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Author: Fionnabhair Story: A Lost Generation Rating: Young Teens Setting: Pre-OotP Status: Completed Reviews: 6 Words: 101,912
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; nor have I ever earned money from Harry Potter. I do this purely for my own satisfaction. Lily stared at the Christmas tree, hands on her hips. It was the last of the Great Hall trees to be decorated, and something just wasn’t right. That Peeves was attempting to hang Mrs Norris from the fourth highest bough didn’t bother her unduly, nor did the frequent bursts of laughter behind her. She didn’t quite understand why Sirius and Remus had decided to make each other sing Rule Britannia to the tune of “We Don’t Need No Education,” but it was at least keeping people entertained. She tapped her wand in her hand absently, pondering what the flaw could be. She was perfectly well aware that it actually had nothing to do with the Christmas tree, but it was just easier to worry about the tiny details. She was tired. Professor Slughorn had had a party the night before and she had been late getting in. She understood all too well why people disliked him, but all her “set” had been there – Dorcas, Kumar, Roisín, Ann, Arnold and Gaspard Shingleton, and unfortunately also Gretta Catchlove, who never seemed to get any less obnoxious, and they spent at least half the night in a corner of the room, just chatting. Seventh year was proceeding at such a hectic pace that they didn’t often get the chance to do that, and she had enjoyed it, even if she did have bags under her eyes this morning. James joined her, reminding Lily of the other reason she felt more than a little off this morning. Still, it hadn’t really been his fault, so she only said absently, “Why are Hogwarts trees always so skinny at the top?” His hand slipped to the small of her back and Lily tensed slightly. He kept doing that, and she shouldn’t notice it so much, but she couldn’t help it. It wasn’t as if it meant anything – James was physically affectionate with lots of people. At least, she thought he was. Anything would be better than the thought that it might actually mean something. If he actually meant something, well… Lily didn’t know how she’d deal with that. There’d been other boys of course, but they’d always been willing to listen to reason, or what she chose to call reason. James wouldn’t. He would flat out ask her why she didn’t like him, or want to be with him, and keep asking. And she didn’t know. She’d been forced to admit this one day recently, when they’d spent hours arguing over how to organise the prefects, and he’d pushed his face into hers in order to prove a point and… well, she’d had difficulty keeping her mind on the issue at hand. He peered round her shoulder and said, “Why so quiet – something on your mind?” She flushed, given what she’d just been considering, and said, “Nothing really – Christmas is just different at Hogwarts, that’s all.” “This is the first time you’ve spent Christmas here?” She looked at him quizzically. “Yeah – don’t tell me you never noticed.” He brushed her question away with an impatient hand gesture and said, “How come you stayed this year?” Lily shrugged. “I just thought I should stay at least once and Dorcas…” In fact, her relationship with her sister had deteriorated so badly over the summer that Lily had scrambled for a reason to avoid spending Christmas with Petunia and her fiancé – she was guiltily aware that having an orphaned friend was just a convenient excuse, and she found it difficult to lie with James in such close proximity, literally breathing down her neck. “It’s quite different,” she said. “We don’t have enchanted snowballs at home.” “How many times do I have to say it, Lily – that was an accident.” “Oh, don’t be embarrassed, Potter – I might never have known what it’s like to be buried under five feet of snow if it wasn’t for you.” He leaned even closer, and said in a confiding tone, “I was actually trying to get Snape.” She frowned. “I thought you two had stopped all that.” “Don’t look at me like that – he tried to set the Venomous Tentacula on me.” “Okay.” He must have caught the suspicious tone in her voice, for he said, leaning closer still, “In case you haven’t noticed, Lily, I don’t do that any more.” “I know… I always notice.” She couldn’t believe she’d said that, but still found herself laughing out loud at his beaming grin. His face completely lit up when he smiled. She was laughing hard, still conscious of one of his hands pressed against her back, when