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Author: hewithnoname Story: How do they do that? Rating: Teens Setting: Pre-DH Status: WIP Warning: Language Reviews: 4 Words: 20,088
It was the beginning of a very pleasant day. Arthur was driving his new car to a base of some kind, and they were going to spend the day with the Armed Forces. Arthur's companion was sitting in the passenger seat humming to a tune on the radio. "Turn left, in a mo.'" Arthur scowled. "When I say now, I mean now, got it?" Arthur frowned. "Now! Turn now, you're going to miss it! I told you, now you're just going to have to turn around and go – Oh, you have turned left' good fellow." Sid turned to Arthur. "Can't you turn that thing off?" Arthur looked a broken man. "If I knew how to turn it off, I wouldn't have asked the twins to turn it on." "I think they did something to it." Sid tried not to laugh. "Oh you think? I don't know how they got Molly's voice, but I'm scared to take a wrong turn." Arthur shuddered. "Last time I go down a one way lane the wrong way. I thought she was in the car; I could have sworn I had a clip around the ear as well!" Sid did laugh this time. "Still, it was clever of them to change the voice, and for it to tell you that your tie doesn't go with that shirt. Doesn't it also tell you when you need the loo?" "Oh yes, and that breaking wind isn't funny, or picking your nose." Arthur chuckled. "It also doesn't like you poking it with your wand or having its bits jinxed off. Still, that will be the last time it tells Molly off for breaking wind and picking her nose." Sid looked scandalized. "She didn't, did she? "What break –?" "No, jinx the Sat Nav." "Oh, yes, it won't even speak when she's in the car." Once again Arthur chuckled. "Mind you, she is almost as bad as the Sat Nav, except I can't tell her to shut up." Both men laughed long and hard at this, until... "You have arrived. Although I don't know why you want to be here, of all places –" "SHUT UP," both men shouted. Sid calmed himself down. "So, why couldn't we just Apparate here?" "I was advised not to, Sid; security is so tight, they would have shot you first, and then asked questions." Arthur looked over at Sid and sighed. "Well, how did you manage to get a day with the Muggle Armed Forces then?" Sid couldn't get the idea of being shot down out of his mind . "Well, it certainly helps when your son-in-law is Head of Magical Law Enforcement and owes you a huge favour." Arthur smiled to himself. "I hate to ask, Arthur, but what sort of favour?" Sid really didn't like to ask, but this was Harry Potter. The man had practically brought the Wizarding world back to existence by the scruff of the neck. His zero tolerance on crime meant that folk could walk around without fear'; his legendary status was growing. It was rumoured that he passed up the position of Minister of Magic three times, telling all he wanted more time with his family. To Harry Potter, family meant everything: all his staff had ample time off; he had department parties; morale-boosting weekends. It was no wonder people loved to work for him; it was also no wonder that all worked that extra bit harder. Arthur decided to tell Sid. "Well, he needed help, you see, on a big project." "What sort of project? Was it top secret?" "No, just a frog tank for his son's frog. Honestly, Sid, you should have seen it; the thing was huge – it was bigger then little Jamie's head." Both laughed at the sight of a six-year-old holding aloft such a huge frog. "So, he arranged this for me; we've been told to expect a warm welcome." Arthur tried to contain his excitement. * * * They pulled up at the gates, where two armed solders walked up to them. Arthur pressed the button for the window to go down; he was so enthralled in watching the window go down, he didn't notice the large automatic weapon pointing into the car. Arthur looked up and smiled. "Is that a firearm?" The guard smiled. "Arthur Weasley, I presume. We've been told to expect you, sir, please pull over and exit your car." After Arthur had pulled over and parked, both Arthur and Sid got out. Sid stood up and raised his hands in the air. "Don't shoot me, I'm unarmed." The look of terror was plain to see on Sid's face. The guard looked at Sid with a mixture of worry and bemusement. "There's no need for that, sir. Could you please show me your passes?" Arthur moved himself