Harry, I love you, but please don't ever send me your dodgy midnight ramblings again. I had to brush my teeth after I had read it just to get rid of the syrupy taste.
Now that's out of the way, you do realise that turn-around is fair play?
-- Woof Woof
To: The critic
Subject: Re: shakes head
Dodgy midnight ramblings!? I pour out my soul to you, and this is how you repay me?
Ok, I've looked at what I sent you, and maybe it is a bit dodgy. Hey, I'm young and in love, what are you expecting? William Blake?
What do you mean by "Turn-around is fair play?"
From: Your favourite godfather
To: Prongs Junior
Subject: Re: Re: shakes head
Who's William Blake?
It's time for you to give her surprise kisses.
-- Woof Woof
From: Prongs Junior
To: My only godfather.
Padfoot, you're a genius!
H. Muggle Poet
"You seem in a good mood this morning, Harry," Ron said, shovelling eggs into his mouth, as if eating fast would ensure that Salmonella would have no chance of infecting him.
"I had a Mmail conversation with Padfoot," Harry explained with a grin. He was enjoying his sausages.
"Oh, what did he have to say?"
"Ron, don't talk with your mouthful," Hermione said, leaning back to avoid being sprayed.
"Sorry," Ron mumbled, his face fell as he shot puppy dog eyes at his girlfriend.
Harry proved, in that instant, that he was a heroic Gryffindor by refraining from rolling his eyes at the two of them.
"Where is he?" Hermione asked.
"Dunno," he shrugged. "He said he was out on Order business with Moony."
"Oh," the conversation seemed to dry off as they concentrated on finishing off their food.
"What does Ginny have scheduled this morning, Hermione?" Harry asked. "I need to talk to her about the game against the Slytherins."
The bushy-haired girl looked at him suspiciously - a look Ron didn't spot. "She's got double potions first."
Harry carried his bag to his defence class, it was a little fuller than normal, but he hoped that no one would notice.
The class passed quickly for him since he barely paid attention. His mind was firmly on the working out the timings for getting from the Defence class, down to the potions dungeon, then getting Ginny alone without anyone seeing him.
Still, if she could do it to him, he must be able to do it to her. After all, he was the Boy Who Lived.
As the class ended, Harry turned to his two friends. "Damn it, I forgot my homework for McGonagall. I'll see you in class." He turned and ran off.
"That boy would forget his head if it wasn't attached," Ron said with a grin, wrapping an arm around his girlfriend.
"Yes," Hermione agreed, although her face had a suspicious look on it again.
Harry pulled his Invisibility Cloak out of his bag, having retrieved it from Ginny that morning. He pulled it on and ran as fast as he could to the Potions dungeon, taking a short cut from behind a statue.
He managed to arrive just as Ginny's class was exiting. He stood to one side, looking for the bright hair that signified a Weasley. When she didn't exit immediately, he crept to the door, and saw that she was placing her potion on the rack for examination later.
He looked around, and then smirked to himself. As silently as he could, he pointed his wand at the wall of the dungeon corridor, cast a Cushioning charm on it, and then waited.
Ginny exited the classroom, scowling at being held back by Snape. Harry threw off his Invisibility Cloak and grabbed Ginny by the shoulder. Before she could even squeak in surprise, he pushed her hard against the newly cushioned wall.
Her eyes flew open in surprise, before closing as Harry pressed his body hard against hers and kissed her the same way she had kissed him the first time. It was forceful, with his tongue pressing against her lips, entreating entry.
Just as she realised what was happening, and became prepared to enjoy it, he stepped back, smirked at her, and picked up his cloak. He was gone before she could blink, leaving her gaping against the wall, with her knees suddenly weak. Her body was only now telling her just how much she had enjoyed what he had been doing to her.
Ginny suddenly realised that her back wasn't hurting and touched the wall. She recognised the Cushioning charm, and slowly smiled. If that wasn't a sign that Harry had feelings for her, then she didn't know what was. Any boy who was concerned enough to make sure a girl wasn't even slightly hurt by his passion, when he was kissing her senseless, was definitely a keeper.
