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Author: Lady Chi Story: With All My Love Rating: Teens Setting: Pre-HBP Status: Completed Reviews: 6 Words: 60,540
Remus was alone in the common room. Not an unusual event, as it was one of his favorite places to be in the middle of the night when his sleep was disturbed by terrifying dreams dominated by the wolf. Only tonight, it wasn't dreams that drove him to this sanctuary… it was the reality of Lily Evans. If they could complete the map, it would be one of their greatest assets. They would know where everyone was all of the time, which would make getting out to the Whomping Willow on nights when the moon was full that much easier. Also, it would help with the other things the Marauders did… namely, cause trouble. They'd already finished most of the work on the map; they were just snagged on the spell that would hide the evidence of their work from the casual viewer's eye. At the moment, the map was sitting upstairs in Sirius's trunk because it was too dangerous to leave lying about. That was another problem he would have to deal with, sooner or later. Sirius. Remus could recall with great clarity the day when he had found out that his greatest secret had been exposed. He'd been frightened and confused and hurt by his imagined loss of his greatest friends. Of course, they'd reassured him that they would never betray him and that his disease didn't bother them one bit. They'd set off, determined to find out everything they could about werewolves, and it hadn't taken them long to discover that, as Animagi, they could safely be with Remus when he made his monthly transformation. Apparently, there had never been any question among the other three Marauders of whether or not they should attempt the Animagus transformation. Even after they'd found out all the horrible things that could go wrong, they'd still held strong to their promise to Remus. They would find some way to make his transformations easier. For a while, it had worked. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs had experienced many adventures together. Though it was impossible for Remus to understand why the wolf was much calmer around his "animal" friends, and they had a good time running about the forest. Until last year. They'd all known that Sirius was, at best, unstable. His relationship with his parents had finally reached an all-time low when, in a fit of defiance on Christmas Eve, Sirius had left his parents' home for good. He'd grown more and more outrageous, and the feats and pranks he suggested had also grown more and more dangerous. James and Remus had sat down and tried to talk with him, but Sirius didn't want to talk about what had finally driven him away from home. He didn't want to talk about his crumbling relationship with his long-time girlfriend, Patricia, and he didn't want to talk about anything directly related to himself. Sirius just wanted to have fun. Or die trying. He'd come remarkably close a few times, with James, Remus and Peter keeping a close eye on him to make sure he didn't actually succeed. James and Sirius had always had a hateful relationship with one Slytherin in particular, Severus Snape. Remus and Peter had no great love for the boy, either, but they went out of their way less often to make Severus's life difficult. On the last full moon of the school year, Sirius had launched the ultimate prank. He'd lured Snape out to the Whomping Willow without telling any of the other Marauders. The only reason Snape's life had been spared was James Potter, who hadn't had any second thoughts about saving his archenemy. The point was, in Remus's mind, that Sirius had betrayed him. Not just him personally, but all of the Marauders. Just how did one go about repairing that sort of breach? This wasn't the sort of thing he could just sweep under the rug. "Remus?" A soft voice from behind him broke his internal reverie. Turning, he saw it was Lily. "Hello," he responded softly, staring into the fire determinedly. Lily Evans was James's girl, and always had been. It didn't matter that she looked softer somehow in her long nightdress and dressing gown with her hair in braids. "What are you doing up so late?" It grew even harder to ignore her when she sat down next to him on the sofa, her book tucked securely beneath her arm. "I'm thinking," he said, hoping the vague statement would put her off. "What's the problem, Remus? I'd be happy to help you." Earnestly, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and leaned towards him. "Lily, I… I really don't want to talk about it, all right?" Lily accepted that with a nod and opened up her book, clearly prepared for a few quiet minutes of reading, presumably until she felt tired enough to go to sleep. "Have you ever… Have you ever had a really, really bad dream, and you try to wake up, but you can't, and no matter what you do, you can't make it stop?" Lily looked up, startled by his rush of words. "Yes. Sometimes real life can feel like that too. I know… I know I felt that way when Mum died." He knew it shouldn't have surprised him that she would catch the analogy. "It's about Sirius." Leaning back, Lily closed her book and stared at the fire while she decided the best way to say what she had to say. "He's been more… unpredictable… than usual lately, I've noticed." Remus nodded, staring into the fire as if transfixed. In reality, he had no idea how to approach the subject with Lily. Certainly he couldn't turn to any of his other friends for help in this situation. He didn't want to cause a rift between the four of them that could possibly ruin their friendship forever. "He's having problems at home," he finally decided to say. Lily raised her eyebrows at the evasiveness of that statement, but decided to let him take charge of the conversation. Years of experience had taught her that one didn't get very far by being direct with Remus J. Lupin. Again, she turned her attention to the book in front of her. If she hadn't been listening intently to every sound made in the common room, she might not have caught what he said next. "It's still not an excuse, though," he whispered, as if to himself. "Sirius has never needed an excuse before to misbehave, Remus, as you very well know," Lily said nonchalantly. "This goes a bit farther than misbehaving," Remus said before he could stop himself. "Oh?" Lily dropped the book altogether and gave her full attention to her friend. "Do you want to talk about it?" "Not really," Remus admitted, "but I… I really want to talk to someone, and I can't talk to James or Peter without forcing them to take sides." Lily nodded. She hadn't expected getting Remus to talk to her would be easy. "You know you can talk to me, if you want to." This was the girl that meant so much to him – the one girl who hadn't frightened him off with overwhelming feminine whiles and high-pitched giggling whenever she talked. This was the girl who spent long hours discussing homework with him when James and Sirius didn't have the patience to do so. Lily Evans was nothing if not compassionate, kind and reasonable. Perhaps, if he could word his