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Author: Obsessive H/Gers With Too Much Time On Their Hands Story: Three-Word Story Rating: Teens Setting: AU Status: WIP Reviews: 0 Words: 24,296
"Ginny, I love it when you do those things that make you do the things you do." Tenderly, Harry looked into the trashcan and started to sing all about the monkeys and their sassy ways. Suddenly, Harry said, "Let's disco dance!" Umbridge started to rise from the dead and eat a three-course meal with MBtV!Sirius and Tatsu, who were keeping Joe awake. They made him feel really quite pleased about Harry and the fact that his culinary school specialized in disco. "What's making our lives so miserable?" asked Molly and Sting, as they began a duet. "It's because of the position of the stars in Taurus and Cancer, combined with the radioactive properties of 2% milk," said a pink dancing elephant, who was making tea with Billy and Cyndi. "Eat slugs!" shouted Ron, who was remembering second year with a fond smile on his pale, freckled face. Meanwhile, at the Quidditch pitch, Bludgers and other delightful animals started to attack the Quaffle. "Stop!" shouted Hermione, who was becoming rather upset at the lack of continuity. "We need a plot! Or at least a herring sandwich!" "Not to change the subject, but Kingsley is crying in the girls' toilets," butted in Harry. Tonks, no longer turning cartwheels with gay abandon, magically fell through the floor into a toilet alongside Kingsley's. Harry was singing with Billy and Alferd Packer about whom to have embrace the redheaded Draco Malfoy, who was otherwise known as the git with the abnormally large spot on his wool jumper. "You don't say?" Ron, his ears turning pink, said. "Yes, I do!" said John Wayne, scratching his head. "I told you, always flush!" exclaimed Hermione, while she picked her nose, while she read Green Eggs and Ham. Kingsley's coolness did a back flip into a pile of Invisibility Cloaks. The cloaks slithered right up to Ginny and bit the Ghost Busters on their collective hindquarters. Billy began to tango in random moves. Harry shook his fist at the snake that had brought his lunch to Voldemort. Cackling, the snake shook its tongue at Harry in response. Under the pile of Invisibility Cloaks, Kingsley began shivering. Tonks changed her nose into a mango, which went crazy and jumped into the sea and swam with the Marx Brothers. Ginny blinked, shook her head sorrowfully, and wept onto her buttered toast. "Why?" she moaned. "MY pig doesn't have a mango!" "Ginny, please don't cry, dear. Your teacher will be laughing hysterically," said displaced!Sirius very gently. Ginny sniffed, then blew her nose on Hagrid's beard, amidst remnants of green dragon meat. Hagrid then introduced Ginny to a new animal he found called Jason. "He is a rabbit, but he's not an evil one. Now let the Duck God swim around in the bowl of tomato soup-flavored pudding." "Now that's just uncalled for," said Nearly Headless Nick remorsefully. He pulled a rogue Bludger and Rose MacShane from his pants pocket, in an attempt to remedy the tickling on the bottom of his nose. "Ickle Ronniekins" suddenly began to dance around, while Hermione read about Ron's underwear in Hogwarts, A Tabloid Publishing. Meanwhile, everyone contemplated size and volume, while the Cornish pixies slept in taco shells and announced, "We're squashed! Oh, happy day!" Tonks skipped joyfully around the fire, while wearing a skimpy bikini with bright yellow polka dots that changed colors from red to green. "I don't eat so many cucumbers in one sitting. Rather, I purchase a large amount of mushrooms of assorted flavors." Comforting the pixies, the gnomes sang at the top of the building, while Dumbledore did the hula. "Foreign Mary Sues should STAY AWAY FROM!" Meanwhile, Snape whooped with joy, as he sang the "Teletubbies" theme. Everyone screamed at the football match that Dean Thomas was vomiting at. Then Billy and a Shakespearean actor came across a spider monkey that was looking quite green around the waistband. Billy shook his hand and offered banana daiquiris to Tonks, who knew the monkey from her years of Auror training. The Ghost Busters quickly ate some of the banana and gave Dean a breakup inside. They turned over a rock to find a three-ring flea circus. Suddenly, the circus exploded, sending fleas on Firebolts in every direction but diagonal, because of Malfoy's new hairstyle. Billy and Sting started scratching their heads and pondered why Ron was snogging Hermione violently. The Electric Slide, being performed in the Great Hall by Malfoy and Nearly Headless Nick, who was wearing a glorious, red, feathered hat as his head fell off, was Dobby's tea cozy and green socks. Ginny squealed. "How sexy can dancing socks get?" Harry looked up, shocked into menstruation, and replied, "How in the blooming powder did she know that I felt like jumping?" "There's an obvious lack of sense going on in my head," said Snape, who was trying to decipher the freckles on Billy's foot. Apparently, the new defense against the juggling porcupine involved seven spider monkey hairs. Occlumency was enervating McGonagall, who wanted to know exactly how the Basilisk played football if it was dead. "Generally speaking," said Snape, "if you bathe a dead mouse in brine, it turns into a delicious tapioca, complete with telephone cords, plus dictionaries and a tasteful pair of socks, which have weird smoke flowing from their green toes." "Nobody told me to expect this," said Tatsu, staring at the peculiar, but oddly alluring, donut that was growing a beard and biting Voldemort's big, ugly toenail. Sting was even getting ready to ludicrously exclaim, "Why are bowties getting up and dancing, covered in Spanish Tropsy impersonators?!" "Well, I'm scratching my party idea hard today," announced Billy, throwing a party. The party was full of strange-smelling people, who had the sudden urge to go take a shower. This was why everyone abandoned sanity and told Harry to snog Ginny. "Wait! That's not how to snog!" shrieked a random member of the band "The Spider's Ninth Leg." Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were playing Twister on the moon, and Ron looked into Hermione's eyes. "Hermione," he said, "do you want your toast with Dobby's strange socks?" "No, I want to play croquet with my new one-eyed hamster," replied Ginny. Then Tonks ran in and knocked over a full suit-wearing man. "Sorry!" The elephants came marching in, along to the tune of "O When We're Pink!" "GINNY!" hollered Skully fretfully. "Where are the missing banana suits?" Ginny looked startled, the chaos being that she was singing like a Slytherin wearing only Dobby's tea cozy and Ginny's stolen socks. A rendition of "The Nutcracker" was a requirement for being in the Hogwarts annual production of Oklahoma! Ron wanted to play the part of the mysterious barber who chops off Kreacher's nose using a spoon, although it was a waste of time, mostly because of Seamus's insane desire to wear a canary-yellow kilt and corncob necklace with real canaries. "What the?! Who nicked my pink trashcan lid?" asked Voldemort, wearing pink Underoos decorated with the Bubonic Plague. Bill and Fleur snogged madly in Snape's office. This was quite fun, and from there things progressed quickly, until he reached for some soda out of Snape's ice-cold Pensieve. "Stop! In the name of Draco! Before you break my back!" Ginny sang, while Harry applauded. "You cannot even butcher up the song correctly, can you, Gin-gins?" "No, I guess I can't," sighed ghost!Draco, while Moaning Myrtle comforted him, while Ron complained about sentence structure and grammar that the Dementors have a tendency to use while telling Halloween jokes and yodeling oldies-but-goodies in shrill, grating falsettos with a fresh voice. "That's just wrong!" exclaimed Tonks, who was busy cutting her hair, which was now a dark shade of purple. Billy thought the hair would look better on Sting, but Harry's opinion was irrelevant, much like Ron's was to Hermione. After all, she already knew what Ron thought about their relationship. Suddenly, a random Tatsu impersonator began dancing a disco with a duck!Dudley doll during "The Brady Bunch." Suddenly, Luna realized Neville's hand was in hers. Luna couldn't decide what to do about this, so she started to sigh in great contentment. Meanwhile, back at Sting's house, Billy was deciding on whether to wear the stolen socks or the leather pants he nicked to the Halloween Ball. Elsewhere, potatoes were falling from the sky. Ginny devoured them gorgingly, spreading butter on warm insides before smearing her face with war paint and howling a Masai war chant. Afterwards, her enormous sock drawer opened, revealing a huge porcupine with fearsome paraphernalia. "AARGH!!" exclaimed the hapless porcupine in abject horror, as he struggled to free himself. The porcupine sang his favorite Christmas carol, while everyone listened quietly and ate one of Filch's best broomsticks. "My potatoes!" Ginny declared. "They're revolting!" Suddenly, toads fell into Neville's cauldron, which evidently had already begun melting, due to the massive amount of cranberry juice in Hermione's boom box. "This is preposterous!" exclaimed Ginny's potatoes. "You're telling us we've got to wear knickers on our heads and do a jig?" "Only on Thursdays, when the sun is finally down," said Bill Cosby. "Pudding pops, anyone?" "No, thanks. Aliens make me sad." "That's okay," said Ginny, while she turned on MST3K to find Servo making a sarcastic remark about certain redheaded idiots who insist on tormenting bushy-haired prefects with a bread knife and dancing as insanely as possible. "Artichokes are somewhat a little bit strange-tasting today. Maybe we should boil them in beer," said Hagrid, pulling a bottle from a sack that was beside the mysterious-looking group of seagulls. Then Johnny Quest, who was slightly distracted by the singing of a group of pink Dumbledores, began to do the Macarena. "Vive la France!" Ginny's potatoes exclaimed. "What on earth is that odd object sticking out of my new rubber ducky doing?" Out of curiosity, Ginny poked the Otto Bagman in the potato bag. "Ouch!" Otto exclaimed. "I'll tell my ma when I go to the disco for fun!" "What on earth would possess me to post about with clodhoppers on, you silly, burlap-stitched George Foreman?!" said Ginny, with manic glee in her swollen eyes, while she dreamed of Harry. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione, who were searching for the frumious Bandersnatch, decided to pick poppies in dark alleyways, whilst enjoying the frabjous actions of Hagrid, while he sat on Draco. Dumbledore did not endorse pink hair products sold by Malfoys. Then he heard a loud scream from under Hagrid, as Draco expired. "What a shame!" said Ron. "Especially since he owes Ginny some potatoes!" "His burlap pants are causing the massive earthquake in San Francisco, California. Now clear off your desks, and beware of the big, evil Flobberworm that's behind you!" said imposter!Sean. "It's time for a bunch of Audrey II's to organize my socks into something sinister." Mean green muthas were prancing around Hagrid's pumpkin patch, talking about how there were only three days until Hermione's Brazilian laser would annihilate all into oblivion. Apparently, Dobby's favorite socks didn't have deodorizers. This caused everybody to pass out in aromatic ecstasy, whilst all the students sang "Hogwarts, a Monosyllabic Symphony" by Aragog, and the three drank Firewhiskey, while Billy played the drums with his ridiculously stylish new handbag that was covered in purple dragon hide. The confused PSers took some aspirin, as they attempted to make sense of the nonsensical house-elf parade dancing in the moonlight. Sting rounded up the career-built millionaires and brought them center stage. "Ladies and gentleman, I would like to sing a special ballad to tonight! The title of this ballad is 'When Hinkypunks Attack.' Sing with me behind the Curtain of Darkness," proposed Ponyboy Curtis, who was eating potatoes. "Now I would like to ASK..." he added succinctly. Billy punched Ponyboy in his horsefeathers.
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