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Author: Trystym&Delylah Story: Hermione Sue and the Prisoner of A. Cuaron Rating: Teens Setting: Pre-HBP Status: WIP Reviews: 9 Words: 25,724
Chapter 6 A/N: As usual, we have ripped off from other works in the process of poking fun at PoA. In this chapter, we owe apologies to the Price is Right and the New Kids on the Block (but really, we don't feel apologies are in order as they came up with the terrible song in the first place and all we did was change one word), and to C. S. Lewis. Soon enough, Harry and Ron found themselves en route to their first (and next to last) Defense Against the Dark Arts class of the year. As they ascended the staircase, they met Hagrid, who was struggling to carry a huge mirrored wardrobe up the stairs. The boys immediately stepped in to assist him, using their wands to levitate the wardrobe to the next landing. Breathing heavily, Hagrid leaned against it and wiped the sweat off his brow. "Thanks," he huffed. "That thing weighs a ton." "Where are you taking it, Hagrid?" Ron asked. "Perfessor Lupin's classroom. It was in the teacher's lounge, but that's bein' used as a makeup room, so Alfonso ‘ad me move it, seein' as how Perfessor Lupin needs it for class today." "Really?" Harry interjected. "What for?" "S'posed to be a boggart in it, or somethin'," Hagrid explained. "I ‘ad no idea boggarts was so heavy." "Why didn't you just levitate it up the stairs?" Ron asked. "'Cause they're using the blue screen today to film preliminary shots for the Quidditch Match, Ron," Hagrid snapped. "What?" Harry asked, confused. "What does a blue screen have to do with Quidditch?" He turned to Ron, who was shaking his head at Hagrid and making a sweeping motion across his neck with his index finger. A look of understanding dawned in Hagrid's eyes, and he nodded conspiratorially. "Oh, I meant, uh, I'm not supposed to do magic, strictly speaking and all. You know that, Ron," Hagrid reminded him. "Right, right," Ron said, nodding. "We'll help you the rest of the way, then, Hagrid." When Harry drew his wand, Ron stopped him. "No magic in the halls, remember, Harry? We're almost there, anyway. We can push it the rest of the way." So they did just that. Hagrid helped them to arrange the wardrobe at the front of the classroom before he departed, muttering something about agents and unions as he left. Harry shrugged and took his place next to Ron, facing the wardrobe. They watched in the mirror as the rest of the students began filing into the classroom. To their mutual amusement, Malfoy, who was the last to appear, checked his hair in the mirror as Pansy Parkinson looked on, enthralled. Then, to the students' surprise, the wardrobe began rocking unevenly from side to side as loud thumping noises emanated from inside of it. "Intriguing, isn't it?" the Professor Lupin drawled as he walked towards the front of the classroom. "Oh, sure," Malfoy said snidely. "I've always found dusty old wardrobes to be simply fascinating." The Slytherin students around him snickered as the Gryffindors shot him withering glares. Nonplussed, Professor Lupin continued. "Would anyone like to venture a guess as to what is inside?" he asked. As Dean began to reply, Hermione spoke from just behind Ron's shoulder. "That's a boggart, that is," she said quickly. "Dammit, Hermione, that was the ONE line I had!" Dean complained loudly. "Sorry. Script change. Didn't Steve tell you?" Hermione said with a sweet smile. "When did you get here?" Ron asked incredulously. "Don't be silly, Ronald," Hermione said tiredly. "I've been here the whole time." "No, you haven't!" Ron argued. "We were just looking in the mirror and I distinctly saw that you were not there." "Yes, I was," Hermione insisted. "Look, you can't just appear during the middle of class and expect me not to notice. There are rules, Hermione. Even I know that." "It's for dramatic effect, Ronald," Hermione hissed angrily. "Do hush up. You're spoiling the scene!" Ron rolled his eyes and looked towards Professor Lupin. "I would ask if anyone knows what a boggart looks like, but that would be a waste of breath, now, wouldn't it?" the Professor said, looking pointedly at Hermione, who beamed happily. "No one knows," she explained authoritatively. "Boggarts are shape-shifters. They take the form of whatever...." "Yes, yes, whatever frightens a person most, and that's what makes them so terrifying," the Professor finished. Hermione appeared incensed at having been interrupted, but she remained quiet while the Professor continued. "Luckily, a simply charm exists to repel a boggart. Let's practice it now, without wands please. After me...Ridikulus." As one, the class replied, "Ridikulus." "Very good," the Professor said encouragingly. "Once more...Ridikulus." Once again, the students chanted, "Ridikulus." At the back of the room, Malfoy remarked, "This dialogue is ridiculous," earning further smirks and vigorous nods of agreement from his fellow Slytherins. Without missing a beat, the Professor flicked his wand at Malfoy and said "Waddiwasi." Out of nowhere, a large piece of ABC* gum flew towards Malfoy and plastered itself across his mouth, effectively silencing him for the moment. "Hey, that's not in the script!" Hermione protested. "No, it isn't," Professor Lupin agreed. "Neither is this." Hermione's scream of indignation was abruptly cut off by a second wad of gum that affixed itself firmly to her mouth. She clawed