Jane was having that dream again. It was dark but there was a wet sickly green light suffusing the room. Was it a room or a cave? Jane couldn't tell. She was lying on the ground, paralyzed. She felt drained, as if something were pulling her life from her. There was the boy, sitting in a corner, a pointed hat covering his face. He was in a bad way, she could sense that. She wanted to help him, but couldn't. She knew that he was in danger and that it was her fault, but the why eluded her. Something huge blocked her vision, something terrible, but she didn't know what it was. It was after the boy! Suddenly, she heard the thing growl in pain, and the boy screamed. He was hurt. The thing had done something to him and he was dying and it was all because of her! Jane woke with a start.
She tried to grasp the memory. The images faded too quickly. All she could remember was a green glow and the sounds of a boy in pain. Why, why couldn't she remember? If she could only hold on to those images she was sure they would bring it all back. She never could though. Even under hypnosis in the therapist's office, the memory would never surface.
Over the last two years she had learned how to relax after having this dream and get back to sleep. She began the mental exercises and within minutes sleep returned. Random images flashed in her mind. Images of the last 4 years. Then her dream turned to Remus. She was in his arms. They were lying in her bed. He was kissing her. His lips were caressing her neck, then they moved lower. She felt his tongue lick the valley between her breasts. She opened her eyes. She expected to see his sandy hair. But no, the hair she saw was the color of a raven's wings. Harry? She gasped as his tongue flicked her sensitive skin. Then he raised his head to stare into her eyes. This wasn't Harry. There was no lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. Those weren't Harry's green eyes. They were red, snake-like and glowing. Tom! Jane screamed.
Everyone had come running. They were all gathered around her bed. Molly was holding her tight and rocking her back and forth. Sobs were wracking her body. She was trembling. Molly's soothing voice was calming her.
"Shush, Ginny. It was a dream, just a dream. You're here, in the Burrow. In your room. Everyone's here for you now. Shush." And as Molly gently rocked her Jane began to calm. The sobbing stopped. Jane clung to Molly. Slowly, the trembling eased. "Are you all right now, dear?" Jane nodded. "Do you want to tell me what frightened you so?" She tried to remember. It was fading rapidly. There was Harry- no, it wasn't him. She tried to remember the name, but couldn't. He had looked up at her. All she could remember was...
"Red eyes!" she whispered in horror. "Just these awful staring red eyes. So evil, so terrifying." Nervous glanced darted about the room. They all knew whom she had dreamt of. No one could bring themselves to say his name. Jane looked at them.
"You know! You know whom I dreamt of. Tell me, please." Molly hugged her a little tighter.
"In the morning, Ginny," she said. "Now isn't the time for those tales to be told. Try and get some sleep, dear. If you want me to, I'll stay until you fall asleep." Jane was grateful for the offer. Molly tucked the blankets tightly about her. Everyone left. Molly blew out the candle and held Jane in her arms until she fell asleep.
******
Remus had returned to Grimmauld Place first after feasting on Molly's excellent Christmas dinner. The family had gathered, once again, in the parlor. Fred and George had taken charge of the reminiscences. Everyone was laughing. They had pulled Harry into the middle of the stories and Remus saw how happy that had made Harry. He pulled Arthur away and gave his thanks but he was tired and wanted to get home. Arthur urged him to stay, but Remus was insistent, so Arthur bid him good night. Remus put on his cloak and walked outside. He didn't want the sound of his Disapparating to disturb the family.
"Remus, wait!" Jane called. He turned to her. "You didn't say good bye."
"I didn't want to pull you away. I'll be back in a few days. I have to take care of something first. You need time with them." She followed him outside.
"I need time with you, too."
"I know. We need to talk. But right now those people inside are more important. You need to get to know them, Jane. They can help you find yourself, if you let them."
"You're right. But couldn't you at least have said good night?"
"Of course." He walked up to her. "Good night, Jane."
"Good night, Remus." He stroked her cheek.
"I should go."
"Yes." The stars were sparkling in her eyes. He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. She turned and went back in.
"Damn," he whispered and Disapparated.