he grabbed her hand and started to spin her around. “What are you doing?” she asked as her wand went flying into a corner. “Remus, some music if you please.” What Lily happened to know was quite a tricky little charm; Remus conjured a violin tune with his wand. James spun her round smoothly and from the corner of her eye Lily saw Sirius and Peter competing for Dorcas’ hand. Roisín and Kumar, unsurprisingly, had taken to dancing as well. James dipped her and she clutched at his robes, half scared she might fall, half… something else. She giggled from nerves, feeling the strength in his arms as he held her, feeling something twist wonderfully, frighteningly in her stomach. As they stood up, Lily noticed that his glasses had started to slide down his nose, and she pushed them back up with a finger. Surprise flared in his eyes and he pressed her hand against his cheek. His skin felt rough, stubble grazing the inside of her palm. Though they had long since ceased to dance, Lily was still so close to him that she could feel the movement of his breath against the bridge of her nose. She flicked her eyes up his briefly and saw a look that she had perhaps seen before, but it was stronger, more tender than anything she had ever glimpsed. Suddenly nervous, she licked her lips and breathed, “James?” It came as no surprise when he didn’t answer her, but drew her half an inch closer, in a way that would have been terribly invasive had it been anyone but James. She had barely time to gasp before he kissed her – but it didn’t feel wrong. He was wrapped all around her, warm lips and mouth and arms, and yet she found herself pushing further into the embrace that should have felt too tight. When they finally broke apart, James touched his forehead to hers, and Lily, still trembling slightly, leaned into him, feeling ever one of his fingers spread across her back. It did come as a surprise when she pushed him away. Lily could hear whoops of laughter coming from behind her, and when she turned she saw Sirius clapping slowly. He raised an eyebrow satirically and Lily felt herself flush to the roots of her hair. She turned, one hand spread over her chest in an attempt to calm her heart. James was out of breath, but he smiled at her nonetheless. She’d never felt more humiliated in her life. James looked rather rumpled, his hands thrust into his pockets, his hair even more untidy than usual, with a rather provocative smile on his face. Lily felt hot all over, and stared at him, whispering, “What are you doing?” He gaped at her and, to her eternal shame, Lily turned and ran out of the hall. She could hear people jeering him as she went, but nothing stopped her until she tripped and fell into one of Hogwarts’ many trick steps. She swore under her breath and looked around for someone to help her. She hadn’t forgot about one of the trick steps since the end of her second year. Unfortunately for Lily the only person nearby was Severus Snape. He had never liked her, but his enmity had reached a new pitch after Wilkes and Rosier were suspended. She could understand his feelings, but all the empathy in the world was little help to her now. She realised, with a sinking feeling, that her wand was back in the Great Hall. Bracing herself for a curse or jinx of some sort, Lily waited for him to pass her by. She sighed with relief when he only said, with his usual sneer, “Mudblood slut,” and walked on. Clearly he had seen her and James’ performance. * * * Lily hugged herself disconsolately, staring out at the Quidditch pitch from a quiet corner of the common room. Dorcas had forced her to go down for dinner, but it had been truly dreadful. All the Gryffindors watched her and James all through dinner, as did a number of the teachers; Peter Pettigrew had appropriated James’ sense of injury and sent dirty looks down the table, and James apparently retreated into a resentful silence. She’d picked at her food for what felt like hours before giving it up as a bad job. Her stomach was just too full of knots to make space for food. So now she sat, trying to figure out what exactly had happened, how and, most importantly, why. She knew what Dorcas would say, knew that the evidence in James’ favour was overwhelming, but it couldn’t be true. It was against nature, and all the odds, and common sense, for her to have developed feelings for James? And yet, the thought of his angry, wounded face made her squirm in her seat. She sat there for most of the evening, trying to understand what had changed so much, and why. Why did it shrivel her up inside to think