The two professors sat opposite each other, contemplating the chessboard on the table between them. A tea service had been placed nearby on a rolling cart, replete with finger sandwiches and baked goods. Severus Snape sniffed disdainfully at the sweets and poured himself a cup of tea as he awaited his opponent's next move.
Albus Dumbledore smiled bemusedly at the white pieces spread before him, many of which were boisterously calling conflicting instructions to him. His queen, however, had folded her arms across her ample bosom and was tapping her foot impatiently. When Dumbledore ignored her, she threw her arms up and began patting her head with her hands.
"What was that? Yes, yes, I believe it was yet another grey hair springing up from my head," she complained sarcastically.
Dumbledore showed no reaction other than a slight twinkling in his eyes. He folded his hands and steepled his index fingers against his mouth. Finally, the queen stamped her foot in exasperation and pointed at one of the black pieces across the board. "Checkmate in two moves, you barmy old coot! Can we get on with it, please, before arthritis sets in and I'm forced to hobble across the board with a cane?"
"Very well, my dear, if you insist."
Dumbledore tapped the impatient piece with his wand. She gathered her skirts in one hand and marched haughtily towards one of Snape's quivering pawns. With a gleam in her eye, she produced a broadsword from the folds of her petticoats; then, with a mighty heave, she cleaved the unfortunate pawn in two. Her bloodlust quenched for the moment, the queen replaced the sword, then viciously kicked the cloven pieces off the board. Finally, she turned and pointed audaciously at Snape's king, who had been watching the exchange with an air of boredom, just a few spaces out of reach.
"You're mine," she promised. "I've been waiting for this a long time."
"Yes, I'll bet you have," the king wisecracked.
He nodded at a bishop standing unobtrusively to one side of a pawn. Before the queen could react, the bishop slid up to the queen and skewered her.
"Aiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she screamed; then she fell to the board and lay still.
"Dear me, Severus. I fear you have me at a disadvantage," Dumbledore said in an airy manner.
"So it would seem," Snape agreed. "Really, Albus, you could have warned her."
"I've discovered that it's often best to let a woman have her way," Dumbledore replied. "Particularly a shrill, harridan of a woman."
"Indeed," Snape replied. After taking a sip of tea, he abruptly changed the subject. "Are you pleased with the outcome of the Potions midterm examinations?"
"Most pleased. Thank you for your assistance in the matter, Severus."
"I still think it would have been best not to interfere,” Snape said icily as he set his cup and saucer down with a clatter.
"Ordinarily I would agree with you, Severus,” Dumbledore acknowledged placidly. “But I don't believe we were interfering in this matter...simply applying a catalyst in order to hasten a process that had already been set into motion."
"I don't claim to understand how the resolution of the angst-ridden desires of Miss Weasley and Mr. Potter can be expected to affect the outcome of the final battle one way or the other," Snape mused drily.
"If you don't yet understand, Severus, I'm afraid I have little hope of explaining it to you." Dumbledore looked up, a question apparent in his eyes. "By the way, how did you ensure that Mr. Potter would be the one to draw Imitor Ardoris for his midterm?"
Snape appeared uncomfortable. "I charmed the slips of paper. Imitor Ardoris was the only one he would have been able to grasp."
"Stooping to foolish wand-waving and incantations? How quaint. And how did you manage to have Miss Weasley ingest the potion?"
"If she hadn't already drunk the brew, I simply would have commanded her to be his test subject when they arrived at my office. Not surprisingly, Potter managed that through his own ineptitude," Professor Snape said with his usual sneer.
"Ah. How fortuitous." Dumbledore stroked his beard as he carefully considered his next move. "By the way, Severus, I wonder if you can help solve a mystery for me."
"What mystery would that be, headmaster?"
"One of the house elves, Winky, seems to have become rather attached to Mr. Potter as of late. Dobby tells me she's quite smitten. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" Professor Dumbledore asked innocently before selecting a sherbet lemon from a dish on the tray.
Snape's eyes grew large, but he managed to respond as if the question hadn't affected him in the least.
"No, headmaster. I can't imagine what might have gotten into her."
"It's very strange. Dobby seems to think she began acting strangely after consuming a bottle of snozzberry butterbeer. I didn't even know they made snozzberry flavored butterbeer. I'll have to give it a try next time I'm in the Three Broomsticks."
Dumbledore touched another piece with his wand, and as it scurried forward to do his bidding, he looked up at Snape. "Your move."
A/N: I borrowed/received inspiration from several sources at certain points in this fic. Namely, Harry's speech to Ginny at the end is inspired by Harry's to Sally at the end of the movie "When Harry Met Sally" (and the wrinkle in the forehead is taken directly from that scene). I also borrowed a bit of Han and Greedo's exchange in the Cantina from Star Wars for the chess battle at the end. As for the title of the story, it’s a song by the Cardigans, and for some reason, when I originally wrote this story, it seemed to fit. Oh, and snozzberries are, of course, property of Willy Wonka.