"Well, well, what do we have here? A weasel daydreaming? About Potty? You're pathetic. He'd never look at a tramp like you. Still, if you want to earn some cash, I'd do you."
Ginny straightened up and looked at her verbal assailant quizzically. "That was a big mistake, Malfoy," she told him calmly.
"What?" he asked, apparently a little surprised at the response.
She walked forwards and ran her fingers down his cheek slowly. "You will pay for that," the redhead promised with a little smile. Growing up with six oft-boisterous boys had taught her one or two things. She stepped forwards a little, and added her momentum to the knee that she kicked out as hard as she could.
Ginny smiled with pleasure as Draco's face went white, then red, before he collapsed onto the floor, clutching his crotch with tears running down his face.
"That's only the first part of your payment, Draco," she purred softly. "I'm going to destroy your reputation next."
With a happy skip, Ginny bounced off to her next class, leaving the helpless boy on the floor.
Mom, it's so great. Harry kissed me! He did it outside Potions, and even cast a Cushioning charm on the wall so I wouldn't be hurt.
This is great! I'm going to ask him out soon!
Your deliriously happy daughter.
From: A happy and sad Mum
To: My little girl's growing up
Subject: Re: Private
I'm pleased that Harry is kissing you, and that he is taking care of you. I guess it's just a shock to hear that my daughter is being kissed and enjoying it so much.
I know you think you know what you are doing, love, but please be careful because I'd hate for you to get hurt.
Arthur and I love Harry to bits, but you are our daughter and will always come first to us.
Lots of love, Mum
To: My mum
Subject: Re: Private
Muuum, I love you, and Dad. You knew this was going to happen sooner or later, and I don't know if this will reassure you, but Harry's not the first boy I have kissed, or even the second.
He is the only person who makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world when we kiss. That boy puts his soul into it, Mum. It's like the kiss you said Dad gave you. It tingles on your lips and you can still feel it burning hours later, and it makes your knees want to go into different directions.
And Mum, I know that physically I'm not an adult, but you remember the nightmares I had after Voldemort's possession? The times you let me sleep with you at night when I was so terrified that whenever I closed my eyes, Tom would be there telling me to try and kill Harry? I'm not an average kid any more. Harry is the only person who can understand; who can make me forget it, and even accept it. And you know something? Despite him having been through things a thousand times worse, he is still more concerned about me than himself.
I'm in love, Mum.
From: Reluctantly accepting
To: My only daughter
Subject: Re: Re: Private
I do remember it as possibly the worst time of my life. Knowing that you were in pain and there was nothing else I could do about it.
All I'll say is that if he hurts you, he won't just have your brothers to contend with.
I'm glad he makes you happy; just remember that I'll accept grandkids from Bill, Charlie, or Percy, but not you (yet)!
Anyway, your father's written the letter and will send it to Harry tomorrow.
From: The cuddly one
To: The hopefully sneaky one
Can you try and sneak out to The Three Broomsticks at lunchtime? I'll be passing by and want to see you.
From: I took polyjuice potion to get into the Slytherin common room
To: Cuddly my arse!
Subject: Re: Lunch
I'll be there at one.
From: Albus Dumbledore
To: 4th years, 5th years, 6th years, and 7th years
Subject: Halloween Ball
Dear Senior Students,
There will be a full costume Halloween ball this year with prizes of House Points to the best-dressed boy and girl.
This dance will be what is called in the Muggle world, a Sadie Hawkins dance. For those of you who are not familiar with this colloquialism, a Sadie Hawkins dance is where the girls ask the boys to go with them, and not the traditional other way around.
As always, this ball is only open to 4th years and above, unless a person is directly invited by a member of those years.
As I understand the effect this sort of announcement has on the student body, I have suspended classes for the afternoon.
-- Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and Chairman of the International Confederation of Wizards
Hermi! You read that? You going to ask Ron out immediately, or are you going to let him suffer for a few days first? Revenge for your 4th year.
To: Evil, but I think I love you
Subject: Re: Dance
I was going to ask him straight away, but now that you mention it, I think I will let him stew for a day or so. No one else would ask him anyway, at least not after how he treated his last date.
I take it you're going to ask Harry?