of James angry with her? It wasn’t as if it actually mattered to either of them. She’d always assumed, and quite happily, that his flirtation – she supposed she must call it that – was just an old habit, a trick of sorts. But then she remembered his face when she’d pulled away and… it wasn’t so clear-cut anymore. She didn’t want to hurt him; she felt sick at the thought. She must have sat pondering for hours as the fire burnt low and her classmates retreated to their beds. Dorcas, thankfully, sensed her mood, and made sure she was left alone for the evening. Normally when Lily fought with someone, she remembered all their terrible personality traits, all the things they did that drove her crazy, all the reasons why she wasn’t the least bit sorry they’d had a row. Not this time. All she could think about was the look on James’ face when he scored the winning goal in the first match of the season, the anger that had burned in his eyes for her and Peter after their encounter with Wilkes and Rosier, the hug he’d given her when she told him that she’d successfully reached the half-way stage of Felix Felicis, the way he’d comforted her on the train ride… The way his hands gripped the back of her chair, and his voice said in mocking tones, “Lily, Lily, why so blue?” She jumped, and made to stand up, but James’ hands were pressing her shoulders down, and before she could say anything, he was standing in front of her chair, leaning so that his hands rested on the armrests, and unless she actually pushed him, she was pinned. Lily felt a slight shiver run through her, despite the difficulty that was bound to be ahead of her. Her voice was something of a squeak when she said, “I thought you weren’t speaking to me.” “Oh no, no, no Lily – you’re the one who decided not to talk about anything. Remember? Or did you forget about leaving me there in the Great Hall, looking like an idiot?” “I didn’t think there was anything to talk about.” She winced as she heard her voice – it had gone all hard and cool, the way it did when she felt exposed. Clearly James was stung and his hands tightened on the chair. “Nothing? So did I miss something, or do you usually go around kissing people in public?” “You certainly did!” “That was last year.” “Yeah – a whole six months ago. Completely irrelevant then, I assume. How foolish of me to think…” His eyes were very dark in the shadows and Lily closed her mouth with a snap. His exploits in sixth year were something of a touchy subject with him, as she well knew. It took him a moment or two to gather himself, and the silence was so dreadful that Lily was almost glad when he said, in a tone of forced calm, “Are you some kind of… Are you blind, Lily?” And then he kissed her. Again. This time it was different. He almost yanked her to him, so that her body was shoved up against his, and as their mouths touched, Lily felt herself sink into him. It was wonderful. Nevertheless, she was hopping mad, and as soon as she could pull away long enough, Lily pushed him away from her. She stood up, her fists clenched at her sides, and said, “What on earth is the matter with you?” Slowly, he got to his feet, his eyes as furious as her own. “What’s wrong with me? What about you?” “What about me? Is there anything you want to say, James?” “How are you just standing there, after…” Lily stared at him, longing to just run up to her bed and bury her head in her pillow and never see him again. “How can you… Two minutes ago you were so angry I thought, and then… I don’t get it!” His lip curled in a way that made her want to hit him. “It’s really not that complicated, Lily. You see, when a man and a woman…” “Shut up!” Something in her was stricken at his words, and she actually felt tears prick her eyes. Why did he have to be so crude about something that felt… right? “I’m not talking to you.” Lily was almost at the stairs when he caught her wrist and got her to turn. “Lily,” he said, “I’m sorry. I’m just… I felt like an idiot when you ran out before – don’t do it again. Please.” She stared up at him, knowing that he must be able to see the one traitorous tear that had fallen. “I don’t understand.” “What’s so hard to understand? I like you…” “No, you don’t!” She almost laughed then, saved only by catching the look on his face. He looked almost insulted. “How do you know? Maybe if you paid attention, you might have noticed.” “Noticed what exactly?” “Me! Standing around with my gob open all this time, just waiting… for you.” “But… that’s just you. You’ve always been like that.” She felt as though she was clinging to one