in front of Sid and the guard. Arthur rummaged through his pockets and pulled out two passes. Sid looked around and saw a huge German Shepard walking around and sniffing the car. "Checking for explosives, sir," the second guard explained at the look on Sid's face. Both men had to totally empty all their pockets; the guards failed to look at their wands, or chose not to notice them. "All seems fine, gentlemen. If you could just follow me, please?" Arthur and Sid walked over to the Land Rover and climbed inside. "Can our man drive your car, sir? Or do you wish to move it?" Arthur was totally taken back by the question. "Er, no, you can drive it; I haven't modified it yet." "Right you are then, sir. Please enjoy your visit." The guard saluted Arthur and Sid and walked over to Arthur's car; he then got inside and drove it off. The other guard turned around. "Now, gentlemen, we shall be now be going over to the commander's office; he will then tell you what you'll be doing, okay?" "Yes, please carry on." Arthur decided this was a good a time as any. "Do you mind if I narrate, while we're on the move?" "I'd rather you didn't, sir. Best leave it for the commander to grant permission first." "Right you are then, right you are." Arthur leaned back and looked over at Sid, who by all accounts was thinking the same thing. "What have we got ourselves into now?" * * * Once in the commander's office, the guards took their leave and left the room saluting. The commander looked at Arthur and Sid. "So, then, you're Ron's father then?" "Yes, sir." Arthur suddenly felt like he was back in Hogwarts. The commander smiled. "One of the best strategists I have ever seen – beat a whole squadron with just him and Harry – and five of my men," the commander hastily added. He then leaned back and rubbed his face. "Sweet Jesus! It was magnificent, best bit of magic I ever did see. Seven! Seven against fifty." The commander sat back and looked at the surprised faces of both Arthur and Sid, who looked at each other, and then at the commander. The commander chuckled at the looks of alarm on both their faces. "Don't worry, Arthur, old man. It's my job to know. Hell, some of our best men worked along side your lot. Mostly in a surveillance capacity, you'll understand." The commander smiled. "Well, mostly; we also used our best snipers, and some of our more captivating technology." The commander got up and started to pace along the office. "You really thought that we'd just sit back and watch you lot struggle? Nonsense! Once those bridges and giant attacks hit us non-magic folk, the Defence Minister told us that we were to help." The commander breathed a deep sigh. "Only the best, mind, and we were all sworn to secrecy. Not that anybody would have believed us anyway. They weren't smiling when a Cruise Missile landed on their base. I believe the inscription written on the thing was: 'To Scum! From us non-magic folk!' We then followed in and finished the rest of them, then got out and let your lot clean up the mess. Got myself and the boys an Order of Merlin 2nd class. Can't see the bloody thing, but it's here." The commander picked up a box and passed it to Arthur and Sid. "Wow! That's amazing, simply marvellous; I'm so grateful for all your help. It was close back then; nobody knew what happened to their hideout. Thank you." "Nonsense, Arthur! I did what had to be done. The Prime Minister himself came down – I've never seen him so angry – told me to get the boys and make them pay; we had to have special training, mind, had to get over that funny feeling we get when we get too close to one of your buildings." Arthur smiled. "I'll tell you one thingo though – my bills and folks back home never got so much attention." The commander started laughing. "We all got to the check point on our maps, and suddenly we all had to phone our mums, or pay a gas bill." The commander started to laugh really loud now. "Hell, one chap got so – well, emotional, he ran to base camp shouting out that he had certain 'Marital commitments,' to perform. But that could have been some excuse. His wife – see, well, newly-wed." Both Arthur and Sid made an 'Oh!' sound. And started to chuckle. Arthur shook his head and muttered, "Muggles, bless them." The commander carried on. "So, now we have a division just for this sort of thing. We regularly met up with Aurors and Special Forces, and then we all