From: I don't swing that way
To: The bookworm
Subject: Re: Dance
Yes, I'm going to ask Harry straight away. Where is he anyway?
To: My beloved twin
Who are you going to ask to the dance?
Rumour has it that Ginny Weasley has finally plucked up the courage and is going to ask Harry Potter to the dance.
Subject: Fwd: Halloween
Thought you might be interested in this...
> Rumour has it that Ginny Weasley has finally plucked up the courage, and is going to ask
> Harry Potter to the dance.
From: Seeker Girl
Subject: Re: Fwd: Halloween
Thanks Padma, I'll have to make sure I get to him first. Any idea where he is?
From: Lucius Malfoy
To: Glory Parkinson
Subject: Halloween Ball
I got an Mmail that Dumbledore has arranged for a Halloween Ball at the school, and that he is doing something Muggle with it. Having asked around, we feel this might be an opportunity for Pansy to prove her loyalty and get close to Potter. Draco tells me that the idiot boy is naïve in these matters, and may be open to corruption.
If she succeeds, a friend of mine would look at her job application most favourably.
My Darling Daughter,
I have heard that there is a Halloween ball it's been suggested by close friends of ours that it would be a good opportunity for you to engage in activities to end certain inter-house rivalries, and perhaps show a Gryffindor friend that we are not as bad as we have been portrayed.
Success would go a long way to getting you that special present you want so badly.
Subject: Re: Ball
Not a problem. If are talking about the same green-eyed Gryffindor, I'd be delighted to introduce him to the benefits of crossing the hall, so to speak.
The present would be a great bonus!
From: Slytherin Queen
What have you heard about Potter and the Dance?
-- Purity is Truth
From: Edgecombe, Marietta
To: Pansy Parkinson
Cho is going to ask Harry to the Halloween Dance as soon as she sees him.
My debt is paid.
To: You still owe me
Subject: Re: Dance
You still owe me. I haven't forgotten and I can still tell Cho how it was you that wrecked her relationship.
I want you to delay Cho, so that I have a chance to get to him first.
-- Purity is Truth
To: Cousin Morag
Subject: The dance
Hey, Morag, you'll never guess what I just heard...
Pansy is going to ask Harry Potter to the dance.
Subject: You'll never believe this
Hermione, you remember I said I'll pay you back for helping me pass Transfiguration last term? Well, this is a little of it ;-)
I just heard from a reliable source that a certain Slytherin is going to ask Harry to the dance. I'm not saying who, but normally, you have to ask Malfoy to bend over before you can find her.
AND, a certain Ravenclaw is also after a return to Potter-land, if you get my drift.
Subject: Sadie Hawkins Dance
Is Harry Potter seeing anyone?
From: I didn't know you like him
To: Susan & Harry sitting in a tree
Subject: Re: Sadie Hawkins Dance
Not that I'm aware off, but why Harry?
From: I guess I do
To: Very Mature
Subject: Re: Sadie Hawkins Dance
Well, he is cute, and under those baggy robes he wears, I've been reliably informed by his Quidditch team mates that he is really well built, and have you seen those eyes of his? I swear that green could light up the Great Hall with all the lights turned off.
It does sound like I have a crush, doesn't it? sigh
To: Hopelessly devoted
Subject: Re: Sadie Hawkins Dance
Yep, 100% crush, but at least he is drool-worthy. Look, you're cute, blonde, intelligent and loyal a true Hufflepuff. And if anyone needs a 'Puff's love, it's Harry.
If you ask him first, he'll probably be so surprised, that he'll say yes, and then you can work on him.
From: Looking surprised
To: Smug git
Subject: Re: Sadie Hawkins Dance
Wow, you actually gave me some good advice ;-) I'll take it.
Where is Harry, anyway?
From: Finch-Fletchley, Justin
To: Granger, Hermione
Subject: Pay back
You know you said that, as a thank you for you helping me with Potions, I should tell you any gossip about Harry?
Well, I just heard that Susan Bones is going to ask Harry to the dance lucky guy.
Oh, Thursday's prefect meeting is being put back one hour. Can you please tell the other Gryffindor prefects?