He had fallen asleep in his favorite chair, a cup of tea at his side, a book in his lap. Harry watched him sleep. They needed to talk.
"Remus." Slowly he opened his eyes. Harry was sitting across from him.
"Harry, what time is it?"
"Just gone 11. Are you okay? You look exhausted. You've got another week to go, before you need the potion again, don't you? You don't have to leave yet?"
"I'm fine. And no, I'll need to leave tomorrow."
"Okay. Where will you go? The shack?"
"Yes." Silence. Awkward silence. Neither of them knew how to start this conversation. It dragged out. Harry ran his hand through his hair. Oh, hell, he thought.
"She loves you." More silence.
"I didn't plan it, you know."
"I know." They both stared into the fire. "Do you love her?"
"What do you want me to say, Harry? That I love her beyond reason? That I don't? I don't want to hurt you."
"All I want is the truth, even if it hurts. We have to deal with this."
"I know we do. I just don't want to loose you, Harry. You're the closest thing to a family I've had in years. I've finally been happy. I haven't been happy since James and Lily died. I can't loose this."
"I don't want to loose this either, Remus. But I need to know."
Remus sighed.
"You have to know, I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought this would happen. But somehow, it did. Somewhere along the way Jane entered my heart. I never knew she had. I thought it was just my happiness with bringing Ginny back to you."
"You stayed with her last night."
"Yes."
"Did you make love to her?"
"No." More silence. "We nearly did. But I couldn't."
Harry didn't know what to say. Neither did Remus. They just sat there, pain in each of their hearts.
"She's a wonderful girl - Jane, I mean," Harry finally said.
"She is."
"She's not Ginny."
"Yes, she is, Harry. Ginny's there somewhere."
"Not the Ginny I know. That girl's gone. She died 4 years ago and she's never coming back. I know that now. Even if her memories return, she won't be my Ginny."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, I do. Too much time has passed. You can't live in the past. I found that out a long time ago. Life pushes you forward. You have to move on, otherwise you'll miss something good, something wonderful."
"What are you saying, Harry?" Harry turned to Remus.
"I'm saying, be happy, Remus. If Jane makes you happy then be with her. I won't lie to you and say it doesn't hurt. It hurts like hell. But I'll live. And I'll move on. I have to. So do you. If you love her, tell her and to hell with everything else."
"It's not that easy, Harry."
"Easy? This is not easy, Remus."
"What do I do when she finds out what I am?"
"If she loves you, as much as I think she does, then you'll find a way to work things out."
******
The tales the family told her about Voldemort horrified Jane. The things he had done. The people he had murdered. The horror Harry had lived with. She had to know. Her sleep had been fitful but Voldemort's eyes haunted her dreams for the rest of the night. She still couldn't remember exactly what her dreams had been but now she knew what had prompted them.
Arthur had been the one to tell her about the Chamber of Secrets. How she had been slipped the diary by Lucius Malfoy. How the enchanted diary had taken her over and the horrible things she had done under the influence of Tom Riddle.
Tom Riddle. That was the name she had called out in her dream. Jane's eyes glazed over. They had all gathered in the kitchen. No one could really eat. They had been telling her about Voldemort over coffee and biscuits. Fred tried to say something but Arthur raised his hand to quiet him.
"Let her be, Fred," he chided. "She might remember something."
Jane was concentrating. Sweat had broken out on her forehead. She saw the Chamber, she shuddered. It was very disjointed. Her memory flashed. She saw herself writing on a corridor wall, her hand dripping with blood. Then there were figures laying on the floor, a small blond boy clutching a camera. A tall dark haired boy lying on the cold stone, two girls lying frozen, one with a mirror, the other with bushy brown hair.
"Hermione!" The images were gone. She looked at the woman sitting across from her. "How could I have done that to you?"
"You remember?" Hermione said.
"Not all of it. I just know I did something awful to you."
"It wasn't you, Ginny. It was Tom Riddle; he had possessed your mind. You couldn't fight it. No one ever blamed you."
"But how could I have let him?"