train together, ready for the next nutcase to show up. You use your talents, and we use ours." The commander smiled a wicked grin. "You'll hopefully be seeing most of that, as the lads are in training today. You have permission to narrate in certain areas, but I will have to sort through it all before I can release it. I hope you understand…security and all that." "Certainly, sir!" Arthur made an attempt at a salute, which basically involved waving his hands around. The commander gave a very deep loud laugh. "That's the spirit." He walked over to Arthur and Sid and placed an arm over both of their shoulders and grinned. "Now, lets get you kitted up." * * * As they got out of the Land Rover, they walked up to the storerooms; the commander had given them the places where they could narrate, and left them to it. Arthur stood tall and proud for some unknown reason. He then motioned for Sid to press record. "Well, listeners, this has been a morning. We have been signed in, searched and questioned, all within the space of thirty minutes. I would advise everybody not – I repeat, not! – to turn up uninvited! We are now outside the storeroom, ready to get kitted out. We will also met the sergeant, who will, in turn give us our kit." Both Arthur and Sid walked through the door, along with their guide. "Well, this is indeed a sight to behold. There is a counter with rows and rows of uniforms. I can't see any firearms; I wonder if I will get one?" Arthur was interrupted by a booming voice. "The day you get a firearm will be the day I leave the Armed Forces. You have to earn the right. I will not have the Queen's finest regiment mocked by some bunch of PONCES with a microphone. Now get over here, and get your kit!" "YES, SIR!" both Arthur and Sid shouted. "Hold out your arms!" Both men held them out; poor Sid was shaking. "Move along the line!" Both started to shuffle along, getting coats, shirts, trousers, jumpers and boots as they went along. Arthur couldn't stop thinking that the sergeant, was so huge, and stood so proud, that Arthur's strongest Stunner would just bounce off him, and would just be a minor inconvenience to him, and all he had to do was just swat it away, like some tiresome gnat. They got to the end of the line. "Well, boys, you have with you the Queen's finest uniform; I expect you to wear it proud, and do it the justice it deserves!" Both men nodded. Arthur spoke up into the microphone sheepishly. "Well, listeners, we now have our uniforms, we shall now go and get changed into them, and I shall see you in a minute." He nodded to Sid to press stop, and then looked at the sergeant, who smiled at them both. "That was fun! You don't think I was too loud, do you? I think I was projecting too much. Shall we do that again, just to make certain?" The sergeant looked at both Arthur and Sid expectantly. "NO!" Arthur and Sid shouted at the same time. They then both turned around and ran out of the storeroom, both banging into each other, both also trying to be the first out. "Was it something I said?" the sergeant mumbled to himself * * * Both changed silently, clearly unable to comprehend the sergeant. Arthur looked into the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to see that he looked splendid in his new uniform. The boots were so shiny, you could see you face in them; the creases were so sharp and straight, and all the colours were so green. Arthur felt that if he went into the forest, he wouldn't need a Disillusionment Charm. They both walked out feeling as though they were part of a team, a regiment. "Well, listeners, I'm all suited and booted, ready to start our tour. I have been told we will be going on a drilling exercising first." Arthur frowned for a bit. "I think it must be some form of maintenance on the buildings; that's right, they must need repairing, or other such building work. Oh, here he is now, let's ask, shall we?" Arthur held out his hand to shake; the Drill Sergeant looked at Arthur and puffed out his chest. The next moment, Arthur thought he had gone deaf. "RIGHT, YOU TWO, GET IN LINE AND MARCH TO THE SQUADRON, MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT." Arthur and Sid jumped around and bumped into each other, each trying to get into line. The Drill Sergeant carried on with his bellowing. "COME ON THERE, MOVE IT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT." Arthur and Sid