need to decide for yourself if it really is important to your relationship with him to respect his wishes. If anything does turn of this email, and you care about this matter deeply, then go and appologise. Make your case, explain that you meant no disrespect, and let it be. However, if nothing comes of it, don't worry yourself too deeply - nothing happened to write home about. You might find out why he had a very good reason to keep you away.

I know this posting might not help, but keep your chin up...only you can judge your actions in this as to whether what you've done is wrong - don't be too hard on yourself... Family is an imporant thing in life - for many reasons...

I don't think that was the wrong thing to do at all Kelleypen. You don't need to abide by your father's wishes, this man is your brother and you have every right to meet him and get to know him and form a friendship with him. If he doesn't want any of those things, that's ok too and I'll know you'll respect that. I don't think you did the wrong thing at all.

I hope it works out they way you want it to!

Katie

You have extended the hand and given him an option. Hopefully, it will all work out. As the saying goes, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" and all you can do is try.

Good luck
Robert

It isn't for your father to dictate terms, really, seeing as this may be something which benefits all three of you. Do your father's children even know they have a sister?
I think you were well within your rights to email someone you came across who could be your brother. If you would like to get to know your siblings then I think that you should go for it. Don't feel guilty. If you do turn out to be related and he wants to get to know you then that's great. But do what you feel happy with.

Good luck,
Hugs,
Antonia
xx

Kelley,

There was nothing wrong with that ata all. You do have a right to know your family good or bad. How can your Father dictate terms to a grown woman? You do not need his consent or approval. I think you have a right to know.

If you are still comncerned, perhaps ask your father why he didn't want you to contact them? You may even want to tell him that you did it anyway and explain why you felt it was important to you.

Good Luck!

I've had no contact with my birth father for 20 years. He likes it that way. I doubt my siblings know I exist. I gave my birth mother a link to the web site. She took one look at him and is positive that he's my brother: he looks too much like my birth father did. And the closer I look, the more I see my son's chin and smile and eye crinkles, and my nose and face shape, and other traces of family in his face. I'm pretty sure he's my brother. I'm totally amazed by his job description, but I'll keep it under the radar for now, because there can't be many like him. So I'm not worried about losing a relationship with my birth father: that happened years ago.


And thanks for all your reassurance.

Hugs. Hope it all goes well for you.
It must be the weirdest feeling to see your children's features in someone you've never met's face. All the more reason why he should be given the opportunity to be part of your life.
Antonia
xx

He called me, He called me , he called me!!! We're going to start emailing each other. And he's letting his sister know. Thank you everybody!

i'm so glad it all worked out for you

Ditto from me. ne word of caution. Take things slowly and don't rush too fast. I hope all goes well.

I wish you good luck!

YAY!!! I'm so happy for you Kell,

Keep us posted and remember it will take time, but you are a wonderful person (what's not to like ) and I have faith that it will work out for you. Our prayers are with you, God Bless!

Life is a rollercoaster. Funny how something disappoints you and then physically you feel everything change too: head gets cold, chest gets cold pressure, hands get shaky--but no tears, no anger, just disappointment--my body is doing a better job of expressing how I feel than my words or emotions. My half-brother talked with his(our) dad and sister, and they didn't want contact with me and talked him out of it too. He doesn't want to cause problems in the family. So I'm back to square 1 1/2. Not quite square one, but not much farther along either. Bummer. Kelley

I'm so sorry Kelley

What's your next step?

Repeat one more time that life lesson about learning patience, and wait. And pray a bit too. Maybe the Spirit would touch his curiosity for me. I sure get that patience lesson a lot. Maybe one of these days I'll actually learn it and I won't be given it any more.

Sorry things didn't work out, Kelly.

Keep him on your rolodex and send him a Xmas card. Beyond that, all you can do is just know that he is out there and hope things chane down the road.

Robert

I'm sorry things didn't work out. I think Robert has the right idea. Send him a Christmas card every year and hope he changes his mind.

Until then, at least he knows you're there, and at least you've had some contact with the family.

If it's any consolation, you've still got US!

I wish I could post more Kelly, but I'm at school (as always) and I can't type much. I know how you feel though, and I want you to understand that. Joe won't let me be in the lives of my siblings and it hurts a lot. But you said it yourself, they're not children anymore. They can decide for themselves if they want to have a relationship with you, whatever that relationship may be. I wish you the best of luck. , Krys