It was Molly who answered that.
"You were lonely, dear."
"Lonely? In a family like this?"
"Yes, dear. I'm afraid that was my fault. I should have been more aware of things, spent more time with you. I just let other things get in the way."
"Please, don't blame yourself. It's understandable. I face the same dilemma with my students. There just aren't enough hours in a day to give them all the attention they need." It felt a bit funny, comforting this woman. Molly smiled at her.
"Do you remember anything else?" Arthur asked gently. Jane tried, but the moment had gone. She shook her head. "It's all right, Ginny. It's a start." He smiled at her. She smiled back, fervently wishing to remember this man, thinking how lucky she had been to have him for a father. If only she could remember more.
It was Harry's arrival that broke up the gathering. He came in the kitchen door, stomping his feet to get the snow off his shoes.
"Morning everyone," he looked around. "I've not interrupted anything have I?"
"Ginny's remembered something," Ron said. Harry stopped dead.
"It isn't much," Jane said as she saw the hopeful look on Harry's face. "A few things from when I was 11." The hopeful look disappeared. His brow furrowed.
"The Chamber," he whispered.
"Harry," Arthur said. "Why don't you take Ginny into the parlor? You can tell her about it. You, more than any of us, can tell her what went on. That is if Ginny doesn't object."
"Please," she said to Harry. "I need to know." She didn't think Harry wanted to talk about it. Clearly, these were painful memories for him.
"Okay," he said, a little reluctantly. "If you're sure."
They spent most of the morning talking quietly. Harry told her everything. How everyone thought he was the heir of Slytherin. How only the Weasleys and Hermione had stood by him. The isolation he felt. The pain when Hermione had been petrified. His frustration when he and Ron had found out she was taken to the chamber. Then their rescue attempt.
There was so much pain in his voice when he talked about Tom Riddle. Jane reached out to cover his hand with her own. He had clenched them into fists, white knuckled.
"I'm all right, Jane," he said quietly. "Can you remember any of this?"
"Not all, just those few images. It's as if something has dammed a river and nothing can get past it. But that dam is cracking, there are memories leaking out." She looked up at him. "Did I ever thank you? For saving my life, I mean."
"Eventually, yes," he said. "But it took a long time. It was a few years before you could even talk about it." Jane sat back.
"I think I've heard enough for now." They didn't look at each other. They were too absorbed in their own thoughts.
"When will Remus be back?" she asked.
"In a few days," he said. There was something in his voice. Was Remus ill? He had looked a bit gray last night.
"Is he all right?" she asked, worry tingeing her voice. "He's not ill again?" Harry didn't answer. "He is, isn't he? Mr. Potter, where is he? I have to go to him." Harry couldn't say anything. This had to come from Remus. "Where is he? Is he in hospital?" Harry shook his head.
"You know where he is, I know you do. Tell me, I have to go to him."
"I can't tell you, Jane."
"Why?"
"Look, it's not as bad as you think." Jane pursed her lips. "Remus has - episodes, that's all I can say. He's had them for years. He knows how to take care of things."
"What is it?"
"It's not my place to tell you. Only Remus can do that. He'll be back soon. I'm sure he'll tell you then."
"Tell her what?" Ron said sauntering in. "Who's got to tell Ginny what?"
"Nothing, Ron." Jane watched the two of them. Harry was definitely trying to tell Ron something. She had to know.
"Remus, he's gone away," she said. "Mr. Potter won't tell me where." Ron's eyebrows disappeared into his fringe. He knows something. "You know, don't you?" She used her best teacher authoritarian tone on him. "I think someone should tell me." Try as she might, no one would. It was clear to her that everyone here knew what was happening. She was growing angrier as the day wore on. They all wanted her to get her memory back. Remus had been a part of her life before. She must have known about this. Her head ached from the effort to remember, but nothing came to her. They were all so eager to tell her things about her past, but when it came to Remus, they all were as tight-lipped as clams.
"Fine, fine then," she said half way through dinner. She slammed her fork down on the table. Everyone jumped. "It's obvious you don't trust me." She got up and ran to her room, slamming the door. Hermione rose from the table
"I'll go talk to her."