managed to line up and follow the Drill Sergeant, who was still bellowing at the top of his lungs. "EYES FRONT, CHEST OUT, HEAD STRAIGHT, YOU'RE IN THE ARMY NOW, BOYS. YOU'RE MINE, ALL DAY. MOVE IT, MOVE IT." Sid looked at Arthur in a state of panic. Sid had to admit that this was fairly upsetting; he hated any kind of Military forces. The Aurors, frankly, scared him silly, even the Law Enforcers sent a shiver down his spine. Once more, he looked over at Arthur, and was shocked to see Arthur smiling. They got to Squadron and they were instructed to get into line. The Drill Sergeant walked along the line, looking for tiny imperfections. Once again, the Drill Sergeant opened his mouth, and – for a split second – Sid was sure he had had a permanent Sonorous Charm placed on him. "ATTENTION, EYES FRONT!" He looked around the lines, inspecting every one of them. He walked past Sid, who closed his eyes and held his breath. The next noise made him jump and fall onto the soldier behind him, who smiled and helped him up. "RIGHT, LADS, STAND AT EASE." There was a loud crunching sound as all the soldiers stamped their feet; to Sid, they all looked proud and motionless. "Hardly at ease," Sid thought. The Drill Sergeant spoke up, this time his voice was at the lesser end of a boom. "Right, lads, we have with us some guests. Two of Harry and Ron's lot. In fact, one of them is Ron's father, I'll give you two guesses which one." All the squadron laughed and started clapping. Arthur thought his chest would burst with pride; the Drill Sergeant thought so, too. "You have reason to be proud, sir. It was this squadron who fought alongside your lot." The sergeant smiled a kind of manic smile. "Right, lads, let's give them a tour they're never going to forget." ooOoo It was safe to say that Arthur was enjoying himself. He had finally got to see some firearms at work. "Well, Arthur, I'm about to show you the deadliest rifle that the Army have at their disposal." Arthur smiled and looked at Sid, who was looking a little green. The sergeant motioned over to a solider, who was carrying a rifle so big it was almost bigger than Sid. This did nothing to ease Sid's feelings. The sergeant looked over to Arthur. "Would you care to take a shot, Arthur?" "Yes, please! Can I really?" The solider lay the rifle down and motioned for Arthur to lie down behind it. Arthur lay down and got himself comfortable. The sergeant came down next to him; this time, however, his voice couldn't have been softer. "Now, Arthur, can you look into the sight? You may see something familiar." Arthur's curiosity was piqued; he closed his eye and was just about to look into it when he stopped – and he got his handkerchief out and wiped the outside of the eyepiece. It would seem that old habits die hard, especially if you live with the twins. He checked the hankie and, once satisfied that no dye or other such nasties were there, he finally looked into the sight. Arthur felt, rather than heard, the chuckle coming from beside him, for lined up was a row of pumpkins. Arthur was still looking into the sight. "Dare I ask, Sergeant?" The sergeant smiled. "They are the closest to the human head, with the size and mass. They will also give you a realistic picture of what happens when something gets shot." Arthur gulped. "I see." He looked up to see the row of pumpkins by his own eyesight and surprised to see nothing there. "I can't see them." "Well, that's because they're a half mile away." "Wow! That's far." "Yes, but it is only a fraction of this rifle's range. This bad boy can shoot accurately up to one mile away." Arthur looked shocked. "So, Arthur, to your target." Arthur motioned for Sid to press the record button. "Well, listeners, I'm about to fire my first firearm, or rifle, as it is more commonly known. I have to look into this sight, and I'm told that where I point the laser, the bullet will enter. So all I have to do is point the sight onto the target and squeeze the trigger." For some reason Arthur hesitated and breathed slowly; he held his breath, and then pulled the trigger. A huge bang sounded, but Arthur held firm, his eye was still on the target; he only removed himself after surveying the damage to the pumpkin. "Well, listeners, I must say that I'm slightly disturbed at what I have just witnessed. The target has been totally destroyed; I can only imagine what damage would occur if