Author's Note: The following is a work of pure humor. Anyone attempting to find serious character development should look elsewhere. A wide variety of approaches here – something for everyone, I hope. Thanks are due to Hollow Godric for coming up with the idea, and jillybeans for encouraging me to write it up, and to Delylah and OHGinnyfan for letting me know what was funny and what wasn't.
"Actually, I'm George."
"Very well, have you given any thought to your career?"
"Yup. I'm going to start a joke shop."
"Are you serious!?!"
"Well, no, not really."
"Yeah, I'm actually Fred."
"Ah, Miss Weasley. Please, take a seat. Now, have you considered your future?"
"Oh yes. I've already started a secret affair with Draco Malfoy…. "
"Mr. Malfoy!?!? Of Slytherin?!"
"Is there another one at this school? Actually, I'd almost rather there was. Even though the forbidden love aspect draws me in, I can't help but feel repulsed by him at the same time, almost as if he's controlling me."
"That's a very serious allegation, Miss Weasley. Do you have any proof?"
"Oh, I'm not worried about it. As soon as Harry gets over his angst-fest, he'll suddenly realize he's madly in love with me and probably has been for years."
"Err, he will?"
"Oh yes. Then he'll save me, somehow, from whatever I need saving from, you know. Of course, it is rather odd; I get this feeling that, while I owe him for the Chamber already, it will be this time that I really see him as he truly is. Hmm."
"I'm glad you're able to speak of your experience in your first year so calmly, but perhaps…."
"Oh, so you don't think I'm tough enough? I'll (sniff) show you (sob) how tough I can be (sobs uncontrollably)."
"Miss Weasley, I'm so sorry, please don't…."
"Never mind, just PMS I guess, though, oddly enough, I don't think that's ever been a problem for Hermione or myself in our entire time at Hogwarts."
"Now that you mention it, that is unusual."
"Well, anyway, sometime soon I'm probably going to manifest some unique and special power that only Hermione and Professor Dumbledore have heard of before. After that, Voldemort will decide that killing me is the best way to get to Harry, and then one of my brothers will die."
"Um… which one?"
"Oh, who knows? Percy might get a chance for a death-bed reconciliation, Fred or George might make some last joke, Bill or Charlie could die tragically fighting for the Order, or maybe even Ron, though if he does, it's for sure Harry will nearly go to the Dark Side to avenge his death."
"Miss Weasley, are you feeling quite all right?"
"You know, it would have been a lot easier if Ron and I had switched places. Actually, that would make a wonderful story…."
"Oh I'm terribly creative, didn't you know? Well, no, you wouldn't, no one ever does until Harry suddenly discovers my talents. For that matter, no one notices what a sex goddess I've become until one day Harry can't take his eyes off me."
"Is this before or after Draco Malfoy?"
"Usually after, unless Harry does something that makes me instantly insane with jealousy, and I break up with him."
"Of course, it isn't likely to be his fault. Most likely, it'll just be some misunderstanding, but his life will be endangered because he thinks I don't love him anymore."
"Lavender Brown? Please take a seat. Have you given any thought to what you want to do after Hogwarts?"
"Oh, I'm going to be a Seer, Professor McGonagall. Professor Trelawney says I have a very strong Inner Eye."
"Ah. Of course. Perhaps, however, it might be wise to consider a back-up plan? After all, ah, the Inner Eye might fade with time."
"Oh no, Professor Trelawney assures me that once you find the True Sight, you never loose it. It can be quite a burden, she tells me."
"I'm sure it can. But, what if the world is not ready for a Seer?"
"Well, Professor Trelawney did warn me that a Seer is often unappreciated. Maybe I could be a fashion model?"
"I think that would be an excellent use for your natural talents. Good day, Miss Brown."
"Thank you, Professor!"
"Mr. Creevey, do you have plans for the future?"
"I want to be just like Harry Potter!"
"You want to have your parents murdered, be constantly hunted by the most evil wizard of modern times, and wind up in the hospital with serious injuries no less than once a year after narrowly escaping death?"
"You want to be the focus of attention for something you can barely remember, spend ten years with a Muggle family that hates you, and have your friends be constantly in peril just because they're your friends?"
"You want to wear extremely unaesthetic glasses?"
"No, I suppose not. Maybe I could be a photographer for the Daily Prophet."
"Ah, Miss Granger. I'm sure you've considered your future."
"Oh yes, Professor. I'm going to marry Ron."
"I… see. Does he know this?"
"Not yet. Boys can be so thick sometimes."
"Very true. How long do you think it will take him?"
"Well, I think it'll probably be about ten years or so. Of course, he did take four years to notice I was a girl, so it might be longer."