last thread of sense. “Yeah well, you always had that bit of hair, you see?” And then his hand crept up to her face, to the one long lock she always wore down. “And it never seemed to grow, or change, and I kept looking at it, and that was… from first year practically.” He wouldn’t stop looking at her, boring his eyes into hers, and Lily felt as though she couldn’t stand, as if the ground had been knocked from under her. “Oh.” “Oh?” “I’m surprised.” She patted his arm carefully. “I thought that was just your way and then, last year, with all those girls, well… It’s a bit confusing.” “So. What does any of that matter, now?” He looked so eager, so happy, that Lily wondered what on earth she had said. She retreated a little from that ardent look on his face, she didn’t know how to think about it. “I never thought… I have to think. And go to bed.” She made a snap decision, and swooped down to kiss him on the cheek, so quickly he had no time to respond. “Goodnight, James.” “Night, Lily.” He looked as confused as she felt, and not a little disappointed, and Lily said the only thing she could think of at that moment. “I’ll see you in the morning.” * * * Lily groaned as she awoke. It was too early, far too early for the sun to be shining through the windows, and far, far too early for Dorcas to be sitting on her bed, bouncing with the curiosity. Seeing her friend’s eyes open Dorcas said, “So? What happened?” Lily ignored her, sitting up slowly and lifting one hand to her head. This must be how it felt to take a Bludger to the head. She had lain awake for hours the night before, desperately trying to get her head around what had happened, but she was just as bewildered this morning. Dorcas touched her head gently, saying, “Lily? He looked like he was going to corner you last night…” She nodded miserably. “He did.” “So? What happened?” Lily looked at her friend’s open face and thought that maybe, just maybe, Dorcas would be able to help her understand. She took a deep breath and said, “He was pretty angry.” “Well… Yeah. You knew that was going to happen, right?” Lily chewed on her lower lip. “I suppose, I just didn’t expect he’d be so… forceful.” Dorcas caught her eye, and a moment later they were stifling their laughter in the bed sheets. It was some time before either of them was sober, and even then Dorcas had only to quirk an eyebrow and say “forceful” to send one or both of them off again. Finally Dorcas asked, “But what else did he do?” Lily blushed deeply and Dorcas whooped in delight. “He didn’t!” “He did. Again. It’s very rude.” “Yeah, Lily – that’s what you were thinking about. How rude he is.” “Shut up.” “So? What was it like?” Lily couldn’t look at Dorcas as she said this, preferring to stare at her hands. “It was… I don’t know.” “Oh no you don’t. I have no life of my own – I want all the gory details.” Seeing an opportunity Lily said, “I don’t know about that. Gaspard couldn’t keep his eyes off you the other night…” Dorcas smacked Lily’s arm. “We’ve discussed this. I have never fancied Gaspard, and I will never fancy Gaspard.” Her tone was far less light-hearted when she said, “I save my heart for stupid Gryffindors, remember?” “Dorcas, I’m sorry…” “It’s okay, Lily – it’s not your fault. Now tell me about James.” “Well…” And then she met Dorcas’ eyes full on, determined to be honest. “Just thinking about it… makes my skin tingle.” “Oh Lily!” Dorcas clapped her hands in pleasure, her eyes shining. “What else?” She had to laugh at her enthusiasm, but continued nonetheless. “Well, he said – he said he’d always liked me… since first year.” “Really?” “Cross my heart.” “Wow. James Potter’s a romantic – who knew?” “It surprised me.” Dorcas looked surprised. “It did?” “Well, yeah. I mean, last year…” Dorcas shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think that means anything, Lily. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t kissed a couple of boys in your time, you know.” “Yeah, but I’m not swearing eternal love.” “Is that what he did?” “No. You’re missing the point.” “Lily, you know I love you, so don’t take this the wrong way – what is the point?” “That, that’s not the same. It’s not like I fancy him.” “You don’t?” “No! It’s James, Dorcas.” “Yeah, you mentioned. The guy who makes your skin tingle, I think?” “Yeah.” “And you’re not the least bit attracted to him? Even a bit?” “No. I mean, maybe… I don’t know.” “Oh yeah. Clearly.” Dorcas looked almost angry, and Lily ventured to say, “What’s wrong?” She sighed, refusing to look at Lily. It was nearly a minute before she said, “It’s just… I’ve