it was a human." Sid finally spoke up. "What's the point of this rifle, then? You would hear the bang and just step aside or Apparate away, right?" The sergeant chuckled. "Not really. You see, a bullet travels at twice the speed of sound. So you'd be dead before you ever heard it. At one mile, you would get shot at about a half of a second. You would hear it after one second. Now, Sid, are you that quick?" Sid looked visibly upset. "Are you ok, lad?" The sergeant looked Sid up and down. "Maybe you would feel better if you yourself held a weapon?" Sid took this as a challenge, and as any brave Hufflepuff will tell you. "If at first you don't succeed, just put the thing down and walk away, there's a good fellow. Now, let's all have a cup of tea." Well, that was the very saying that was swimming around Sid's head at this very time – being slightly related to the only son-in-law of the current Heir of Hufflepuff, Sid deemed himself a Badger through and through. Sid walked over to the solider holding the machine gun and smiled. The solider looked uncertain for a brief while, he then looked at his sergeant, who smiled and nodded his head. He checked that the safety was on, and he then passed it to Sid. Sid was at first worried about the weight, but as he adjusted himself, and got used to the weapon in his arms, he got a whole new feeling. A very strong and powerful feeling was coursing through Sid; he had a very good idea to go to his boss, demand that he give up his only daughter and, with her, his blessing for their courtship, half of his estate, oh, and a pay rise wouldn't go amiss as well. A slightly crooked smile played across Sid's face. Arthur at first thought it was the black pudding they had for breakfast trying to make reappearance, but then thought better of it. Sid didn't realise that he had released the safety switch on the weapon, until a very loud noise filled the air. Sid was aware that his arm was swinging around in a very erratic manner, and he also managed to distinguish 100 different swear words and references to his parentage before it all went dark. Arthur was watching Sid very closely. He was a very nice bloke, really, but a tad on the over-excitable side. Arthur noticed that Sid had moved a little switch on the side of the gun; it was this that probably saved the whole group, since Arthur managed to shout, "All of you get down!" before Sid emptied the whole magazine. Arthur rolled over and took aim with his wand. Arthur was surprised that, at one point, Sid was in the air. Arthur shouted, "Stupify." Sid promptly slumped to the floor. After fifteen minutes of cursing and very colourful language that had Arthur turning bright maroon; he had gone red after Stunning poor Sid. Everybody thanked Arthur and they all agreed to wake up Sid, who had the grace to look and feel very bad about the whole experience. Sid apologised so much that even the hardest solider felt sorry for him. "It's alright, sir, but if you do anything like that again, I'll get that bit if wood of yours and stick it –" "Jones! One more word from you and you'll be on head duty for a week!" "Yes, Sarge, right you are, Sarge." Jones walked off and got into line. "Right, lads, we're going on exercise now! Our mission is to get the flag. Right then, you lot, defend the flag." He divided the squadron in half. "And you lot have to rescue the flag." He walked up to a large crate and pulled out a gun. "We shall be using paint-balls today, as the lasers don't seem to work on your lot." The sergeant smiled as Arthur tried to look surprised. Sid was given his own gun. "So you just pull this –"A sharp sound of air being released and someone crying out in pain was all the sound Sid heard. He turned to see the sergeant's forehead covered in pink paint. Most of the squadron muffled their laughter by checking that their own guns were ready. The sergeant walked up to Sid, wiping his brow. "As I have said, it's safer this way, without any stray bullets going –" He was stopped once more by a second shot. "Sorry, that was me this time." Arthur had his hand up meekly. "I'm sure it will dry, just don't sit on anything expensive." This time a couple of squaddies did laugh out loud. "Think it's funny, do you, Smith and Jones? Get 'ere now! MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT." Both Smith and Jones walked over briskly to the Sergeant. "Right then, you