From: You owe my big time for this
To: Lucky I heard this
Ginny, I just heard from a very reliable source that Cho Chang, Pansy Parkinson, and Susan Bones are all planning on asking Harry to the ball.
You better move quickly, or all your work will be wasted. You know Harry hates upsetting anyone, and is liable to say yes without meaning it.
From: I am lucky
To: You're right
Subject: Re: READ
OH GOD! This is disastrous and I even got Dad to write Harry a letter tomorrow. I need to get to him first. Hermi, you've got to help me. Please! I'll do anything!
Where is Harry?
"So, what's it like then?"
"Take that smug look off your face, Padfoot," Harry grinned at his godfather.
"Me? I'm the epitome of Sirius-ness."
Harry groaned. "Ok, that's it. One more Sirius-Serious joke and I will prove once and for all that I am the son of a Marauder and I will prank you into next year."
"That almost sounds like a challenge."
"Those jokes are so bad that even Snape would give them up!"
"Hey," Sirius Black looked highly insulted. "They're not that bad, are they?"
"Yes!" Harry said forcefully.
"Oh," The former Marauder looked disgruntled for a moment, then gave it up and grinned. The two of them were sitting in a private room in The Three Broomsticks, enjoying a leisurely lunch together. It was rare that the two of them got to spend time together these days, so they both enjoyed it while they could.
"I'm just hoping that if there is a dance this year, she'll say yes when I ask her."
"So you are going to ask her straight away, not muck around for ages first?" Sirius asked, hiding his smile and attempting to be serious.
"Hell yes," Harry replied, his eyes flaring. "You might not have noticed, but she is drop-dead gorgeous, and has this really great body that has all these curves that fee..."
"Harry! Harry!" Sirius interrupted desperately. "Too much information there!"
"Oh." Harry suddenly realised what he had said, and blushed furiously. "Sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean to say that out loud," he admitted with a self-deprecating grin.
Sirius Black felt his heart jump a little. For a brief second, Harry's expression was a perfect mixture of James and Lily: Lily's hangdog eyes when he had done something that went a little too far, and James' reproachful look. Strangely though, instead of making him think of the two of them, it actually brought home the fact that he was dealing with their son, and that their son had had a pretty rotten life so far and didn't really have a parental figure he could talk to.
"I was hoping to let Remus do this," Sirius sighed. He walked to the private bar, and helped himself to a bottle of Fire Whiskey and two glasses.
"What's this?" Harry asked, a little confused.
"What do you know about sex and making love?" Sirius asked.
Harry blanched, before turning extremely red. "Why?" he croaked.
Sirius knocked back a glass of the whiskey. "Because I'm going to tell you the facts of life."
Harry's eyes went extremely wide, and with a shaky hand he grabbed his own glass. He swallowed it in one go, and then went into a huge coughing fit as the liquid burnt its way down his throat. He had faced Voldemort on more occasions than pretty much anyone else alive, had faced death every year since he'd turned eleven, and was more scared now than he could ever remember.
"Now, Harry, when a man and a woman love each other very much, and get involved in kissing, there are certain natural reactions..."
Harry and Sirius drank a lot of whiskey during that conversation, as they found it was the only thing that stopped either of them from dying of embarrassment.
"Damn it," Ginny cursed under her breath. "He's not in the Room of Requirement, the Astronomy Tower or the Quidditch pitch. Where can he be?"
"I don't know," Hermione replied, looking a little worried herself. "Ron checked his trunk, and both the Map and his cloak are missing. He could be anywhere!"
"Do you think he might be avoiding me?"
Hermione shook her head. "Nope. I kinda sneaked a look at his Mmail account, and he hasn't picked up the Mmail about the dance yet."
Ginny tried hard to look shocked, but gave in and hugged her friend. "Thanks!"
"I thought you didn't swing that way," Hermione teased gently.
Ginny just laughed, before sobering. "Yeah, but where is Harry?"
"Damn it," Cho cursed under her breath. "He's not out on the Quidditch pitch, the Room of Requirement or the Astronomy Tower. Where can he be?"
"I don't know," Marietta replied, a fake look of worry on her face. "He could be anywhere."
