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Author: Obsessive H/Gers With Too Much Time On Their Hands Story: Three-Word Story Rating: Teens Setting: AU Status: WIP Reviews: 0 Words: 24,296
"Oh, happy day!" shouted Umbridge loopily. But then suddenly, Remus resurrected Sirius, except he didn't. "The Mall Behind the Veil rocked!" said Umbridge, whilst chewing a fly. "Moony, I'm alive!!" Sirius shouted gleefully. "See what I mean?" grumbled Moody. "His pants are striped, but they have no leather at all!!" "What's the use in eating grapefruits, when they increase every time you kill old Voldemort?" asked Remus, shuddering. Billy agreed, clapping along to "More Than Grapefruit" by The Fruit Bowl. "The Fruit Bowl?" inquired Mr. Malfoy, as he stared at Voldemort dancing the lambada with Aragog, his secret dance partner from a distant land. "Because Jack Sparrow is very hott, with two t's," said Filch, snorting. "Savvy?" "Oh, I thought that, too," said Ogg, shaking his head and wondering what was going on. "You just got four demerits, mister!" "Demerits?! What's a demerit?" he shouted. "It's a punishment!" said Filch gleefully. "And now you're going to get six hundred eighty-seven lashes, because that's sadistic and wrong." "I have History," said Binns, lighting up another streetlight and admiring the way the light glowed as it reflected his ghostly figure. Ron ate food in order to distract himself from his feelings towards discoing, snogging 'Mione, and silly nicknames that one frequently comes up with after a night of sparring and wandering around the Owlery with Billy. Harry admired the view of Ginny in her brand-new socks. "What nice socks you have, my dear Gin-gins." "Why, thanks, Mr. Chudley," said Hagrid, as Cyndi Lauper used her jumping pogo stick to hit Draco on the head. "Blimey!" exclaimed a random Death Eater. "Mice!" shouted Billy, shaking in fear. "I'm allergic to hair and afraid that there might be Hermione discoing over there!" "Where's Luna?" Neville pondered, as he began to break-dance to "Electric Boogaloo," while a green Gobstone whacked Umbridge, sending her flying to her death. "Let's put Umbridge into a box of chocolate frogs and throw it in Fluffy's toilet," said Dumbledore enthusiastically. "Smashing!" said Billy, as he smashed the door open, knocking Filch, who was pressed against his brooms, into the Room of Sims. Duct tape wrapped itself around Umbridge's abnormally large pink cardigan, incidentally causing her to turn into a gigantic toad, but this didn't bother the continuity police. However, just then an eerie voice sounded across the open space and said, "Harry . . . I have come for your trousers! Stand still while I eat my banana." "Mmmmm, bananas are a girl's best friend. If only they still danced," moaned Luna airily. "Don't worry, Luna," said Tropsy, cackling. "They do." "AAARRRGGGHHH!" shouted Harry. "My scar is warning me against an attack of tap-dancing paperclips. My trousers are being sought out by the Queens of H/G, because they want to find out what I have done with the tartan boxers of me," said Harry. "Well, whose fault is it, then?" asked the strange, disembodied voice. "I have come to take away your stolen socks, Ginny." Ginny ran and hid her socks. Harry drew his shiny sword that he loved and charged at the disembodied voice, even though he couldn't see where it was. "Don't point that sword at me! I think Freud was crazy!" cried imposter!Sean Connery. The lawyers of J.K. Rowling threatened the dancing pink elephants to boogie on down. But the elephants were tired of dancing, so instead Caitlyn flogged them. Estella laid eyes for the first time on her first and only elephant crush, Raynaldo. "Did Sirius marry Voldie after all?" asked the misinformed random person who doesn't ship S/V. After the horrible incident with the terrible thought of that disturbing union of Sirius and Voldemort, Sirius hid in a dinner table of oak and began muttering about break-dancing gnomes and ice-skating pixies. Imposter!Sean sat down and said happily, "I remember the time when we misplaced our brains and went to a Bed and Breakfast on the beach. Anyone for golf?" "Sure," said Voldemort, wielding a golf club out of sheer spite and his incredible evilness. "Fore!" shouted the angry driver, who wore plaid pants and lost her polka-dotted shirt in the rough. "Who's going to help me find my six-iron?" pleaded Raynaldo, fending off the fans, who decided to put him into a different world where skeletons never dance and monkeys talk with vampires. Billy sang a chord, while combing his beachfront property for any sign of Hurricane Isabel's eye. He looked, but found Hurricane Umbridge violently attacking the wannabe Isabel. Then Sting proceeded to take inventory of the damage that was inflicted by the hurricanes. So he casually raised his wand and mumbled a quick spell to scrub his pants clean of the mildew that resided on the school of fish that swims with Estella. How it got to be so crazy, nobody knew. He then started to sprint toward the Merpeople, whose hair was very purple from all the festivities due to Hermione's birthday suit. "Hey! Wait," Ron stammered, blushing. "You never said Hermione was wearing her own socks that Ginny stole." Ginny sneaked away mischievously, but then tripped over a giant novelty bear, which hadn't been seen in millennia. Harry rushed over. "I don't know what to tell the others when they find my blue suede shoes!" said Ron. He was beginning to hyperventilate from all of the odd stares he was receiving from the others, although he thought that Hermione had redressed