think it's funny, do you?" "No, Sarge!" both shouted out. "'Cause if you do, I'll have to –" The sergeant was once more interrupted by a third shot; this time, however, nothing happened – yet. He turned around to see Sid placing his gun on the floor. The sergeant was just about to start shouting again when everybody found out what had happened to the paint ball. The commander himself said, "It was a fine shot to take, the perfect trajectory, the allowance of air speed, even taking into account the movement in the leaves of the trees. Well, it was either that, or one jammy sod." This did nothing to appease the sergeant, who was now getting his head mopped off with a handkerchief by Sid, who by all accounts looked very sorry. "Right, you three – Sid, Smith and Jones – are to defend the flag. The rest of us are going to rescue it." The sergeant had a gleam in his eyes that had Sid kind of worried The three walked off to the make-shift base to make ready for the coming onslaught; both Smith and Jones mumbling about an unfair advantage and having the only wizard that was a hindrance more than a help. Sid was following behind in what could only be described as a strop. He had tried to make amends, but instead managed to shoot one of them in the backside. Arthur was really beginning to enjoy himself; he hadn't had this much fun since he and his kids went frogging in the pond back home. He had to admit that the uniform effectively hid all from unfriendly eyes. All but the sergeant, who had a pink forehead and brow and a yellow bottom, but if he stood still for long enough, he could be mistaken for a rather fetching petunia bush. They silently made their way to the base camp of the opposition, whilst flanking both sides. The threesome were trying to fortify the base. The sergeant moved his hand up and clenched his fist. Arthur, at first, thought he was making a rather rude hand sign until he noticed that two soldiers went around to the sides; he did this once more and Arthur realised that he really was now making a rude hand sign. Arthur noticed Sid sitting down and looking rather sullen. Arthur looked down and checked his weapon; to say he was slightly surprised when it went off would be an understatement. To Arthur's horror, he then heard Sid shout out and clutch his forehead. "You said it wouldn't hurt!" Sid cried out. The sergeant laughed out loud. "Nice one, Arthur. Now, let's get that flag." The sergeant ran forward, spraying pellets as he ran. Poor Sid got hit by the cross-fire as well as a few stray ones from Smith and Jones. After all was done, Sid stood there looking rather moody and sullen, which was a shame because his clothing resembled something akin to an extra on "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." After this particular episode, Sid mysteriously lost all his enthusiasm for all things military. ooOOoo After a hearty meal in the mess room, it was time to meet the Armed Vehicles Division. Arthur looked in awe at the magnificent tank standing tall and proud next to him. They had been handed over to another officer who, in turn, would show them around and carry on with their tour. The first impression Arthur had of the officer had Arthur chuckling. His hair seemed to be at odds with itself, his voice was at the finer end of plumy, his demeanour was of a person who really didn't want to be here, but had no real say in the matter. "Arthur, old man, how the devil are you? What say you –after all this lot, we go to the mess hall for a few stiff ones, what?" The commander smiled at Arthur. "Er, okay then." Arthur looked at Sid. "Good man, good man! Now, let's show you this little filly, all forty-five tonnes of her!" "Wow, she's a beauty." "Yes, Ethel we call her. Now if you'd just like to climb inside, we can start the tour." Arthur managed to climb up and get inside the turret. "It's a bit cramped, isn't it?" "Well, what did you expect, The Ritz? My dear boy, it's a fighting machine. Not some MG Midget you use to impress the ladies with." Arthur smiled. "So, how do we shoot the gun then?" "Steady on, old boy! I need to see if you can drive her first." "You mea,n I get to drive this thing?" Arthur looked over to Sid, who was holding his head in his hands and rocking back and forth. Arthur was certain he saw a few tears as well. "Certainly, old man! Just sit down in the driver's seat and I'll show you how." Arthur