liked Sirius for, you know, a really long time, and that’s obviously not going anywhere, and now you have James, who you do like, at least I think you do, and I think you should go for it.” She took Lily’s hand. “I suppose, I’m a wee bit jealous. I’m really sorry.” “That’s okay. Sirius is an idiot.” Dorcas smiled and said, “I’d better go. I’ve got to post John’s present to him.” “Will it get there in time?” She shrugged her shoulders. “No idea. I’m not too certain where he is to be honest. Some island in the Caribbean, but I can’t remember which one.” Lily laughed. “Well, at least you know he’ll be staying somewhere nice this summer.” They grinned at each other and Dorcas left the room, picking up a small package as she went. Lily sighed, less confused after their talk, but uncertain as to what she should do next. After staring into space for a few minutes she grabbed her bath things, and made her way to the showers. Whatever she did, she was going to do it clean. * * * Her Daily Prophet arrived when she returned to her dormitory, and Lily read it as she walked down the stairs:
Lily swallowed hard, sitting down on the sofa. She remembered Roberta, or Bobby, King vividly. The older girl had been very kind to her throughout her first year when Lily was still finding her feet. She had always thought of Roberta as just the kind of girl she wanted to be, so efficient, and capable, but kind with it. She wondered if traitors within the ranks had sent Roberta on the mission intentionally, because she was a Muggle-born, or if she had volunteered, or just stumbled into the battle. Her thoughts flew to Gideon Prewett, another person she remembered vividly. Although she hadn’t known either of them well, she had seen the announcement of their engagement in the Prophet six months before, and had sent them a card of congratulations. So there were two families destroyed because of this one clash. She crumpled the paper in her hand and threw it in the fire. She hated this war so much; she hated the loss and the violence, and the terrible news that came each and every day without fail. And most of all, she hated that she couldn’t do a damn thing about it, couldn’t even do what Marlene was doing, which, as Lily knew, was little enough. She stared at the pages burning in the fire for several minutes, wondering what, if anything, she was going to do when she finished school. She momentarily considered applying for the Auror programme, but even with the intensive training that had been introduced, it would still be a year and a half before she was able to do anything. And Lily had never pictured herself as an Auror. An Unspeakable maybe, but now was hardly the time to spend months studying the vast complexities of cause and effect, life, death, the universe and everything. She was feeling altogether rather gloomy, but she had forgotten about her own tangled love life troubles, until James sat down beside her. She stared at him, and he swallowed, pushing his glasses up with his hand. “Lily,” he said, “I’m really sorry about last night. I didn’t realise it might be a shock for you. I should have explained first, instead of…” His voice trailed off, and Lily fought an urge to laugh. “Did Remus come up with that?” He nodded, and Lily really did laugh this time. He took both her hands in his. “But he’s right, Lily – I didn’t think about how it might seem to you, I just assumed… So, if you don’t want to…” James’ eyes actually held a trace of fear that she might reject him and Lily came to a sudden decision. She didn’t know why she hadn’t seen it before; she didn’t know where this burst of inspiration had come from, but she followed it. She’d never been so sure that she was doing the right thing, and so, she leaned forward and kissed him firmly on the lips. He seemed to be in shock for a few moments, but eventually his hands lifted to cup her face, and he kissed her back. Lily lingered for a few moments, before pulling away from him. He beamed at her and Lily felt herself smiling involuntarily. Still, she managed to collect herself enough to say, “I like you James. I just… needed to figure it out.” She was completely unprepared for him to stand up, sweep her into his arms, and swing her round in a circle, but that wasn’t to say that she disliked it. He kissed her again and Lily found herself giggling, clinging to him, dizzy with happiness. Eventually though she had to say, “Put me down, you prat! I want my breakfast.” And so he did, and they made their way down to the Great Hall.
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