One day, Harry and Ginny went from the Burrow to the market. In the village, they saw a little sock stall, and Ginny squealed with unrestrained glee.
Harry said, "Ginny, would you like me to get some socks for Remus with little hearts on them?"
Ginny said, "No, we should get the other ones, the ones with tiny half-moons on! See, they sing and they sparkle. AND they deodorize! So perfect for Professor Dumbledore! So let's buy several." So Harry got some pairs for Dumbledore and Lupin. But he forgot to get some peanut butter and jelly to make sandwiches for their picnic that afternoon with Ron and Hermione.
"Harry," Ginny said, "would you mind taking off your socks so that I can have a look at your toes, because I've never seen your toes, Harry."
Harry nodded and said, "Why not?" Just then, a tiny owl hit the wall with a sickening CRUNCH and fell to the ground. Harry squealed like a little girl because it was Pig. Pig was carrying a backpack with him and a letter in his beak.
Harry bent over to get his socks off. He picked up the letter next, and then he opened it and yelled, "Ron! He's got horrible handwriting! And something's wrong! We'd better go and see what Hermione's done now."
So they left the shop together and headed off on a big Hippogriff. They flew all the way back to the Burrow, where they found Ron bawling in the kitchen. "What's wrong?" asked Ginny, giving a sock to Ron.
"I think I've really screwed up with Hermione again," said Ron, sobbing.
"What have you done?" asked Harry. "All I really said was that Hogwarts, A History was full of pointless, boring, and unnecessary facts. So, she slapped me and stalked off!" Ginny sighed and said, "Ron, you really are a complete and utter prat! You know that book is really helpful! You know that's Hermione's favorite reference source. What on earth possessed you to go outside and throw it in the lake, whistling like a canary on too much Quickfeather's Happy Seed?"
"Well, you see, we baked edible chocolate chip cookies with whizbee sprinkles." "TOO MUCH SUGAR!!!" screamed Ginny, clutching her stomach. She ran her fingers through her hair, at a loss on how to make Ron understand that what he did was wrong. "Harry, you tell Ron the consequences of upsetting your best friend," said Ginny, clutching her wand in her hand.
Harry turned and saw a humongous black dog. The dog jumped and landed on a singing spider. Harry, licking his fingers, said, "What in the world is Sirius doing?"
"Whoa," said Ginny. "Do you know how to tango?"
"Certainly," said Aragog. He jumped on. Gleefully licking his lips, he started to dance with wild abandon.
Harry fired off his wandless magic with disastrous results. Ginny flew into a burning building of her choice, because she had to clear her confusion. She decided not to keep her socks Harry had givenher earlier. Instead, she ate them. They tasted like little green apples.
Ron forgot to wash his hands when he took a big bite out of Hermione's Hogwarts, A History. Gleefully, Ron embellished the savory taste of Hermione's fist. Ron's head hit the dancing spider really hard. Ron had a total hissy fit when he saw what Hermione was wearing. Or not wearing.
"Hermione! Where haveyour normal robes gone?" he said, stripping down to his usual Muggle outfit. "My robes are in the wash," said Hermione.
"Well, get some robes right now," said Ron, drool drizzling down his face. "I don't wanna!!!" screamed Hermione, stomping her foot angrily. "What if someone saw you wearing this much clothing? It's June, for crying out loud!" "At least I'm not doing disco like you are!"
Ron turned crimson, wearing his spandex catsuit with sequins. "I am not disco dancing without a helmet attached. Why would I have a katana with me when sacrificing a goat?"
Meanwhile, Harry left and he decided to go shopping. He grabbed some socks, and Ginny gave him a list of things to burn with Ron's disco suit. "NOT HIS SUIT!!!" yelled the dancing freckle-facedboy. "What would Fred and George say?" "I can't believe I'll have to follow Voldie to the lingerie department. Do I really need to see how many people Voldie wants to snog to death?" "Hey, I like to snog 'Mione." "Too much info!" Harry gagged, and ran away screaming. "Ginny! Find Harry!" said Hermione, as she tried to hold Ron down. He stopped resisting! And they snogged Sirius and Aragog like bunnies on a field of hallucinogenic poppies.
Suddenly, Harry came back. And he looked like Buckbeak had attacked him.
"What happened to your socks, Harry?" asked our favorite heroine. "Well, Ginny, I was trying to understand your obvious need for Butterbeer at any given place or time."
"Why do you suddenly think I'm a Butterbeer addict?" Ginny asked indignantly. "Because you are!" He then chased Ginny around the Burrow, screaming, "Death to the addict!!!" Ginny tripped, falling face first onto a coffee table, flying into Harry, who was waiting with a handful of puke-flavored Butterbeer ice-cubes. Ginny screamed when Harry smashed the ice-cubes into her mouth. She decided to tickle him to get him to stop being such a pest to her. But Harry wasn't ticklish; instead he went to contact Remus Lupin because Sirius was still in hiding. Harry thought he had the situation under control, but the drunken Ginny started to sneak up on him, flailing like a wild swan!