scrambled out of the turret and got into the driver's seat. All that could be seen was the top of Arthur's head. The commander came down. "So, Arthur, old bean, see those handles there?" "Yes, I see them." "Well, you push them forward to go forward, you pull them back to stop or go backwards, you pull the left one forward and the right one back to turn left, and so on, got it?" Arthur was mentally making notes and just by habit replied, "Yes, dear." This was not the response the commander wanted to hear, but he just put it down to Arthur's excitement. "Now, turn the key, and we'll be off; I'll be talking in this microphone here, and you can hear me with this helmet, here." The commander thumped the helmet down on to Arthur's head. "Why would I need to wear this thing?" Arthur thought to himself; he was even more surprised when he could hear the commander's voice crystal clear. "Now then, Arthur, start her up." Arthur smiled and turned the key; he also pressed the record button on his recorder. The engine roared into life, shaking the tank. The seat in which Arthur was sitting in wasn't the most comfortable, and in a very short time, Arthur's backside was very numb. "Now, Arthur, push the leavers forward, just a bit, mind, she's quite responsive." Arthur pushed and the tank lurched forward. "Push forward, there's a good fellow." Arthur pushed forward a tad more and grinned when it went faster. "Well, listeners, this is a first, I have been told we are going on an obstacle course, whatever that is." "Stop talking, Arthur, you have to concentrate!" the commander bellowed. "Yes, sir!" Arthur whispered. "Well, listeners, I shall just leave the mic on and capture the journey for your pleasure." Arthur was told to make a hard right. Arthur pulled the wrong one and went hard left. "Not left! Right, turn right! Roger and out." "I'm Arthur, not Roger." "I know that, man! Just turn right!" "Right! Right you are, then" Arthur pulled with all his might and the tank lurched to the right, banging Arthur's head into the side. "So that's why we wear these things, then." "Stop jabbering, Arthur, and drive!" "Yes, sir!" "No! It's Roger!" "Yes, Roger, right it is." "No! You say, 'Roger and out'!" "Out, where? Are we finished?" "Just say, 'Roger and out' after I tell you to do something!" "Oh, okay, then" "No, Roger!" "No, I'm Arthur." "Just say, 'Roger and out'!" "Oh, I see, Roger and out." Arthur could tell it was going to be one of those days. "Thank the Lord," the commander mumbled. "Amen!" "What?" "You said, thank the Lord and I said..." "I know what you said. Look – never mind, just push forward. Roger." "Roger and out!" Arthur smiled and pushed ahead. ooOOoo After a short time, in which Arthur missed a fence, a rock, a huge puddle and finally Sid, Arthur saw a sign that pointed to the course. "Are we going in there, Roger?" "Yes, Arthur, now turn left, Roger and out." The tank spun around, just missing a tree; Arthur could have sworn he saw a Mickle Sodbury Chuff Clinger make a rather rude hand gesture. It was either that or a squirrel collecting nuts for the winter. Arthur also saw the hill they were about to climb. "We're going up that?" Arthur spluttered. "Yes, old bean, just push forward, she'll do it." The commander's voice did nothing to ease Arthur's feelings. "I'll bloody fall out if we crash, you mean," Arthur thought to himself. Not for the first time did Arthur think that this was a bad idea. Arthur pushed the levers with all his might, making the engine roar out in protest. The tank slowed down once it hit the hill, but carried on upwards regardless. "My word, she's doing it, hey, Roger, she's doing it!" "Who's Roger?" "I thought you were called...?" "Never mind that, pull back slowly." Arthur did as he was told and the tank stopped on top of the hill, balancing and rocking back and forth. "Now, Arthur, I'm going to move the turret around, so we can descend this hill. We will then go for it, okay?" "Er – okay, then, you do know there's a lake there, right?" "Yes, old man, and guess what?" "What?" "We're going through it." "Oh dear, I might get wet." "No, Arthur, you will get wet." Arthur gulped. "Oh. Well, then, here goes." Arthur pushed forward and summoned all his Gryffindor courage. The tank surged forward, gaining momentum."Push forward, old man, go for it." Arthur held his breath as the tank hit the water. The sudden deceleration