"Do you think he might be avoiding me?"
Marietta shook her head. "He doesn't even know you are looking for him," she told her logically.
Cho smiled and hugged her friend.
"I'm glad you're my friend!"
"Damn it," Susan cursed under her breath. "He's not in the Astronomy Tower, the Quidditch pitch or the Room of Requirements. Where can he be?"
"I don't know," Hannah replied, an amused look on her face. "He could be anywhere!"
"Do you think he might be avoiding me?"
Hannah shook her head. "He hardly knows you, Sue," she replied, honestly.
Susan's face fell, and she hugged her friend tightly.
"Damn it," Pansy grumbled. "I've had to walk half way around this damn castle and I still can't find him. And bloody Draco's no help, not even when I told him it was a mission."
"You know, your Animagus form brings a whole new meaning to 'Doggy Style'" Harry smirked.
Sirius laughed and leaned back, unfortunately, he leaned too far and toppled over onto his back.
Harry burst out laughing, and fell off his own chair as well.
Sirius grinned, and looked at his watch. "We're late," he gasped, shooting to his feet, and grabbing the table for support.
"Late for what?" Harry slurred.
"Your dinner, and my appointment," Sirius replied. Although they had drunk equal amounts, the ex-convict's age and experience (not to mention height and weight) meant he was the soberer of the two of them. He carefully walked over to the private bar, and started to mix ingredients, at the same time filling the sink with ice-cold water. A minute later, he returned with two goblets full of a green, steaming, liquid.
Harry looked at it balefully. "It doesn't look very nice," he whined.
Sirius nodded, "It's not. But it will get you sober quicker than anything else on the planet."
"Oh," Harry grinned. "Bottom's up." The boy drained the goblet, and then jumped to his feet. "Aiiiiiii!!!!" he whispered hoarsely, as his vocal cords tightened, preventing him from making a loud sound. He ran round and around in a circle, as steam came out of his ears, before he plunged his head into the water.
"Wow," he gasped. "I didn't think that ANYTHING was worse than Polyjuice potion!"
Sirius laughed loudly, then drunk his own goblet. While he managed to avoid the girlish screams and the running in circles, he too dunked his head in the water.
"Come on," the elder wizard smirked. "I'll walk you back to school, and you can tell me why you have been drinking Polyjuice potion."
Harry grinned. "Ok."
In the forbidden forest, Firenze looked at the sky, and muttered. "Jupiter is moving into Mars. Strange cosmic forces are at work."
At the same time, Ginny and Hermione, Cho and Marietta, Susan and Hannah, and Pansy all thought of the same thing at the same time, in a rare display of cosmic coincidence.
A few minutes later the four girls, minus their friends, arrived in the same place, outside Hagrid's hut.
"What are you doing here?" Ginny hissed towards Cho.
Cho raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "None of your business, Weasley."
"I hope you're not here for Potter," Pansy said bluntly as she joined the two girls. "He's mine."
For a second, Cho and Ginny's eyes met as they dealt with a common enemy. They were both thinking the same thing: 'Harry would rather date Voldemort than her!"
"Hey guys," Susan said innocently. "Seen Harry?"
She was a little surprised when all three girls turned and growled at her.
"I was just telling the losers here," Pansy rumbled. "That Potter's mine for this damn dance."
Susan raised her eyebrows, "You've asked him?"
"No," the blonde girl reluctantly admitted.
"Then he's not yours yet," the Hufflepuff grinned.
The door to Hagrid's hut opened and Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, stepped out. "Is there a problem?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.
"Have you seen Harry, sir?" Ginny blurted out.
Dumbledore paused, as he felt the eyes of all four girls turn to him. He suddenly realised what this was about, and it took over a hundred years of willpower for his smile not to change into a full-blown smirk.
"I believe," he said, knowing full well what he was letting Harry in for, "That Harry is currently sitting at the Gryffindor Table, in the Great Hall, about to eat dinner."
As one, the girls turned and sprinted away from him.
The Headmaster laughed to himself, and then with a 'pop' he moved himself to the antechamber, using the same method that the House Elves used to move around the castle. He really didn't want to miss the end of this show.