"That long? Hmm. Do you have any plans for what you'll do in the meantime?"
"Try to keep Harry from getting himself killed."
"That should certainly be a full time job."
"I'm used to it."
"Mr. Lupin, please take a seat."
"Thank you, Professor."
"I realize your situation makes this difficult, but have you considered what you will do after Hogwarts?"
"Actually, I have. I've found the perfect job, in fact."
"Really? I'm glad to hear that. Please tell me about it."
"I'm going to Hollywood. They're always casting werewolf movies, and I can do my own stunts!"
"Mr. Wood. No doubt you intend to try out for professional Quidditch after Hogwarts?"
"Of course, Professor."
"Yes. Have you considered the possibility that you might have to find an alternate career?"
"Well, I've considered giving seminars on leadership and team-building…."
"No, no, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful Quidditch player. In fact, I have a friend who plays for Puddlemore, perhaps I can set up a meeting."
"Ah, Mr. Potter. Please sit down."
"Thank you, Professor."
"Have you given any thought to your career after Hogwarts?"
"I'm considering several options."
"Why should I? I'm rich!"
"Ah, what would some of them be?"
"What was that last?"
"Curse breaker, Professor."
"Oh. Ah, please continue, Mr. Potter."
"Well, I'll need to see what I get O.W.L.'s in, I suppose."
"If I get any at all."
"If you get any at all?!"
"Really, Professor! My marks have been excellent so far! I see no reason to suggest that I won't get any O.W.L.'s!"
"Especially when I can bribe the examining board."
"BRIBE the… Sirius Black! Come out from under that cloak this INSTANT!"
"Mr. Riddle, what do you intend to do after Hogwarts?"
"Establish a magical petting zoo. Think of the potential! Everyone will want to come see and enjoy magical creatures."
"I'm afraid that won't work. The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures would never agree to a petting zoo. So many magical creatures are dangerous; it would be a massive liability. Not to mention the problem of keeping it secret from the Muggles."
"Oh. Well, I suppose in that case I'll have to establish an army of evil supporters and take over the world, ruthlessly crushing all who stand in my way. I'll start by giving myself an intimidating name, maybe an anagram of my real name. I could summon my henchmen to me by means of a mark burned into their arms – a mark which all would come to fear as a sign of darkness and power!"
"Very well, you seem to have thought it out. Have a good day."
"Thank you, Professor Fudge."
"Mr. Flint, what do you want to do when you graduate?"
"Hold on, haven't I been in this meeting before?"
"Come to think of it, I believe you have. Actually, shouldn't you be done with Hogwarts by now?"
"Yeah! Um. You don't happen to remember what I was going to do, do you?"
"No. You were just a throw-away character. Go play Quidditch or be a Death Eater or something."
"Please sit down, Mr. Crabbe."
"Please address me as Professor, Mr. Crabbe."
"I suppose determining your future employment is going to be entirely up to me?"
"Your job, after Hogwarts."
"oh, sidekick for draco"
"I suppose he can afford it, can't he? Very well, go back to the common room."
"A moment, Mr. Crabbe. Just for curiosity's sake, when did you learn to speak?"
"Oh? Well, remarkable progress, given how long you've been at it. Ah, keep it up."
"Blaise Zabini? Please have a seat. Have you considered…."
"You know, you'd think that people would have at least figured out my gender by now."
"I'm sure they have. Now, have you given any thought…."
"It's not like it isn't obvious."
"It certainly is. About your future…."
"I've been here for five years, after all. I'm a fully developed fifteen year old."
"I can see that. Perhaps we could…."
"I've had enough people ‘Mr., oh I'm sorry, Miss' me. Actually, when they do it the other way it's even worse."
"Highly upsetting, to be sure."
"I mean, robes aren't the most revealing clothing out there, but I dressed up for the Yule Ball, and it was pretty obvious, don't you think?"
"Everyone else is always ‘Mr. Malfoy' or ‘Miss Parkinson', but for some reason I'm always ‘Blaise Zabini' or just ‘Zabini.'"
"I'm afraid I hadn't noticed."
"Noticed? You did it too, just a minute ago!"
"If we could move on to the subject of this meeting…."
Author's Note: Thus ends my first attempt at Harry Potter comedy. Please review! No less than three references; including one fairly recent movie and one fairly old book. Anyone?
Kudos to Art Mulder for "A Girl Friend", which gave me a starting point for my Ginny sketch. If you can find any of Art's works, I recommend them highly.
If there is interest, I may take a shot at a second chapter, including the other houses along with additional Lions and Snakes. If there's anyone specific you'd like to see… maybe you should review and suggest them. J