caught Arthur completely by surprise, and as the tank entered the water, Arthur opened his mouth. All the water came over the top and into Arthur's cabin, as Arthur spluttered and coughed. The tank, however, kept its course with apparent ease, which couldn't be said about Arthur. "I think I've got my sandwiches wet – they were chicken and ham as well. I like –" Arthur was cut off by something moving down below. "What in the name of – EELS! EELS! I don't like eels; get it out, now!" In Arthur's haste to remove the eels, his elbows were banging into the controls, sending the tank into a very erratic, zigzag pattern. The tank headed off in its own direction. Arthur managed to grab one of the eels and launch it out of the cabin, and it landed in the commander's lap; the roar of the engine was easily drowned out by Arthur and the commander. "I don't like eels." "Shut up, man!" "Get out of here, you slimey –!" "Grab the controls, man!" "That's one gone." "ERR! Get this eel off me! I'm a commander, not a bloody fisherman!" "I've found a fish in here." "Please, Arthur, grab the controls!" "Okay, Roger, will do. I've got wet feet, though." "What's that got to do with it?" "I just thought you'd need to know." "Nonsense, I've got a slimey –" "Well, I could get trench foot." "Trench foot, my ar – Tree! Tree! Tree!" "Oh my! :eft, left, left! Right, Roger!" "No, left, you daft buffoon!" The tank lurched left and just missed the huge oak tree; unfortunately, they didn't miss the Security Barracks. A thunderous crash and a crunching of metal and wood was all that was heard. The tank was still surging forward, until Arthur managed to get hold of both handles and pull back with all his might. The gap that was left between the tank and Arthur's new car was minimal. Arthur was willing to wager that a Snorkel-Haired Whistle-Warbler would have trouble getting through that, and they can shrink to the size of a gnat. But under the present circumstances, Arthur didn't really wish to press the issue. "In all my time as a commander, I have never had –" The commander's eyes suddenly went very glazed. "This did not happen; we had a very delightful drive around the course. You shall show now me how the tank is really driven." Arthur dropped his wand and released the Obliviating Charm; he then dried himself out. "Well, listeners, let this be a lesson to you all: with a few charms, the hut is as good as new. Well, almost, maybe they can do some drilling on it?" Arthur turned around to the commander, who was shaking his head. "Well, Commander, let's get going, shall we?" "Yes, old man, splendid." The journey back was almost incident free. In fact, Arthur was hard pressed to admit that if they placed live ammo in a tank, and placed a wizard inside, with all the buttons and dials – which, it has to be said – are all flashing and making beeping noises... well, it was bound to happen. Still, with a well-placed charm or two, the commander himself said it was a fine shot to take. The precise trajectory, the consideration of the movement of the tank, the allowance of the eel that was still in the turret. "Still, I never did like that MG Midget," the commander was heard mumbling to himself as he walked off to the Mess Hall. ooOoo Arthur composed himself and looked at Sid, who nodded and pressed the record button. "Well, listeners, that is all for now; tune in next week to see all about Muggle Medicine on 'How do they do that?'" Arthur motioned to Sid to stop the recording. "Well, what a day, Sid. Do you want a lift?" "No, thanks, Arthur. I'll just get this over to the office; see you." With that, Sid Apparated away. Arthur drove home, feeling very tired and hungry. He got home just as Molly was getting ready for her bath. "Hello, dear; my, don't you look handsome. I've got some food for you on the table, just come up when you're finished. Oh, and Arthur – bring the uniform with you, as well." With a playful wink, Molly went upstairs. Arthur chuckled to himself. Apparently the old saying was true: A lady loves a man in uniform. Authors Note: Please read and review; it really is our only payment. Also, I'd like to say that the thing with Sid and the gun really did happen. Only it was a vicar – apparently, he walked off after the incident, blessing all the squadron, totally oblivious to all the brash language, LOL.
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