by now. "Hey! Don't you come back and see us, you Weird Sisters." Ron jumped up and cackled gleefully. "I will flambé the first person who says that John Wayne couldn't sing showtunes while shooting various stupid Ministry officials in the dark, while wearing a bright pink bra and maroon cowboy footsie pajamas? Eh?" said drunk!Winky. She spilled some Butterbeer on Dobby's knitted hats, while Harry and Ginny were in the broom closet dancing to the music, only they couldn't move around much. So they fell on top of a plate of Skrewtburgers. Hagrid opened his overcoat to reveal a purple people-eater eating purple people. Ginny, skipping joyfully, crashed through the wall into a rotten pumpkin pie that really stunk as though it had been made by Snape. Eyeing them strangely, the purple people decided to sing "The One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying National Anthem." It was conducted by a weird-looking Hippogriff named Hutyrow. Harry cornered Ginny and began to tickle her, while she sang with off-key abandon. "Stop eating my biscuits!" she sang. "My eyes are as brown as a rainbow." "But rainbows aren't brown, silly!" said Luna. "They have wings, like you-know-whats." "Obviously," stated Mr. Malfoy, who was currently doing something you wouldn't see everyday. "Blimey!" exclaimed Tonks, while washing her hands. She opened the Quik-Mart and shrieked joyfully, because awaiting her inside was a useful ball of dental floss. "Oh, my God! How did that get there?" "If I want to disco like a demented duck named Rodolphus, what exactly must I do?" exclaimed Voldemort, who was busy plotting Filch's dinner-dance party. "Well, I reckon that 'tea' is the name of the game," said Joe's floormate, Tatsu. "That made absolutely no sense!" cried a singer from Phoenix Song, the incredible and fantastic Gunshu Gregarious Gafungo. Who's that? contemplated Sirius, wondering if any sense could be salvaged from three dancing penguins. "Well, in my opinion, Ron seemed rather embarrassed when he gave that insufficient reply to George Foreman," said our favorite werewolf. "Wow! I would give my right mind to talk like that to you," said Tonks. Hermione, uncharacteristically stuttering to Draco Malfoy as he started brushing his teeth, asked the question, "Why is your goblet on the floor?" But Malfoy wanted to snog Estella, of course. So he spit toothpaste into the goblet, while turning upside-down in the abdomen of a random Phoenix Song member named Tropsy. "Why is Tropsy shooting Faelaern?" asked Harry, characteristically confused. "He's not. He's beating him up," said Filch gleefully. While Dumbledore snogged the rhubarb-patch guardian, a witch with long, flowing robes pranced around the top of spaghetti, all covered with tomato sauce a random person had placed there. Harry stared at the fight between Ron and Hermione over who ate the roast dolphin on toast. "Stop!" shouted Billy, shaking his fist at the sheer absurdity of it all. "You can't just—" "Burp!" interrupted Hermione, considering whether Ron was a thespian, when suddenly Remus whistled Star Wars and clicked his ears, whilst wrestling with his conscience about the roller coaster ride at the Amusement Park Behind the Veil. Sirius had dared him to ride it with imposter!Sean Penn. They decided to crash into the two imposter!Seans, but first to smack into Dumbledore. Imposter!Sean #1 said, "That was utterly meaningless, yet quite cute!" Hermione slapped Ron and said, "That's for not porcupine, Sean Connery!" "Is that code?" "Of course not!" said imposter!Sean #1, as everyone began to wonder why his large ears were twitching like an uncomfortable porcupine. Ron demanded to hear Sting's new single, "Sweet Sassy Remus/Sirius Shippers." "Savvy?" said Harry, while he tiptoed to Billy's house. Under the boardwalk, Ron and Hermione were dancing in red and gold Jell-O that Dobby had sculpted to kill time. "Well, this is random," said someone who went under the beach boardwalk, where Draco and Myrtle had now discovered a way to build sandcastles with light bulbs and glue. "Well," Hermione said, her eyes bulging, "I have never seen such a horrific sight in Hogwarts, A History all my life!" "Well, then," said no one in particular. "Let's eat some Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans! Only don't eat Hermione's pink and purple ones! They taste like Potions class with Professor Snape." "Ew. That's gross. I prefer that to disco, though," said Harry, as the disco ball blinded the new DJ with the amazing colors and exciting, limited-time offers it was presenting. "Lights calm me, for I am Ginny, the powerful and almighty being who possesses good snog-Harry time." Meanwhile, the ants were slowly marching in rows. A monkey mooed contentedly, chewing pink bubble gum. Ginny took out three ants with feather-like antennae, which proceeded to disco like Hagrid. "Oddness!" gasped Ron, looking for the camera, so he could properly immortalize the weird scene that was currently unfolding before him. "That makes no sense whatsoever," said Luna, who ironically was repeating what Sting was mouthing. "Can we start a pickup Quidditch match?" begged Oliver. "I can't wait!" said Ginny, grabbing a spider monkey and transforming it into the Quaffle. "Where's my broom?" asked Mundungus, as he ate chicken. "It's where you left it, you git," snapped Dumbledore. Mad-Eye pointed to the large, hairy dog, which opened its drooling mouth and greedily lapped up the remaining dust bunnies. Meanwhile, Ginny and Harry snuck away fast in the moonlight.
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