"She's beaking me to death!" screamed Harry loudly. "Beaked?" asked Remus. "Yes, beaked," said Harry.
"I've never heard beaked as a verb before," said Remus, as Harry tried to pull Ginny's hair.
Ginny bit Harry's ear and caused him to fall down, bleeding. "Ouch!" "I'm so sorry for putting my hand on your socks," Ginny said, while Harry put his hand on her shoes instead. At that moment, Voldemort Apparated into some tighty whities and began to dance with Aragog. Meanwhile, Lucius was doing a little snog session with Dumbledore, who was busy typing his monthly income report on an old Wurlitzer organ. Dobby was dusting the organ's pipes with Muggle polishing spray, but the squirrel was leaping from the window ledge and got caught by his tail by Winky, who wanted to make pie for Harry's birthday that day.
Ginny didn't see Harry sneaking behind Hermione so he could tickle her, when Ron said, "Harry! What are you doing?!"
"Hermione, I am trying to remove the pants from you, for some reason."
Ginny then screamed, "Harry, you're cheating with a sock?!" Just then, Moaning Myrtle appeared and wailed, "HARRY! WHAT exactly are you doing? I thought we were eloping in my bathroom today so we can live happily in my toilet with matching deodorizers." "No, silly! We're not eloping. We're eating blueberry pie!" "Really? Blueberry pie is absolutely luscious! Who made it?" Moaning Myrtle did not stop asking Harry when they were going out to get pie. Dead Draco made the best pie. "Mm! Good!" said Dead Draco, the uber-annoying ghost.
"When did Draco stop snogging fish? Shouldn't he be haunting Snape's bedroom?" "Of course not," said Moaning Myrtle. "Snape is not a girl. He's just a git." "But the fish?" "Well, let's just blame the Butterbeer." "WAIT!" shouted Harry. "I have a confession to make. I . . . I am . . . a really big, huge, gargantuan, over-achieving, gigantic, scary, really idiotic, stupid, irresponsible, wonderful, smart, handsome, tall, magical, scar-headed, skinny, lanky, black-haired, knobbly-kneed, green-eyed, messy-haired boy who lived, but I'm a stupid prat for loving you, Ginny." "Thank you, Harry," said Ginny. "I already knew that. I love you, too. Now let's go find a turtle and play ‘Snog the Turtle,' or we could just snog each other. I want to snog you senseless. Again and again." "Wait!" said Hermione. "You can't just snog each other here! What if your mum walks in and sees you?"
"That'll never happen! So we'll snog! Till we drop! I'll steal socks! Till I drop!" "What?!" said Molly. "Who was snogging?" "Your daughter's hot! Can you blame me for fancying her and dreaming of always being her lover?" said Harry. "Well," Molly muttered. "I guess I'll let you snog, but only if it's nothing more. I want nothing more," continued Molly. "If you impregnate her, I will make hell break loose! I will castrate you if you even think about getting her pregnant! Heed my warning!" "Okay, that's cool," said the angry Harry to Molly. "I'll only snog her, I swear! Come here, Ginny!"
"Stop snogging him! Get your tongue out of his mouth!" screamed Molly. "I like snogging like this," said Ginny to her boyfriend, Harry, who was looking for his spellbook with great enthusiasm for the cute redhead sitting next to Voldemort, who was painting his toenails while Imperio-ing Ginny, who was holding Voldemort's hair in a beautiful braid.
"Well, bless my soul . . . he's lost his sanity!" said Ron, whose hair was in need of serious combing. Sirius said, "Well, I can fix . . . let's comb it!" "Yay . . . hair combing!"
"Combing hair makes me happy. Why does your hair curl like that? And it's so red! It's all I want, but it's too much to handle, for it's too curly." "It is not!" "Huh?" said Ron. "Ow!" yelled Ginny. "That's my foot!"
"Sorry!" said Hermione. "I thought that was a mouse!"
"Well, it wasn't."
"Quiet, everyone!" ordered Harry, who was eating a banana. "Do you hear that noise? I think it's an elephant running down the stairs loudly!" "Ooohhh," Sirius groaned. "Allergic to elephants, I am." "You're talking like Yoda!" "Yeah, well, it happens sometimes," said Sirius. "Especially when elephants start running down the stairs. Odd, it is."
"Your allergic reaction triggers Yoda-speech?" asked Hermione. "That's fascinating! I didn't know that. I'm going to read Hogwarts, A History to see why it rains in Spain."
"It says mostly that the climate is spontaneously dangerous," said Sirius. "But that's just something that makes elephants run upstairs, not downstairs. So my cat isn't enjoying the weather here."
"Um . . ." said Hermione. "I think that the elephants and cats should leave, and take their bananas with them."