I never thought I'd do a filk on Filch, but here it is; poor guy, he deserves SOME recognition, right? Well this is sung to "When You're Good to Mama," from the film Chicago.
*Intro. voice speaking* And now, witches and wizards- the keeper of the cat, the shaker of the shackles, the master of torture devices, Caretaker Argus Filch!
Ask any of the students in my cell They'll tell ya detention with me is hell I hate them all and all of them hate me And so this torture works, The torture that is done only by meeeeee!
Got a little motto, Always sees me through: When you're mean to Filchy, He will punish you!
There're a lot of pranks That Peeves can pull on you. You pull pranks on Argus, He'll just sentence you!
They say that I'm a cooty bat Who cannot be pensive, But don't you dare scare my old cat If you want to live!
Don't you know that this hand Can strangle that neck too? When you mess with Argus, Filch will mess with you.
If you want some gravy, Sneak on down the stairs. But if Argus finds you, You'll hang by your hair.
Snape gives out detention, Kids will see me soon. You come visit Filchy, Filchy sings a tune.
Albus, the nice headmaster, Is the one those brats adore. But let me have those chains again, And I'll complain no more!
Let's all get together With a foolish crew. When you're tricking Argus, He is hurting you!
So what's the one conclusion, I can bring before you floo? When you mess with Filchy, Argus will get youuuuu!
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