Pansy, seeing that she was being left behind, pulled out her wand and shouted "Impedimenta!" at her three opponents.
Ginny growled as she felt herself slowing to a stop. She growled harder as Pansy smirked as she regally strolled past. Although it took her an age, she managed to pull her own wand. "Finite Incantatem." Her movements back to normal; she looked up, and shouted, "Locomotor Mortis!" at the Slytherin.
The leg lock curse worked perfectly, causing Pansy to fall to the floor. Ginny smirked for a second, and started to run again towards the main entrance of the school.
Cho and Hannah had managed to free themselves, and took off after the girl. Together, they shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!" at the red-haired witch. Luckily, Ginny's training from the D.A. kicked in, and she managed to dodge one of the curses, and only get a slight hit from the other. It wasn't enough to freeze her, but enough to slow her down.
Pansy picked herself up off the floor, and took off again with Cho and Susan following metres behind her. Ginny cancelled the spell, and then groaned as she saw the three of them entering the school. She quickly cast the trip jinx on them. The three girls stumbled together and slid across the floor in a tangle of limbs. Ginny didn't bother to smirk as she hurdled over them, crashing into the door that opened into the Great Hall.
Her wild entrance caused most eyes to look at her. She slammed the doors shut and cast "Colloportus" on them sealing them tight.
Her eyes were bright as she looked around the hall, searching for Harry. A thump behind her announced that the other girls were on their feet and had tried to open the door. She spotted Dumbledore sitting at the head table; he had motioned for the other teachers to remain still for now. It didn't even cross her mind that it should have been impossible for him to be there.
Harry was sitting in his usual place, watching with a surprised expression. Ginny ran down the Hall, heading straight for him. He was sat on the opposite side of the table from her, next to Ron. Hermione was opposite Ron, with Ginny's usual place next to her left empty. She didn't slow down as she reached the table.
Behind her, she head three voices shout, "Alohomora!" The doors swung open with force, almost breaking and falling off their hinges. As one, the three girls raised their wands again.
"Avis!" Susan shouted, causing a flock of birds to appear in Ginny's path, trying to distract her.
"Accio!" Cho cried, at the same time pointing her wand at Ginny.
Pansy swote, then with a flick of her wand, Bat Bogey Hex just as the other two girls cast their spells.
Ginny took one more step and placed her foot on the bench where she normally sat, and dived across the table. The Summoning Charm missed her and caught the birds Susan had created, pulling them at high speed towards the three girls; they impacted, covering them all with feathers. The Bat Bogey Hex missed Ginny by a whisker, and flew on unimpeded through the great hall, before it impacted on the next target: Professor Severus Snape.
Snape stood and his nose suddenly started to run as large amounts of snot poured out. The nasal waste seemed to grow wings before it started to attack the Slytherin head of house. He batted at his face and screamed, "Get them off me!" before diving under the table in a futile attempt to escape. The enchanted bogies simply followed him everywhere.
Harry's surprised turned to shock as he realised there was an incoming redhead arriving at full speed. Ginny impacted against his chest pushing him out of his seat and onto the floor. "Ginny?" he croaked, as everyone swivelled their heads at once, wanting to see their screeching professor, while at the same time wanting to see what was going on with Ginny and Harry.
To Ron's disbelief, Ginny kissed Harry as hard as she could, and deliberately writhed against him. Harry gasped against her mouth, his hands shooting up to hold her close. Ginny broke the kiss and leaned back. "Will you go to the dance with me?" she asked breathlessly.
"YES!" Harry almost shouted immediately. He had no idea where he was at the moment, just that a girl who a second ago had been giving him some entirely new sensations had just asked him to a dance. He had no clue what dance, and really didn't care. The idea of vertical writhing in the shape of a dance was a surprisingly good one.
From the doorway, came three groans.
"Finite Incantatem" Dumbledore eventually said at last, rescuing his Potions professor.
"Cho Chang!" Professor Flitwick shouted, getting to his feet.
"Susan Bones!" Professor Sprout exclaimed.
"Pansy Parkinson!" Snape roared.