desperately at the gum, but to no avail. The gum was stuck fast. Growling in frustration, she snatched a parchment and quill from her bag and scribbled madly for a moment. When she flashed the parchment at the professor, it read: I'm going to tell Alfonso and Steve!!! "You do that, dear," Professor Lupin said calmly. "You don't have any more lines in this scene anyway, and, unlike Hagrid, I am quite capable of instructing my class without your input." With a last murderous glare at Professor Lupin, Hermione grabbed her rucksack and flounced off. "Well then, shall we continue?" The professor asked. Behind him, the wardrobe continued to shake vigorously back and forth, and the door handle had begun rattling fiercely. Mutely, the students nodded in reply. "Very well," Lupin said cheerily. "Now, the trick to handling a boggart is to force it to assume a shape you find truly amusing. I'll need a volunteer. Who is going to be first?" he asked with a smile. When no one stepped forward, he scanned the group of students with a discerning eye, and selected a victim. "Neville Longbottom. Come on down Warily, Neville crept towards the front of the group, eyeing the wardrobe with great trepidation. Around him, his classmates began snickering as they noticed his tattered clothing, which had been shredded during his encounter with the Monster Book of Monsters. "Neville, mate, what are you wearing?" Ron asked, making little attempt to stifle his own laughter. Neville rolled his eyes and answered shortly, "My uniform." "Why didn't you ask the one of the house elves to repair it for you?" Harry asked, trying hard not to chuckle. "They've been too busy laundering a certain someone's supply of pink jackets and hip-hugger pants. It was either wear this or go starkers," Neville complained. "I'm only a secondary character at best; we're not allowed more than one costume." "And we thank you for not attending class in your altogether, Mr. Longbottom," Professor Lupin said, covering his own smirk with his hand. "Now, if you will, tell us what frightens you most of all?" Neville mumbled something unintelligible. "Sorry?" the professor said. In a louder voice, Neville answered, "Professor Snape." Around him, the students giggled once again, with the Professor joining in. "Yes, he frightens us all," he answered. I heard that. Startled, Harry glanced around the classroom. He would have sworn he heard Professor Snape's voice, but none of his classmates seemed to notice the faint, but menacing growl. He shrugged and returned his attention to Professor Lupin, who had finished asking about Neville's grandmother's clothing and was now whispering in his ear. Neville nodded and then readied his wand. "Ready?" the professor asked. "One, two, three." The professor waved his own wand at the wardrobe, and the lock snapped open. Slowly the door swung open, and Professor Snape stepped out, glaring murderously at Neville and Professor Lupin. He was garbed in a long, lace-trimmed dress and a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and hanging from the crook of his arm was a huge, crimson handbag. Professor Lupin broke into a delighted grin. "Very good, Neville! I had no idea you were so talented at visualization. Ten points to Gryffindor! Ron, you're up next." Harry watched expectantly as Ron took his place at the front and Neville moved to the back of the group of students. Strangely, nothing happened. Professor Snape continued moving menacingly towards Ron, until Professor Lupin jumped in front of him and shouted, "Ridikulus!" When Professor Snape reached out and grabbed Lupin by the throat, the students gasped in shock, but Lupin just smirked. "Well, well, Severus. Out of the closet at last?" he asked. Then he caught sight of a few stray snowflakes on the other professor's shoulders, and his grin widened. "Ah, I see. Tea and Turkish Delight with Jadis, was it? And how is the dear?" Snape's eyes narrowed. "The next time you ask that oaf, Hagrid, for a favor, Remus," he hissed, "I'll thank you to be more specific in your instructions. The boggart was in the other wardrobe." Angrily, Professor Snape shoved Professor Lupin backwards into the group of flabbergasted students. Assuming his most imperious pose, he straightened the vulture hat and brushed the dust off of his dress before stalking out of the classroom. As he passed the group of Slytherin students at the back of the room, they turned their heads in shame. The Gryffindors, meanwhile, appeared torn between horror and hysteria. As the door shut behind the departing professor, Lupin shuddered. "I'll have nightmares for a month," he said. Let's get back to it, then. Ron, you're up!" Ron turned to back to the wardrobe, which had mysteriously closed its doors. He drew his wand and mumbled, "Ready." Harry reached forward and tapped Ron on the shoulder, "Umm, mate, wasn't the boggart in the other wardrobe? And how did the doors get closed?" Ron shook his head and smiled wryly at Harry, "With the outrages that have already been committed, nobody's going to remember a couple of continuity slips." Harry and Ron moved to fall into line as Professor Lupin walked over to the phonograph and gently set the stylus down upon a disk. A second later, something that could only loosely be called music burst forth from the speaker with a heavy, thumping beat. A sudden commotion at the back of the room caught Harry's eye in the mirror, and he turned to see Malfoy, Goyle, and the New Kid gyrating in