"You can't tell her," Harry said.
"I know that, Harry," she snapped back.
Hermione knocked on the door. There was no answer. She walked in. Jane was standing by the window.
"Ginny, can we talk?"
"Don't call me that. It's obvious you all think I can't be trusted. I can't be a part of this family, if you can't trust me. Don't call me Ginny." Hermione sighed.
"It's not that we don't trust you."
"Then what is it? Why won't anyone tell me? It's serious, isn't it? It's something awful. Please, Hermione, I need to know."
"Why, Gin...Jane? Why is this so important that you can't wait for Remus?" She could tell that Jane was contemplating her answer. Trying to decide if she shouldn't say just for spite. "You used to tell me everything. I never judged you. I was always there to listen." Jane lowered her eyes. Hermione could see the anger leave her.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I care what happens to him. He's the one who brought me back to all of you."
"That's not the entire truth, is it?" Hermione wasn't sure she wanted to hear this. She did so want things to return to how they were. Had she been fooling herself?
"I - I love him," she stammered. "I know you don't want to hear that. None of you do. You all want me to go back to loving Harry Potter, back to being who I was before. I wish that could happen, but it can't. And as soon as you all realize that, then I think that we may be able to make some progress."
"You're right, of course. It's just that we all love you. It's like losing you all over again, if you can't be who you were. It's just such a strange situation and none of us know how to react." Jane walked over to Hermione. They looked at each other.
"I want us to be friends again, Hermione. Can we do that?"
"Yes, Gin..." she paused. Jane smiled.
"Ginny is fine." They hugged, and then sat on the bed.
"I'll accept the fact that you can't tell me about Remus. But can you at least tell me if he'll be all right?"
"That I can do. He will be fine. You'll see. Trust me." Jane nodded. "Now tell me how you fell in love with him."
*******
She had been grading papers when the knock came. She silently thanked whoever it was. Lately she had been growing restless. Wanting to move on, but where to go? Answer the door first.
The man at the door seemed strangely familiar. She had never met him before, or had she?
"Ms. Wilson? My name is Lupin, Remus Lupin." She was staring at him. He was dressed conservatively. His sandy hair streaked with gray. He looked a little ill. It was his eyes that intrigued her. When she had opened the door, they had widened in surprise, and now she saw happiness in their hazel depths. "Ms. Wilson?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Lupin, is it?" she paused. She knew him. How could that be? "Excuse me, but do I know you?"
"Yes you do, Ms. Wilson. That's why I'm here. I know who you are." She swayed and fell into his arms. He grabbed her and brought her into the house. He found her sitting room and set her on the sofa.
"Do you have any brandy? Any spirits at all?" She nodded and pointed to a small side table. Remus poured her a drink.
"Thank you," she said and took a small sip. "I'm terribly sorry. You know me? You know who I really am? How did you find me?"
"How I found you can come later, when you're ready to hear that."
"Who am I?"
"Your name is Ginevra Weasley." He waited to see if the name meant anything to her. There was no recognition. "You come from a small village south of London. Ottery St. Catchpole. You have a wonderful family who has missed you very much. If you want to, I can take you to them."
She didn't know what to do. She wanted to believe him. For four long years she wondered if there was someone, anyone who missed her. Why had it taken so long to find her?
Well, there were special circumstances that presented some problems. It would take some explaining and he had wanted to introduce the subject gradually. Jane had agreed. It was a shock, and she felt she should take it slowly.
Mr. Lupin was kind and thoughtful. He had told her about her family. She couldn't believe she came from such a large family. Did he have any photographs? He would bring some with him the next day. She wouldn't keep him any longer. They had talked late into the night. He began to look quite ill. He said he was fine and bid her good night. She could hardly sleep that night. How she managed to, was amazing.
He had arrived in the afternoon, after school the next day. He carried a photo album. They settled in the drawing room. Anticipation flooded her veins.
"This will be a bit of a shock. Please, keep an open mind." He handed her the album. She took a deep breath and opened it.