"Ginny Weasley!" Professor McGonagall bawled.
And as one, they shouted, "My office. Now!"
Ginny grinned and climbed off Harry, giving him a saucy wink, completely unconcerned about any punishment now she had the boy she wanted.
Ron looked down at Harry, his face going through a gamut of emotions. "What was that?"
"Well," Harry replied slowly, wishing that Ginny had cast a Cushioning charm on the hard Hall floor, "I'd say that I'm now dating your sister." The reluctance to confess was obvious on his face, but he really couldn't think of a decent enough lie not when he was having blood flow issues.
The emotion that Ron's face finally settled on was a mix of shock, anger, and fear.
From: Padfoot the sad
This is a bad day in Marauder history.
We've been superseded.
-- Forlorn woof
To: Does that make you a grim Grim?
Subject: Re: Superseded
What do you mean? I didn't even know you knew what superseded meant.
From: Bad jokes are my dept.
Subject: Re: Re: Superseded.
Superseded: to force out of use as inferior. You're not the only one who knows how to read.
Did you know that my beloved godson once took Polyjuice potion to find something out in the Slytherin common room?
Do you remember how hard we tried to get in there, and he did it in his 2nd year!
From: Your friend
To: You're right, they are your department
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Superseded
Padfoot old boy, I wasn't even sure you could read.
Harry took Polyjuice potion? I must say that I am impressed!
But don't worry, you still have the record for most embarrassing detention. Remember that time you had a few too many butterbeers celebrating a Quidditch victory? When McGonagall came in to break us up, you were in your Animagus form and ended up humping her leg!
Moony still laughing after all these years
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Superseded
YOU PROMISED TO NEVER MENTION THAT. WE TOOK AN OATH!
From: Still sniggering
To: Poor Doggy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Superseded
No, you took an Oath, Prongs and I refused. There was no way in hell we were going to let that one go. Now, what will I get if I promise not to tell Harry that story?
Moony could do with a bottle of twelve-year-old fire whiskey
To: The blackmailer
Subject: Re: Blackmail
No, I don't think I'll be getting you that. I did you a HUGE favour today.
I gave Harry the TALK!
From: Blinking Wildly
Subject: Re: Re: Blackmail
You did what!?
Do I need to go and see Harry to make sure he is ok?
From: What am I, Irish?
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Blackmail
I suddenly realised when I was having lunch with Harry that he is very serious about Ginny. I don't think he quite realises how serious he is, but the classic symptoms are there. Anyway, he drifted into this monologue with far too many details for a poor old godfather, and I realised that he needed to know now!
So, I shared a bottle of fire whiskey with him, and gave him the low down. I know we agreed that you could do it, but I think I did a pretty good job. I didn't joke about it till after we had got past the serious stuff.
Basically, I gave him a crash course in mechanics, then in advanced technique.
From: Slightly Suspicious
To: The Godfather
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Blackmail
Again, I'm impressed.
But, what do you mean by advanced technique?
From: I like that title
To: You'd be suspicious of your own mother
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Blackmail
Well, I kinda gave him the benefit of my experience. You know, what a girl likes, what a girl doesn't like, where the best places to stroke are, the best locations in Hogwarts, how to use the Marauders Map in 'Amorous Mode'. Basically, the combined details of everything we talked about till James got married.
Padfoot I did good, right?
From: Holding his head in his hands
To: Oh, Sirius
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Blackmail
Sirius...one of the main points of the Talk is to persuade the youngster NOT to immediately dive into having sex. Not to make him into some sort of God.
You're supposed to emphasis the emotional aspects as much as the physical parts, so that Harry doesn't immediately use those techniques.
Please, Please, Please tell me that you discussed contraceptives.
To: The learned one
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Blackmail
Yes, I did tell him about all the contraceptive spells because no one wants their partner to get pregnant, and girls are always more willing if that aspect is taken care of.
Still, emphasising the emotional aspects sounds like something a parent would do. It was my duty as a godfather to make sure that Harry knew what he was doing, how to do it, what to do to make it memorable, and how to make sure that the only repercussions involve demands for repeat performances.
-- Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? Because you can't bury them in trees!