unison to the music and chanting. OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH The right stuff.... You got the right stuff, Hermy. Love the way you turn me on. You got the right stuff You're the reason why I sing this song. Harry and Ron stared at the group in horrified amusement, then turned to the Professor for an explanation of what was magic of the darkest kind. The professor himself appeared confounded. He abruptly snatched the stylus away from the disk, making a loud wowwing sound that caused the students to wince. Malfoy, Goyle, and the New Kid stopped dancing as abruptly as they had started. Malfoy looked around at several of the girls, who squealed in groupie-like glee as he smoothed his trendy new hairstyle with his hand and gave them a sneer. Professor Lupin ignored the wannabe boy-band members and inspected the phonograph disk carefully before noticing a paper origami crane perched atop the cover of the player. Unfolding it carefully, he read aloud. Dear Professor, I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of replacing your musical selection for today's lesson. I've always found the New Wizards On the Block to be so inspiring! Love from, Hermione Granger With a deep, almost canine growl, Professor Lupin waved his wand at the nearest window, which flew open with a bang. Without hesitating, he tossed the disk out of the window, watching it sail away with a satisfied smile. Several of the students, including Harry and Ron, stepped up to watch it drop gracefully into the Whomping Willow. The cantankerous tree casually swept one of its knobby limbs at the disk and shattered it into millions of pieces, which rained down onto Hagrid, who was toting the tree across the grounds. "Sorry about that," Professor Lupin called down to his startled colleague. Hagrid waved him off, breathing heavily as he set the now frantically thrashing tree into the gaping hole he had prepared for it. The professor shut the window with a snap and instructed his students to reform their line as he once again started the phonograph. This time, peppy swing music spilled forth, and the professor grinned as he motioned Ron to step forward to battle the boggart. "Take its legs off, take its legs off," he muttered to himself as the boggart (which seemed to have apparated outside the wardrobe on its own, seeing as how no one ever bothered to open the wardrobe door after Professor Snape made his grand exit) twisted and rolled before him until it formed an enormous spider. "Ridikulus!" Ron shouted, pointing his wand at the spider. Suddenly, the spider was wearing roller skates, and Ron was wearing a perplexed look. "That wasn't supposed to happen," he said, scratching his head. At that moment, another origami crane fluttered gracefully out of the sky. Ron groaned loudly, snatched it out of the air and handed it to Harry to read to the class. Legless spiders just aren't that funny, Ronald, and Mr. Cuaron agreed that my suggestion about roller skates would be much more amusing for the audience. Love from, Hermione P.S. Mr. Cuaron also concurs that mummies evoke comparisons to B-horror movies, and would impugn his reputation as an artist. Therefore, Parvati's mummy has been replaced by something with cultural significance. Harry and Ron turned to Parvati, who had stepped forward at Professor Lupin's urging to face the boggart. She was staring at an enormous, hissing cobra in confusion. "I was going to unwrap its bandages," she explained sheepishly. "But I don't know what to do with this." "Just do your best, Parvati, it will be fine," the professor encouraged. Nodding, Parvati waved her wand at the snake and shouted, "Ridikulus!" The shapeshifter rolled and twisted once more and morphed into a gigantic, bobbing Jack-in-the-Box with a hideous, demonic grin. Ron and Harry both paled, and Parvati appeared as if she might swoon. Several of the girls in the class screamed, as well as a few of the boys. "Not much of an improvement, that," Ron said weakly. "Suddenly, giant spiders don't seem half as frightening. Giant Jack-In-the-Boxes, now, those scare the crap out of me." Harry nodded and squared his shoulders, ready to take on the boggart himself. He walked up to the ugly clown and stared it down, his pasted-on smile gradually fading as the clown bobbed back and forth. Suddenly, it began twisting as it had before, until it became a balloon enshrouded by tattered black sheet. It proceeded to pull out a vacuum hose from beneath its rags and aimed it at Harry. Shocked, Ron hurried over to the Professor and whispered harshly into his ear. Professor Lupin, who was busily combing his moustache in the mirror of the wardrobe, glanced around to see Harry being threatened by a Hoover. With a cry of dismay, he jumped in front of Harry, arms spread wide. Harry looked on curiously as the boggart transformed into what was obviously a full moon, complete with spooky clouds drifting across it. From somewhere in the room, he heard a faint awoooo noise. He thought it was coming from Professor Lupin, but before he could ask, the professor banished the boggart with a wave of his wand and a shouted, Ridikulus!" The boggart became a white balloon, which flew around the room as it deflated with a sputtering noise. "Class dismissed!" Professor Lupin called. Harry stood stock still, wondering why Professor Lupin was afraid of the full moon, until Ron dragged him out of the room.
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