problem so that she wouldn't know about his disease, then he could obtain her advice without losing her friendship. They sat there for a while soundlessly, each lost in their own thoughts, not willing to break the silence with words that might confuse or hurt. "Sirius betrayed me." As soon as the words were out, Remus could have easily shot himself in the foot. His tone was strangled, raw, and not easy to listen to. He hadn't even discussed this with his mother. "He betrayed me," he repeated forcefully. "He had no right to do what he did." A voice in the back of his head was screaming at him to slow down, to take precautions, to not scare her off with too much detail, but he couldn't listen to that voice. What he had to say had to come out, or he would slowly lose his mind. Somehow, Lily had maneuvered so that she was sitting much closer to him, and she had both of his overly large hands in her small ones. "Sirius told Severus about the Whomping Willow… he told him we were going to meet there on a full moon. Severus thought this was the ultimate chance to get back James, you know? Sirius just wanted to have a little fun, to scare Severus away, to make him shut up once and for all…" A dam inside of Remus had broken, and there was no stopping it. He could see Lily's eyes widen in shock as she realized what the problem with the full moon was, but she didn't stop holding his hands. In fact, she gripped them tighter. "Oh, I could just murder him in his sleep," she whispered. "How dare he?" "It was all Peter and Sirius could do to hold me back. You don't know what it's like when the wolf smells human meat. I get… the wolf gets so excited. There's literally nothing that can prevent him from trying to rip, tear, shred…" His voice broke, but he swallowed hard and pressed on. "James was going to be late. He told us all that. He had some studying or some prank to set up – I don't know. Severus had better thank his lucky stars that James had a previous engagement, though. "He saved Severus. Knocked him out of the way of the wolf until Sirius and Peter could restrain… me, and then carried Severus away to the Hospital Wing. He hadn't got bitten. That was the good thing." "If the wolf likes human meat, then how come Sirius and Peter could stop… the wolf?" Her voice was soft and strained, and he could tell she was having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that he was a werewolf. Remus sighed. It was a night for getting rid of secrets, it seemed. He only prayed that he could still face his friends in the morning. There was no going back now. "Think, Lily," he said wearily. "They had to be…" "…Something other than human! They had to be… they had to be animals. They have to be Animagi!" Remus nodded his head, then found that motion roughened up an already weakened brain. His very skull was pounding. "Remus, are you okay?" The concern in Lily's voice was evident. She wasn't totally repulsed by him, even after her discovery of what he was truly like. "I'm just tired." "Do you want to stop talking? We can go on tomorrow, if you'd like." There was no pity in Lily's eyes, only the realization that long conversations in the middle of the night probably made him more tired than normal. "No, I'm fine." "How did you find out that Sirius was behind all of this?" "I never figured Peter could do anything like that. He doesn't have enough spine. Sirius was the only one who could have possibly done something like that. James was mad -- more mad than I think I'd ever seen anyone. More mad than I certainly had the energy for at the time. He told Sirius off, let him know what he thought of it. Then of course, Professor Dumbledore had to find out." "Oh Merlin! They could have… they could have kicked you out!" It was nice to have someone listen to the story who thought exactly the same way that he did. "I've never been so terrified in all of my life… Except for my first day here, of course." "Why would you have been terrified your first day? You, James, Sirius and Peter all were friends pretty much immediately, as I recall." Remus looked up at her, eyebrows raised. "We were. I was scared to death that once they found out about… well, you know what, they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. Eventually I just decided to live every day like it was the last day I could get to be friends with them." Lily smiled. "Live every day like it was the last. My mother used to say things like that to me. Especially when I was fighting with friends. Betrayal hurts, and what Sirius did to you is almost unforgivable, but… What if I told you the Death Eaters were going to come after Sirius next? What would you say?" "I'd be the first to stand in line to defend him," Remus answered promptly. "If you're willing to die for him, don't you think you should be willing to live with him too?" Shrugging, Remus avoided her gaze. "I don't want to think about it." "You have to. There's a war going on. I've lost my parents… and not even to the war, but what does that matter? The point is, you can't go on fighting with each other. Can't you both see what it's doing to James? To Peter? "James feels like he has to play an almost parental role and make sure the rest of the world doesn't realize that the unbreakable four are cracking. Peter jumps at the smallest sound that either one of you makes. It's a little intimidating to the rest of us watching from the outside. I mean, if you all can lose what you have – what is safe in the world?" At the last, Lily laughed and turned her face quickly so that Remus wouldn't see the tears. "Lily… What's wrong?" He felt awful. He must have done something, or said something, to make her hurt. "You don't realize what you have. Maybe you do, more so than the others, but none of you really do. You have people in the world who care about you, who want to know exactly what you're doing and where you're going. Friends, Remus, who are going to be there for you, no matter what happens. I don't think even death could keep you four away from each other." Remus blushed at this truth, frightened by the directness of her gaze and the power behind her emotions. He was suddenly struck by how terribly lonely Lily must feel. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "For what?" Lily asked, wiping away the tears. "You haven't done anything wrong." "I'm sorry you're lonely. I should have been a better friend." Lily shook her head. "You've been a great friend. The very best." With that, she picked up her feet and ran out of the common room, trying desperately to hide the sobs coming from deep within her chest, and failing miserably. ** Nothing like a happy ending to cheer everyone up, eh? The drama, the drama. HUGE hugs and thanks go to Lizzie, who fixed my chapter! YAY! If you're reading this story and you're really enjoying it, you should send her some really good wine, because she is a goddess. Anne and Daily Prophet Reporting both looked this over. I have many kind words and thanks to send their way. It takes an incredible amount of patience to work with me, and they both work miracles.
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