Her first impression was how wonderful they all looked. All that red hair. All those smiling faces. They were laughing and waving at her. Waving? They were moving! She shut the album and looked at Remus. He was smiling at her. He motioned her to open it again. She picked a page at random and opened it again.
It was a group of children, two with red hair, one brown haired girl and a raven-haired boy. They too, were laughing, they waved up at her. She was too fascinated to close the book. She just stared. The red haired girl must be her. She saw that face in her mirror every morning. She must be 13. The boy next to her must be one of her brothers. She didn't recognize the others. The girl was charming. She smiled shyly. She must be a little self-conscious about her teeth; Jane noticed the front two were a little large. It was the boy who intrigued her. It was his vivid green eyes. His glasses magnified them slightly and they sparkled. They were all dressed in school robes, a little old-fashioned.
"Is this really me? How do the pictures move like that? Is this one of my brothers? Who are the other two?" The questions tumbled out of her.
"Yes, that's you with your brother, Ron and his two best friends, Hermione and Harry."
"But how do these pictures move? Is this some new technology?" Remus didn't answer right away. "Mr. Lupin?"
"You, Ms. Wilson, are a witch." She stared at him. Did she hear him correctly? "You come from a very old, distinguished family of witches and wizards." She slammed the album closed. She let it fall from her lap as she stood up.
"OUT! Get out of my house now! How dare you! I don't know how you could take advantage of me. I don't know what you want. If it's money you're after, you've come to the wrong place." Remus tried to tell her, but she refused to listen. She went to the telephone. "If you don't leave, right now, I shall call the police." With a sigh, he left. Jane collapsed into a chair sobbing.
He had left the album. At first she left it on the floor. She wouldn't go near it. But it wouldn't be ignored. She picked it up and went into the kitchen. With a cup of tea at her elbow, she opened the album again. This was her family, but no one she recognized. She was there in many of the pictures. She was so happy. This must be the truth. And if these were genuine, then she really was a... she couldn't say it.
She grabbed her coat and went to find him. He said he was staying at the inn. The clerk told her he had checked out that afternoon, but he had reserved another for next Tuesday. Would she like to leave a message? Jane grabbed paper and pen.
I believe in magic.
The wait was so long. She couldn't concentrate very well. She didn't know how she got through those days. Every night she would sit in her bed and look through the album. She had to meet these people. But how could she?
He was waiting for her outside the school on Tuesday afternoon. He looked awful. There were lines of stress about his eyes. He was very pale. His shoulders were slumped with weariness.
"Mr. Lupin, are you all right?"
"Ms. Wilson, yes, I'm fine. Just a bit tired. I got your note." His knees buckled and he nearly fell. She was at his side immediately. She took him to her car.
"You're not fine. Have you eaten anything? I think not. You're coming home with me." She managed to get him into the house, before he collapsed on her sofa.
"You shouldn't have come. I could have waited until you were well." He smiled weakly at her.
"Your family needs to see you, to know you're alive. This can't wait."
"They've waited four years. What are a few more days? I'm not going anywhere until I know you're well. I'll get you the phone. You can call them."
"I can't actually."
"Why?"
"First of all, that's not how we wizards communicate. Secondly, they don't know you're alive. I thought it best not to tell them yet. I really wasn't sure it was you. If it was you, would you want to meet them?"
"I'm not going anywhere until you're well. Shall I get a doctor?"
"No," he said a little bit of an edge to his voice.
******
"So, I nursed him back to health. We talked. He told me all about the Wizarding World, about my life. He was so quiet and caring. He made me laugh. There was never any pressure. He let me take my time.
"We decided to wait for my holiday break to come here. It would give me time to get to know everyone. Perhaps I could remember everything if I spent some time here.
"When we left to come here, I knew I couldn't go on without him."
Part of the reason that Jane fell in love with Remus is the fact that he found her. That has been documented in cases of true amnesia. But part of the reason Jane loves Remus is that they are kindred souls. You will see later.
There are reasons that I have things the way they are. Wait till you get to the rest of the story. I do hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it.